Thursday, 26 April 2007

Hey Bitches I'm Back.

Smiles are for the weak, have my scowl of contempt.


What the fuck has been fucking going on the fuck here? Rich get back into the wankers gallery, you lurkers get back into the shadows of my shite meter. What was I thinking?

I was a bit strapped for cash this week so in order for me to still afford me smokes I quit drinking, chasing the dragon, huffing petrol and solvents and eating food, well that last one is a lie as I found an old tin of Heinz baked beans (weapon of choice for Hugh grant) in the cupboard, back when they only had 7 varieties . I think that was from my end of the world supply when everyone thought the world would be plunged into chaos when it became the year 1900, "the pocket watches will not know the time we're doomed."

I still had me smokes and my prescription medication but my mates noticed a change in me, when I refused to beat up that black ghey catholic lad from Latvia they took it upon themselves to give me an intervention.
True friends, all the pints,Whiskeys,Southern Comforts, pork scratchings,pickled eggs and scampi fries a man could ask for, Jimmy the Stain had his usual tube of Evostick to sniff and in no time I was chatting up the weemen, getting slapped by said weemen and having Billy One Ear chase doon students to take their money off them .
Then I got to my Blog and saw this hippy shit I was not pleased, just so it doesn't happen again I'm setting up a pay pal account for you cunts to send me money, its called "The Give Old Knudsen Relief Fund ."
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Just to remind you lesser beings out there why I'm bitter here are those on my shit list, if you aren't on it then I probably just missed you.
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Germans: The World Wars, being uptight bastards, talking silly and searching for rimjobs on-line ALL the time and The Scorpions.
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French: The 100 Years war, being ungrateful cheese eating surrender monkeys and still thinking you're so superior, c'mon the Krauts took you in 45 days and that's with Holland and Belgium included, the most bravest thing the French have ever done was sink the Green Peace ship The Rainbow Warrior, ya smell like garlic ya sheep burners.
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Spanish : The Armada, pulling out of Iraq when Al Qaeda blew yous up and the bullfighting.
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Italians : Bombing Abyssinia when I was there on me Hols, being chicken shit fascists, fooling the world with yer Latin lover shite as you will hump anything that moves, hardly quality.
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Slavs: Being dirty and talking funny.
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Iranians: for having some of the most beautiful weemen in the world but being too insecure to appreciate them, and for taking our people this year and other years.
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Iraqis: Fuck yous, you stupid cunts time to claim a victory and pull out and let them fight it out amongst themselves, they're all fucked, Sonny and Shia I got Jew babe isn't enough to stick around for.
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Arabs in general: can't shoot for shit so they blow themselves up, they shag camels and are only interested in stuff that happened 2000 years ago, they need Desperate hoosewives, that will give them something else to think about.
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Africans: What have you done for me lately? the stone age with AK47s , if we ignore them they will go away, yep no more food.
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Terrorists: Only an out of touch romantic idiot would ever call a terrorist a freedom fighter, they are murdering cowards that kill weemen and children because it suits them.
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Rapists,Kiddie diddlers, murderers and convicts in general: kill them all so they never have the chance to do it again, if you are anti death penalty then you are pro child molester, have that on yer conscience.
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Russians: They have no feelings and just want to take over the world.
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Chinese: They have no feelings and eat dogs and want to take over the world. Leave Taiwan alone, 10 years we've been without Hong Kong, ah no more Yellow Thread Street, enjoy yer new Pandas.
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Japanese: Take responsibly for yer actions in the war, you were the bad guys and now are mindless ants waiting to be replaced by immigrants as you can't breed very fast.
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Indians : Gandhi was a cunt ask his son, what were you thinking getting rid of the British? and the Battle of the Little Big Horn, what the fuck? Now there is an arrest warrant out on Richard Gere, if you execute him for kissing Shippla I might not be so bitter about yous.
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Pakkies: you may very well just be Indians, well that's what brits call all the brown people, try harder with Al Qaeda and stop making excuses.
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Americans: Late for two world wars, yer enlightened tourists cum to Europe with cowboy hats on and tell us how small and old everything is, you can't look after yer own people and send yer troops to get ass fucked by 3rd world camel jockeys friendly fire is a Yank tradition, remember when you torture people don't pose for pics that's silly, and they hear my accent and think I'm Irish cos they know no better, you know how to hurt a fella.
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English: The old stiff upper lip image is being replaced by Burberry Chavs, you're out numbered and soon will be just like the States, you need national service and haircuts.
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Welsh: They don't do anything but shag sheep............boring.
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Irish : Lazy fuckers that go about being witty all the time and are stubborn when it cums to being conquered, neutral during the second world war? like fuck you were you pretend friend to nazis.
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Argentineans
: The Falklands war, and being a haven for nazis and for Evita, you bastards.
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Turkeys: no not the birds the people from Turkey, I've never liked you lot.
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The Swiss : cuckoo clock chocolate eating cunts, where were you during the war? ach away and guard the Pope.
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All the Benelux cuntries: Whats there to like?
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Koreans north and south: I just don't get it but I do like Korean weemen better than most chink races and Kim Jong Ill cracks me up.
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Burma, Thailand, Cambodia,Vietnam: Love you long time but I'll be mostly wearing a rubber ya dirty shites, where does that Pedo Arthur C Clarke live? I'll knock him and his space telescope out.
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The Pope: Ex Hitler youth that diddles boys and refuses to wear a rubber, he tells people how to live and will forgive a murderer before he forgives a divorcee.
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Anyone that isn't Protestant: you'll all burn in hell, hey don't blame me rules are rules, oh Mormons, Jehovah witnesses and Pentecostals don't count, they are just nutters.
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People who are intolerant toward others: put the fuckers into dead camps.
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People I have to explain my humour to as they just miss it: I bet you pretended to find Monty Python funny so you would look cool. Benny Hill was not funny but it was good to wank to.
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Judges: morons with power.
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Liberals: cum to terms with reality for fucks sake, its not trendy and can't be solved with a fundraiser, yer conscience can though.
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Conservatives: try to think for yerselves, go on leave the angry mob for 5 minutes and meet the people you are against , you've got yers so fuck the rest.
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God: c'mon lad pull yer finger out and do something.
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Superman: c'mon lad pull yer finger out and do something.
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People that post Youtubes : I have this thing called the telly, if I wanted to watch it I'd........
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People that post memes: Shopping lists are more fun.
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People that post dirty pictures: yeah whatever so I hate myself.
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Anonymous commenters: why do you always have to be soooo boring, at least pick out a nice name for yerself.
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The Morbidly Obese: ya fat fuckers use a shotgun to kill yerself so I don't have to look at you and hear how yer life sucks, its yer fault dopey, fat people are supposed to be jolly.
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Skinny dying fuckers: eat up yer at yer aunties.
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Snobs: I'll fight ya in a cage match.
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Lazy people: You can't trust those who don't know how to work.
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Weemen who reject my sexual advances: What the fuck are ya thinking? are ya a Leezer?
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People who play the race card: you're such a pathetic victim and that's how you will stay.
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Gangsta rappers: Stop playing the race card, I don't hate Black people I hate stupid people, and don't call me G.
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Israelis: Once the victims of hate and now the perpetrators of it, did you learn nothing?
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People who don't learn from the past: You are the reason Therapists exist, so self absorbed but so blind to yer issues. Woody Allen and the word "intimacy" make me want to boak.
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White Supremacists: You dumb fuckers, just because yer hoor of a mother was white and yer father if you knew him was white and that you have a shotgun that you can shoot cans with, does not make you the master race.
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People who walk in on me while I'm wanking: So fucking annoying and its never a hot woman who wants to help you, its usually the bus driver about to throw me off the bus.
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Space Aliens: I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like them, Just watch documentaries like Independence day and you'll see why oh and thankyou Americans for saving the world, yeah right. Aliens you can beat but Sandsavages.
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Gypsies: those dirty fuckers stole my mother's soul and kept it in a broken microwave for 15 years.
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Doctors: They know nothing and keep you waiting past yer appointment time without a sorry or a cup of tea.
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Lemurs: Pure evil and have been killing folk for years but get away with it cos they look cuddly.
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Environmentalists: Global warming, extinct species are bloody nature quit trying to stop or change it as then you are going against nature.
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Do Gooders: Go and feed the homeless people at Christmas time and ignore then the rest of the year.
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Homeless people/winos: no you fuckwit I can't spare 20p, shoot them all and make soap from their bodies.
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Babies: You get on all useless with yer "mama I have a stinky" but you're really just sneaky lazy shites playing on yer cuteness like Lemurs without the claws of death, I know I was once a baby.
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Young People: you don't know you're born.
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People against same sex marriage: Why should the gheys not suffer too? let them get married as I am sick of their disposable income.
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Homophobes: Gheys are an immense source of humour, names like Poo Pirate, Up Hill Gardener , Shirt Lifter and Leezer are priceless, they should be nurtured.
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Bigots in general: I hate haters and won't rest until they are hung from a tree with a fork up their arse like the good old days.
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People who don't like Old Knudsen: If you're not with me then you're against me.
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The ancient Egyptians: What a load of cunts.
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Prudes: I don't want to hear about yer dislike of vulgar language or sexuallity, being an adult means you can fuck away back to yer Alpine gardening club, I can smell yer issues from here.
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Bullies: I'll knock you out.
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Reality Shows: They insult our intelligence as much as memes do.
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Smuggies: Cunts that drive hybrids and love the smell of their own farts.
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Upper Classes: Ok I get it yer cousins were married, just like the inbred ancient egyptians, you're still twats.
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Upper Class wannabes: Buy all the nice stuff you want and put on an accent but they still won't accept you.
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The Hollywood movie Industry: What a silly world you think you live in, stop making shite films.
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I actually like Canadians and Australians though their national identity is not what it used to be. In case you haven't worked it out yet The Scots are God's chosen people, bow doon before me plebs.

33 comments:

AZ said...

You forgot the physically handicapped! I'd bow down to ya, but that would bring me way to close to your sorry ass "chosen person" penis.

Old Knudsen said...

I'm not bitter about mongs though I may laugh at their expense, the fact that you even mentioned my penis means subconsciously you want it, go on deny it as a denial will prove I'm right.

Kate Isis said...

Thank God the Germans have taken their rightful place once again.
You gotta love a guy who tells it how it is and doesn't apologise for it.
Welcome back Old K, not that you ever left but it was great mind fuck while it lasted.

Old Knudsen said...

What a pair of star crossed bloggers we are, I was just on you so to speak.

AZ said...

Okay, I won't deny it, but I'm really interested in a 3-way, can I bring my best friend Lorena?

Old Knudsen said...

I don't like being watched while in action, she'll have to wait her turn outside.


Let me guess Lorena is yer pet Lab.

She still has to wait.

AZ said...

Please! You may know her by her married name, Mrs. Bobbitt, she is divorced now after a little mishap with a knife...

Old Knudsen said...

Ah ya got me, and I also crossed my legs.
Maybe some other time theres a queue anyway.

dive said...

Sigh … I kinda miss happy Knudsen …

lynn said...

Well that was interesting reading over my porridge (yes the proper stuff don't worry, Old K. Nothing less) Why didn't you put racism into the labels?

Several made me laugh out loud -
Turkish - I've never liked you lot. lol.
English - you need National Service and haircuts lol not a bad idea
People who play the race card - You're such a pathetic victim and that's how you will stay. Pretty accurate, it's played far too often.

Entertaining, Old K. Welcome back. Come over to Cheltenham for some porridge, come on.. there's a bit left.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back!! Y:-) Paddy

Fresh Hell said...

Willing to acknowledge your existence again now that balance has been restored to the universe. Yellow... Daises and puppies... I was so distressed I very nearly cried. I hope you are quite through with your foray into a kinder gentler blog.

Kieran said...

You'll be back.

Reflecting Pool said...

Don't be a hater, G.

MJ said...

What's not to like about Canucks, eh? So in honour of your love of Canadians, your picture will replace the pic of the loon on the Canadian one-dollar coin. Henceforth, the "Loonie" coin will be known as the "Knuddie."

The Hangar Queen said...

"Scots are God's chosen people" For what? Merciless buggering from the Burberry Chavs to your south?

Welcome back you unbelieveable bastard.You were missed...literally..you were bobbing your head a bit too energetically on those'Wee Men'for the sniper I dispatched to 'extract'you.

dh said...

I didn't see futile bloggers on the list. Does this mean I'm safe for now?

Lee said...

The Pope description was profound. You are an angry, angry fellow.

The pic of the lady below is giving me nightmares. Thanks.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Glad you didn't mention gorillas, but why didn't you mention titties? Do you like all of them, even the droopy ones in the picture?

ellie said...

"People who walk in on me while I'm wanking: So fucking annoying and its never a hot woman who wants to help you, its usually the bus driver about to throw me off the bus.

That really made me laugh.
Glad I missed the few days when you were soft in the head. (that is not a reference to above wanking comment btw)

First Nations said...

totally with you on the ancient egyptian issue.

Old Knudsen said...

dive you cunt. I have added to yer comments on my fan blog from what you've said recently.

lynn I didn't put wanking interuptions in the labels either which is far more important.

paddy you haven't got the hang of the anonymous comments yet have you?

fresh hell just send me money so this never happens again.

Kieran you're my darth vader trying to get me to walk into the light, you bawbag licker.

reflecting pool My granny used to call me G, god I miss her, she lives in Spain, reflect on that.

MJ shit I forgot you're a Canadian, just lump yerself in with the yanks. Did you call me a loonie?

Ms Queen the whole German army missed me on Iwa Jima God in my shield.

DH Yes you're safe as I enjoy the lesser blogs, they make me feel like a good blogger.

lee The Pope owes me money and I never forget.

Mr Bananas there is a fine line between bitter and hate, my hate list is a lot longer.Tits are tits, droopy, severed or perky I like em.

ellie where the fuck have you been? no drama or nothing, you're supposed to say you're giving up blogging and lay low for a while to see who comments.

first nations yer poem has gone up on me fan blog with the other you posted a while back, I am honoured to be the muse of so many.

Dear Prudence said...

i CANT FOCUS ENOUGH TOREADE ANYOF THIS BUTTTTT I LOVE YA! AND MISS YA...

Manuel said...

Feel better for getting that off your chest? Its a rant of waiter proportions. Might cut you in on Saturdays tips. Might not too...

Old Knudsen said...

Dear Prudence did you just call my post a butt? you yanks with yer chewing gum and nylons.

manuel I was ranting long before you served yer first customer with spittle soup, Le Belle Epoc, thats where you work right?

Troika said...

Sonny and Shia I got Jew babe

I'm going to buy you 500 pints of beer for that one.

Old Knudsen said...

I used it in a former post but like to regurgitate for anyone that missed it. I'll take yer 500 pints.

Angela-la-la said...

Welcome back you old tart fart!

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

A triumph! A bloody tour de force, man!

SQT said...

Yeah, babies. Who needs 'em?

Lord Garfunkel of Ballyesmond said...

a splendiferous example of equal-opportunity insulterising, old fellow.

Matt said...

As a fan of your politics, I nominate you for president of the United States of America.

By the way, we weren't late for two world wars--we saved your asses in what was really Europe's Great Civil War. You guys destroyed your empires and let the Middle East take over your lands.

By the way, I thought you were Irish.

Seriously, I'd vote for ya.

Matt said...

"waiting to be replaced by immigrants as you can't breed very fast."

I fear this sentence migh be a good descriptor for most of Europe.