Eskimos Are Cunts!

I haven't been getting into the swing of blogging recently as real life events seem to be getting in my way. I have to organise a surprise birthday party pour moi, that's Greek 'for me' to all you uneducated types (my readers in other words) no doubt you all marked on yer calendars last year when I posted about my birthday in order that I get my presents and money orders on time so I don't have to tell you all when it is as for how old I am its none of yer fucking business and having left school at the tender age of 12 to pursue a career doon a coal mine or (doon pit) I can't count up to that number anyway.

All my Hollywood A-lister buddies and other celebs will be cumming to it, except for the ones that have work of course. I don't want to name drop but my guest list includes Tom Sizemore (depending on parole restrictions) Charlie Sheen, Gary Busey, Victor Mature (depending on the power of voodoo restrictions) Amy Winehoose is free to come to it, Tony Curtis of course, it wouldn't be a party without Tony, Eva Longoria will be there as I told her paparazzi will be there with their cameras, Kathleen Turner, Gwen Stefani (who won't be drinking) and Gavin her hubby. Cher will be there with her new body, his name is Jake. The Blairs since they don't have real jobs anymore Robbie Williams will get his fat arse over here from LA on Dave and Posh's jet, so just a small party really I don't even know why I mentioned it. Beyonce and Jay & C won't be there as they are still sore about me marrying them without a license but that's how I roll pimp lad.

Other good news, I put a pony doon on the nose of 'The rich widow' and won big, she had to be put doon afterwards but that's what so great about the sport of kings. My gut told me to bet a monkey but being Scottish I couldn't bear to part with it.

For mongs....... I put 25 quid on a long shot horse to win a race and won I wish I had bet 500.

Last year was shite so I "read" porn.

So this year I shall be attending the 12th July parades in Belfast. The parades in Killamory are just becoming too sectarian as we keep getting a nasty crowd of trouble makers in from Glasgow, and there was big trouble last year when they burned a Catholic effigy is that the right word? no I mean Catholic clergy that's it we burned a priest at the top of the fire, he was probably a pedo they all are. The peelers broke up the 11th night bonfires and traditional drinking and fighting so everyone was sober at the start of the 12th day just not the same and an 11th night just isn't the same if you don't see a guy running for his life across a car park being chased by 5 others, its like a sign of good luck for me like a shooting star or shooting a president.

I have travel arrangements to make, I'll be staying with Ellie and Manuel while I'm there, probably more with Ellie as she is a female and a cheap drunk and Manuel is having some work done according to his Blog, I think its lipo and a scrotal tuck besides have you read him? hes a cunt. I just need to find out their addresses and surprise them if anyone can help me that might be nice.

So busy busy busy and I have a voodoo sacrifice to make, it takes work to look this good you know.

I have been doing exercises to ward of old age, I do repetitions of lifting cans of beans, I saw it on the senior channel the other day but then I started getting a bit too buff and realised it was because my beans had them wee sausages in them.

I wonder if anyone has ever thought about marketing tins of beans for the older amateur athlete with rubberised labels and different weights with less sass and more beans, something to think about or you could just yap about the lack of tits in my post, why post tits when tits read my posts ? that's in the bible you know.

Latest OBB News Up-Dates

The Five Most Ugh-Sexiest Weemen ALIVE!

Do people really see her as sexy and if so why? no arse, no tits, as deep as a bird-bath with a sly/smug, smirk on her face and a selfish mean personality, and piss stains.

Maxim magazine that sexist wank rag that keeps the sista doon has named "The Five Unsexiest Weemen Alive" as opposed to "The Five Unsexiest Weemen Dead" I like it when they lie still.

At # Five is Britney Spears. I must remind all of those who used to think she was hot until they saw her true colours , she packed on a few and squeezed out a couple of wee nippers. Remember that I never said she was sexy, I said something like, "look at that slut with a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle, she can't sing or dance why the fuss?"


At # Four is Madonna, I can still remember her humping the stage on Top of the Pops (chart music show) in the early 80's and wondering why everyone is going on about her unshaven armpits when she is clearly hot. After a while it turned out she only had one side to her so her films flopped but the music was massive and now at 49 she is working out too much spouting off crazy shit like Tom Cruise and dancing like shes 29, now she is most unsexy.

At # Three is Sandra Oh, I object at this entry because not only do her eyes not open fully but she doesn't put herself out there as a sexy creature she is the solid friend type. She may be a minger but she is likeable, stick that dopey bitch Paris Hilton in her place, that an unsexy built like a boy no talent/no personality hoorbag, Sandra Oh does not belong on this list.

At # Two is Amy Winehoose, if singing junkies with flat arses are yer thing then yay! but I really don't give a shit, its like Anna Nicole, you see the shit she gets up to and get sick of the over exposure and drama and think can we not just cut to the inevitable drug overdose?

At # One is Sarah Jessica Parker, it could have been any of the Sluts in the city but no its her, as with # two she has a long face a cow would be proud of. SJP hasn't looked attractive since LA Story . I feel validated by this list except for # three because you knew she was mutton not mutton dressed like lamb.

If she is having sex in the city I hope a paper bag is used.

This has been my shallow, judgmental post for the day, can anyone picture SJP and Ferris Bueller having sex ? I'm outta here before things get ugly, woops too late.

My Perfect Woman Smells A Bit.

Many weemen have asked me what my perfect woman was. I was always a little cagey with my reply so I wouldn't inadvertently lead them on, you know what weemen are like. So anyway me being the closest thing to God that any of you lot will ever see have made my own perfect woman out of some spare parts I had lying around. I call her Chesty La Rue.