How To Get Your Prayers Answered

God always answered his prayers for hitting Nazis ... right up to the time he was killed. 

You don't have to be a church goer to get your prayers answered. You don't even have to believe very hard at all in order to get your prayers answered. Nor do you have to do good stuff ... who the fuck has time to do good stuff? You only end up getting beheaded by ISIS or something when you try to help others.

Has never read a book in his life and now he's President. 

It's easy to get your prayers answered and you don't have to promise your soul to anyone including God.   

Old Knudsen has spent years studying scripture ... after 3 years he gave up, the Aramaic words just wouldn't make sense so he just read the English translation instead.

What Old Knudsen found was a vital secret. Biblical scriptures contained words of power and as any student of ceremonial Magick knows the words of power have ... power!

Yes, they had the power to render Old Knudsen unconscious. The best fucken sleep I've had for years. 

In the modern age we don't have to go out shopping, we can do it online. We don't even have to meet people face to face to have a conversation with them, you can even wank while talking to them and they would never know ... unless you blog about it. There are even chairs that you can poop in while online so you don't have to move cos moving to do things is so 20th century.  

Social media has taken out the tax dodging middle man (the church) and you can get blessings or help save a child with cancer online. 

Well done Timmy you are now a man

Back in the day I would walk into Tesco and argue with people, now all I have to do is say, "ach Hitler, Trump and Bill Cosby aren't that bad and Roman Polanski is a genius of cinema and therefore can fuck a child if he wants to" .... it's awesome! ... a real ice breaker.

Trump supporters that complain how whiny Libtards are tend to be whiny and very thin skinned pussies themselves. I never get such a child like response posting negative things about Hillary and Obama than I do about Trump. 

Hillary supports fracking ..... crickets

Obama commits war crimes with his drones daily ...... crickets

Trump is orange ..... YOU LIBTARDS ALWAYS RESORTING TO INSULTING YOU FUCKEN DISGUSTING SNOWFLAKE LOVING CRY BABY, WINNING IS WHAT WE DO GET OVER IT!!!!!

 

  

The Internet is awesome but can it really help you get yer prayers answered? Why yes it can. 

Look at the picture, why do you think God isn't helping the poor wee African child? Firstly helping Africans ... is this 1985 for fucks sake? 

They don't get help because they probably aren't praying in English. Santa doesn't stop their either and rightly so. Africa is a big place so there are many that have been taught English and the way of the Lord, they still won't get into Heaven but at least it looks good. Great effort guys! 

They tend to clog up the psychic airwaves praying to not die of hunger or for the militia to stop raping their mother or some shite. 

 

Like God, Superman, Spider man and the Higglytown Heroes, Old Knudsen is here to help you. 

Find out yer location first. You can check trees for which side the moss is growing, see the direction of the sun rising or setting or check the envelopes of any mail you get to yer house, that should tell you where you are. Don't ask a spouse or neighbor as people lie and are out to trick you. 

You might accidentally ask a Liberal with a New World Order agenda who will steal yer guns when yer distracted or a Trump supporter who'll probably steal yer washing as it hangs to dry and any loose change you have lying about ... it's their way. 

Boko Haram preparing to kill an aid worker.

If all else fails just ask Google. Once you've established where you are you have to get into the mind of an African. You'll have to fight the urge to kill lions and jump up and down on the spot chanting, think about what you are doing. Are you awake or sleeping in Africa? 

Sleeping Africans can't pray. While there is a lull in the God communication network knock one out ... a prayer I mean. It might piss the all mighty off who was having some quiet time but at least it will get through. 

Time yer prayers for when part of the world hasn't woken up yet. 98% of Old Knudsen's prayers cum true. It's a FACT! 

FACT! 

Large and in bold so it must be true. Old Knudsen is old and prays not to die in between the breaks of his favorite TV shows ... I'm still here. 

 

I prayed to find my soulmate then got an e-mail I found in my spam folder from Emily who wants to taste me. 

I prayed for my bowels to hold until I got off the bus after I had yon curry. Well that was the 2% even God can't control the effects of a curry. You'd think I'd learn by now. 

An old woman from Brazil was praying to a figure from Lord of the Rings she had mistaken for a saint. Her grandson noticed and her prayers to be mocked on social media worldwide came true... She prayed when Africa was sleeping. 

She also prayed for wealth and not long after the story came out a load of Nigerian Princes have been wooing her.

Old Knudsen was praying for a big dick and his arresting officer on Saturday night was named Richard, hardly a coincidence, he was big too. 

So do as I have suggested as well as click LIKE or type AMEN on those social media posts. Don't listen to people that put up memes saying God isn't your fairy godmother and doesn't grant wishes. How dare they pretend to know the will of God .... damn them all! 

God keeps up to date with technology and even has one of those eye pods in his ear. Heaven gets great Wee-Fi reception and he reads EVERYTHING even yer messages. He's like the NSA except he has been invited in to yer hearts and computers. 

Even atheists have God with them because all the Bible thumpers pray for them. So send him yer prayers you aren't really talking to yerself for that would mean that we ourselves are God, and that immortal invisible beings that care about YOU and how you have sex and who you have sex with don't exist and that right there is crazy talk, of course they exist.

  

     

 

Spread Your Seed Of Love

Abraham the first Patriarch of the Jewish people. The father of many was an important figure in the Old Testament because he was good at fucking. 

God picked him cos he had staying power. He had two wives and a bit on the side. Even in his 90's he was a goer but a bit of a control freak that started to cut bits of the ends of cocks because the voices he heard told him to. The nutter even did his own.   

God didn't offer up his own junk to be nipped BTW. Is a handshake too weird or something? 

Eight kids by 3 different women, he's worse than Trump for fucks sake. Sounds like a cult, something David Koresh would do.
 

 'And in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed; because thou hast obeyed my voice'

He was given land by the voices in his head on the condition that he fucked like mad and make lots of kids. The voices even told him to sacrifice his own son Isaac and then they changed their minds at the last minute.

Kill yer son Abraham!

He 8 sons, no daughters oddly enough or maybe they just weren't needed for the story. Abraham just turns into a sex machine in his 70's when his wife lets him fuck the servants. There is no information of his life before, he just pops into being fully formed.

On this holy day (Sunday, not the old Sabbath) I give forth a celebration of seed .... of God's word. 

Of course the story of Abraham is a literary construct to do with validity and land rights .. just a story, like the Exodus one. No historical evidence or time frame but all the facts and names are mysteriously known. 

Important stuff was being carved on walls but God saw a future in books and so porno mags were invented. The Bible paved the way for porno mags.

Praise him!

It's not about the money, money, money. We don't need your money, money, money. We just wanna make the world dance cos we're God's chos ... an. 

Odin Approves Of Hump Day

 

  Tolkien ripped off was inspired by Odin for some of his characters in Lord of the rings. 

Odin, Woden, Wodenaz, Woten, Wuotan or Wu Tang is the father of Norse mythology and has today (Wednesday) named after him.
The name comes from the Proto-Germanic, Old High German, Old English and Saxon meaning something like a mind or spirit that maybe a full of rage with powers of prophecy. 

Odin's grandfather was made by the giant cow Audhumbla, as she licked space rocks, each lick produced a body part of Buri and then made a son for him Bor. Bor married a Frost Giant (a Jotun) and had 3 sons Odin, Vile and Ve.

The 3 of them were right cunts, back then there wasn't any planets, they had to make their own entertainment. There was just a giant cow and a great big bloke named Ymir and some giants. Even though they were part cow lick and part giant they hated the giants (penis envy) and killed Ymir drowning nearly all the Jotuns with his blood, all except one.

The Earth, seas and mountains were made from Ymir's body and blood, his hair became trees and grass, the maggots that came from his skull became dwarves who then went on to making the stars and the sky and appear in some really classy pornos.

 
Any science class will tell you all of this.   

Some "experts" have speculated that the Norse gods came from Hindu and Greek legends during the Iron age, Odin being a bit of a late comer. He's widely known from the 5th century on when the Norse went forth to spread their ways across the known and unknown werld. 

 Loki turned into a mare and was fucked by a stallion to give Odin his 8 legged horse.

As like Solomon and King David the older families and royalty claim a family connection to Odin. Kings in the middle ages had family trees that went back to Jesus for fucks sake. Didn't Jesus himself claim to be descended from David via Joseph .... now which is it, David of God? Make up yer mind.  

From Baghdad to Vinland those Vikings got around. They exported from Greenland, walrus ivory, furs, skins, wool. From Iceland, fish, animal fat, wool cloth and clothing, sulfur, falcons. From England, tin, wheat, honey, woolens, silver, barley, linen. From Russia, slaves, furs, wax, honey. From Byzantium, silks, fruits, spices, wines, gems, silver, jewelry.

The original blurred lines .... you know you want it.

Back then you'd barter or use coin. Hack silver was a length of silver you'd cut bits off to pay for things. Back then 8 ounces of silver would get you 4 milk cows and 12 would get you a male slave but now since the Tories and even worse Brexit you get fuck all for yer money. Have you tried to buy slaves in this economy? Fucken nie impossible. 

Silver pennies were the same size as British pennies or US cents but thinner.

Back to Odin. He was a smart fucker and had valkyries or the ladies of Odin to fight for him cos weemen fight to win, not fight to posture like blokes do. I'm sure he was very professional though he has been connected as the bringer of ecstasy so always good if yer having a party. 

Odin demanded his blood and was the decider in many a battle. He rules war and gives people strength against the enemy.

 Who wants a cracker, did you say it was Polly?

He believed that knowledge was power and had two ravens Huginn and Muninn, thought and memory to spy for him and tell him news. He is also known as the Raven god and ravens have always been depicted with him.
Gods are all about sacrifice. You sacrifice to the gods and then when that became less acceptable it became the gods that sacrificed for us.

Runes are a form of alphabet that can be used for divination and spells. Old Knudsen uses them for glimpses of what is to be but usually finds they tell what was or what is, probably because the future is still open to variables and prone to change. The runes gained by Odin date back to 100 BC.

We have some in our alphabet such as M meaning man or mankind relating to ones 'self ' and R meaning wagon or chariot which signifies travel.    

 He sacrificed his eye and probably some sanity for the wisdom and knowledge the runes gave him.

I know that I hung on a wind-rocked tree, nine whole nights, with a spear wounded, and to Odin offered, myself to myself; on that tree, of which no one knows from what root it springs. Bread no one gave me, nor a horn of drink, downward I peered, to runes applied myself, wailing learnt them,

Who hasn't done that? His lower self (ego) for his higher self. He tripped out until he saw the shapes of the runes which he memorised and was able to use them in spells for wisdom and healing. He went on to teach the runes to Freya and Heimdall. 

 

Tomorrow is Thors day, lets get hammered. 

As with werds of power there are numbers of power as seen in many religions. 3 and 9 being the most popular. 3 days before Jesus turned into a walker, the trinity, 3 is used 467 times in the Bible. The 3 children of Loki, 3 sons of Odin left after Ragnarok, 9 rings, 9 steps that Thor took before dying yadda yadda. 

 

 

Hanging with a spear wound is so Jesus like. Christians have stolen many Pagan ways in order to convert the Pagans to their brand of mental illness. It's ok, many of these ideas (like the flood) came from earlier religions too but rebranded and changed like the new Ghostbusters film.  

 

Do we need yet another god or another remake? ... oh it's all weemen, how fucken sassy. The older ones were and are still just as good as when they came out. 

Odin is not the noble wise god you see in the Marvel movies. He lied and tricked to get his way and the NSA had nothing compared to his ravens. 

 

 

Every week we honour him on Wednesday or hump day cos he liked a fine piece of ass. Now if the Neo-Nazis could stop invoking his name for their hatred that would be great, they are the wrong kind of ass. 

  

A Victory For Charlie Hebdo

 Al-Qaeda usually put the blas ...T in blasphemy, how ironic. 

By now you've heard how 2 gunmen, possibly linked to Al-Qaeda went into the offices of the France magazine Charlie Hebdo and shot and killed 12 people. 

One of the victims, Stéphane Charbonnier (AKA Charb) was the publishing director and a cartoonist. He had been was on an al Qaeda "wanted" list dead or Alive for Crimes Against Islam. The offices were under police protection at the time of the shooting. 


The editor and cartoonist said in 2012: "Muhammad isn't sacred to me. I don't blame Muslims for not laughing at our drawings. I live under French law. I don't live under Quranic law." He said the cartoons would shock "Only those who will want to be shocked".

While one suspect handed himself into the police two others, thought to be brothers named Kouachi and Cherif Kouachi are still on the loose .... it won't end well for those two cunts.

Charlie Hebdo knew what would happen when they published the cartoons of Muhammad that were first shown in a Danish newspaper and when they invited Muhammad to be its guest editor with his bug eyed caricature on the cover. 
People who get so far into religion that it consumes their everyday life usually don't have much of a sense of humour and will take offense at anything, be they Muslim, Christian or Jew.   

 Religions wanting Charlie Hebbo to be silenced. 

When someone takes offense it's usually because fun has been made of what they believe in or what they think is true and this belief isn't solid fact and contains some major flaws, maybe they know deep down that what you say is true but rather than say, 'oh whatever' or 'you are welcome to your opinion' they attack because they feel as though they have been attacked. 

The attack is in response to the very idea that they may be wrong and they cannot accept that.... or more so they cannot accept that YOU may be right.   

Betty Bowers: America's best Christian  has a proper handle on it. On a similar vein Voltaire Said: To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you can't criticize. 

I've found that not being able to criticize people also has to do with who your friends are. If you have a friend who is a good person and you like them but they support a harmful or dangerous ideology then you might think twice about speaking out about that ideology for fear of upsetting them .... unless yer me of course as Old Knudsen is a big believer in being true to himself.  

You can't control what others think of you or how they see you and who knows what the fuck they think? maybe they are ready a dose of common sense. You can't spend life worrying what others might think. 

Yes I may offend but I may also speak the truth too. A few times my truth is not 100% correct or is too based in reality or actual events than how things are supposed to be but I try. 

Charlie Hebdo says you can't criticize the big 3 religions and that is true. Contradictory lifestyles based on writings that are thousands of years old, many are archaic and don't represent the changing times and many are just full of bullshit. 

One person can read the Bible and ignore the bad bits while others only focus on the bad bits because it empowers them or rather it belittles others. Organized religion is stupid and if you believe you should live yer life by it then .... figure out what that makes you.

Genders, races, abortion, the dead, equality, Israel, Palestine, the Holocaust, the disabled, charities, fat people, the troops, the police, alcoholics etc etc the list goes on. You thread on thin ice if you dare to point any faults or have an opinion that isn't trendy.

My enlightened fucking mind can say that Israel is our ally and how we need them in the Middle east but I'll also mention what crazy murderous fuckers they can be who in this age of surgical military attacks go for the weapons that do the most damage, do they really care if they kill Palestinian children? Their actions say no.

I may feel dirty and compromised at still supporting them but in the real world even the good guys commit atrocities.
I decided on what the problem of the world is:

 Love is stronger than hate.

The problem isn't Muslim gunmen, Christian gunmen, religion, gun control, sexism, racism or whatever, it's stupid people. The rest are all by products of that stupidity. ~ Old Knudsen

Take away the stupid people and most of their stupid leaves with them. Sometimes (see Japan WWII) the stupid has to be bombed out of them .... seriously, it took not one but two nukes?

The world has an abundance of stupid and speaking out with reason, logic and an arrow pointing towards doing the decent thing is all some can do, if we do it then things can change.

Eventually the seed of decency takes root but only after many horrible atrocities. Killing people for cartoons will only inspire more cartoons.

  

 

Pastor Has Gay Cure

The reverend Frank Schiften from the Universal life ministries church of Jesus and all the prophets  in San Francisco has something to add to the Bible.
Schiften was sitting on the toilet one morning listening though the door to his wife doing her constant nagging about his spending from their joint bank account when he asked the lord for guidance.

In his own words, "I had just dropped a deuce when in my mind's eye God was talking to me, he told me that the Bible was not yet finished and I was the one to do it"  God spoke with a mid-western American accent and a slight lisp by the way. "I know you better than anyone, stop hiding who you are, females are only to be used for breeding and you have produced 2 fine children now be yourself and step out of the closet and into the light my son."

God went on to tell Mr Schiften that being homosexual was God's true gift to humanity and was the  true natural state for all men. Ghey weemen are just kidding themselves or have issues, their place in Heaven is secure but men who are straight will go straight to Hell.
 

 87% of soccer spectators have had a at least one experiment with homosexuality and think about their favourite players during sex.

Those men who join in with group male activities know they are ghey in their subconscious but refuse to face it. Satan is the one who is preventing this. 

Schiften has typed up 3 pages of what God had told him and has demanded that it be added to any new printings of the Bible, so far church leaders have denounced this idea. Prominent French clergyman Cardinal Richelieu said, "This is preposterous, you expect us to believe that God has spoken to you rather than say,  me? You must think us stupid to to think we will fall for that, give us proof and then we'll believe, until then keep your imaginary friend to yourself."    

Well said Cardinal. Just because you said so doesn't make it true, am I right? 4/10 people hallucinate during the defecation process, it has to do with losing brain cells while pooing. A large dungie pushed out at speed will cause the loss of thousand of brain cells in one go which can cause hallucinations and phantom smells.  

 

Schiften left his wife of 18 years and now lives in a room at the back of his church with a Hispanic gardener named Jesus. He claims to be able to cure straight men through intensive scripture study and lots of oral sex. It is thought that this method will appeal to long term married men who can barely remember what a blow job is.

Schiften strokes his mustache and beard and says, "If there's hair, God wants you to put it there."  

  

Scare If You Care

So I got this religious leaflet through my door, it was an invitation to go to a Presbyterian church... odd them having to advertise considering the amount of people claiming to be Protestant in Northern Ireland.

They must really work on their advertising, You are a sinner does not make me want to go to church, what if they all know about my sins ? I'll just cry in my darkened corner of sin and masturbate.

All sin must be punished

Still not winning me over. 

After scaring you about Hell it eventually goes on to say how in 5 weekly payments to God, Jesus and his blood will clean away yer sin ..... ugh! what if he has aids or something? hes from the Middle east what if he has that coronavirus?  I'm no letting his body fluids near me. 

On the page across from The punishment for sin is Hell you'll find when the Children's meetings are. 

Now if you mentioned free food and easy weemen I may have considered it. 

 The only sure way to get rid of that shit is to kill it with fire.

Over Heard At The Pub

Michael Jackson, Osama Bin Laden and the Pope in a plane

The plane is about to crash, and the Pope starts praying for God to save the Children.

'Fuck The Children' says Osama
To which Michael Jackson replies:

'Do we have time?'

A priest and a rabbi are walking along, and pass two young boys in the street.
The priest to the rabbi: You see those two boys? Lets go back there and fuck 'em.
The rabbi: Out of what?

A pedophile priest and a small child are walking in the woods. The child says 'it's scarey out here.' The priest responds 'if you think it's scarey, imagine me.

I have to walk out of here alone.'

How do you make a gay man have sex with your girlfriend?
Shit in her cunt.

Whats the difference between a train carriage and a miscarriage?

You can't eat a train carriage

What's black and doesn't work?
Half of Birmingham

"Hey that last one is just out of order you slitty eyed cunt."

Theres a moral to this post but I'm no pointing it out to ya.

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Happy Christmas If Yer Reading This Then Yer A Lucky Cunt

Born to be sacrificed by his deadbeat dad and too dumb to run from the Romans, millions believe this story but for some strange reason they don't believe my Blog which in my opinion is more believable.

Ok enough is enough, next you'll say that Saddam having WMDs is historical fact because most of the cunts in charge said so or that Sherlock Holmes is a historical character because he has a hoose in London.

I hope you got everything you wanted.

On my news blog I have a birthday of the day widget and today the 25th December it has Jesus Christ as having his birthday though it says there is no evidence of it. What scholars agree that Jesus is an historical figure? the holocaust deniers? religious scholars? sorry the Romans were sticklers for writing doon details and never mentioned him, here let me take the word some illiterate Jews gone wrong that didn't even know Jesus because Jews are a fucking stable bunch to begin with just look at the middle east today and where Christians and Muslims came from.

Nice beaver, "thanks I just had it stuffed" I'd love to bust that star.

From todays birthday widget

Most scholars agree that Jesus of Nazareth was a historical figure, a preacher and healer in Roman-occupied Palestine who was crucified in Jerusalem. He is the central figure in Christianity and an important prophet in Islam. Christmas, December 25th by the Gregorian Calendar, is celebrated as his birthday, although there is no evidence that this was his actual date of birth.

Did you have a white christmas? did yer partner give you a pearl necklace?

Lets get something straight, all that religious stuff is mythology, you say Greek mythology, Roman mythology, Norse mythology but you'll find some silly cunt looking for the Ark of the covenant on the 'History' channel .


Or were you as bored as this lass?

Religion only becomes dominant when it forces itself on others, replaces and out-breeds them which is why the Belgians are shitting themselves about their Islamic immigrant population and turning more towards those with white supremacist leanings.

This would be for Ellie before she complains about the lack of man meat in my post. He could make it Christmas everyday for you.

Commercialism and ignorance have mostly replaced historical fact and what mythologies they were stolen from. I blame the Yanks of course for a lot of it like their embracing of Halloween, Easter and Christmas to make them reasons to buy stuff, they even have memorial day sales for the fallen war dead, tacky but profitable.

The UK will be mini America in 10 years, its half way there already.

Did you get legless?

Santa used to be the pagan god of sailors, the end of December is the birth of the sun not the son, Easter is to fuck like bunnies and for the plants to re-awaken and Halloween is getting yer food ready for the long winter not handing out sweets to wee fat shites in masks.

Its funny how time goes on and life and death celebrations and festivals become bland meaningless ways to spend money and outcast anyone who won't play along. Mother's day, Father's day, Grandparent's day ,Valentine day or any other pulled out of Hallmark's arse day.

Appreciate those that mean something to you every day, it should always be mother's day (unless shes a cunt) give thanks for what you have and count yer blessings like when yer child smiles at you or yer coffee tastes extra nice one day and be grateful you can even buy the coffee.

I don't mean be a wet blanket that says peace and love dude, save the whales I mean just live on yer terms and not be dictated to by an uncaring society that will talk shite behind yer back the first chance it gets and only loves you when yer spending.
Fuck the whales their extinction is called evolution and God, 2007 years is a long time to be an apathetic voyeur, what have you done for us lately ?

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And Jesus Said, "What About Ye?"

A poll of more than 1,000 people found that the people in the Republic of Ireland have more religious knowledge than those in Northern Ireland. only 31% could recite the First Commandment.

That's the one that says "You shall have no other gods before Me" I told the Big G at the time that this one sounded a little insecure, what does a big bad deity like you have to fear from those other silly gods? I told him to just say "NO!" so that can be interpreted as anything but oh no that cunt never listens to anyone, he asked me "do you not have to be stupid somewhere else?" I answered, "not until 4 O'clock."

Knowledge doesn't play a big part in the religion of Northern Ireland, sure they had this whole terrorism thing for nearly 4 decades over the true Protestant way and the evil Catholic way but really they knew fuck all about religion. Like the Islamofascists they make it up as they go along and use it as an excuse.

Here is what the Protestant majority of Northern Ireland know about religion.

If you go to a big stone church once a week you will get into Heaven.

Looking respectable at church means yer a good person.

Catholics are evil because ................. they work for the Pope and are all IRA terrorists, yep that sounds right.

Those who do not believe what you believe in are wrong and so therefore inferior and doomed.

You only believe what yer vicar tells you assuming you can stay awake and remember the sermon.

Its not my job to know the 12 commandments .

Jesus was a white blue eyed man and the first Protestant.

The Pope is in league with the Devil and probably an ex Nazi.

The naked body is sinful and drink is the Devil's vomit but as long as its you its ok to enjoy both.

If in doubt shout "NO POPE HERE" and refuse to listen.

I'm a torn man, Ian Paisley and George Clooney are both up for the Tipperary Peace Award. I don't mind being snubbed yet again (fucking bog trotters) but how can I chose between these two gods of goodness?