The Vikings Made Us Fat

Everyone remembers where they were during key events that have happened in their lives, most remember where they were when they were married, arrested or when JFK was shot or when Princess Diana died .... she was lovely, wasn't she.

Do you remember what you were doing when the Vikings attacked the Island of Lindisfarne? The small island off the east coast of England was raided by Vikings on 8th June 793, this would have been their equivalent of 9/11 as this more or less began the Viking raids that would change the world of the Brits and Irish forever. 

There was only a big deal made out of it because it was written about and it was a fucking monastery, who would risk the wrath of God? ..... The Viking continued to raid Britain for the next few hundred odd years so it looks like God didn't give a fuck.

They even ended up ruling most of the North of England giving many of their words to our language today. The days of the week for instance, I'm surprised they weren't renamed in America during the 1950's when they were putting 'In God we trust' over everything . "Yeah we're calling Wednesday Jesusday and Thursday is um Petersday." Americans wouldn't have the word Gun if not for these Pagans of the North nor could they tell fags to go to Hell. 
Seriously all you gun loving tea baggers and Sarah Palin in particular, you had better come up with a better language cos yer all speaking in Pagan, maybe you should learn Arabic or something. You can't even take this man to be yer husband or the bull by the horns. You wouldn't have anger or be happy if it wasn't for the Norse but you could be bleh.   

The festival of the Old Knudsen horn which still continues today.  

Aye I've got Viking blood flowing through my veins and very often in my poop just as I have Celtic blood so yes, I am a very gentle, intellectual, teetotaler type in touch with his feelings, all those stories you've heard are lies made up by the Conservative media influenced by the 1% ..... the story about the midget duct taped to a sex swing is partly true, the charge was reduced to manslaughter, they never mention that part. 

The Vikings like most of the world back then took slaves, they traveled up and doon the great water ways of Europe. Russia gets it's name from the Rus people who were Norsemen who traded and raided taking Slavs as slaves as they did any other race. 

Back then a male slave would cost you 12 ounces of silver or 8 for a female ... hey don't judge. The uber educated ancient Greeks had slaves, as did the tribes of Africa and the Native Americans, things were just too hard back then. Imagine what life would be like without a remote control for yer telly, aye shivers doon yer spine, you'd be calling fore the return of slavery within a day. 

You can't even get a BJ doon at the docks for 12 ounces of silver these days. 

Why were the Vikings so successful? .... Good question, it was mostly to do with gym membership. The Vikings encouraged their people to join a gym followed by a sauna, so you'd have all these buff blokes and fit warrior weemen all with the roid rage.    

A typical Viking woman. 

Just the thought of all those hard sweaty bodies is enough to make yer average English person empty their bowels. Centuries of body shaming by the Norse has made us hide behind a bargain bucket of KFC while we wear our elasticated leisure suits. 

A Celtic warrior from the late Gaulish period.

The Celts would also use the psychological warfare method of being buff but they would charge naked at their enemy which might lead to nasty wounds such as in the above picture. Aye that foreskin will never grow back. 

Vikings totally didn't mind dying in battle, in fact it was like an achievement to give a good account of yerself and die killing the enemy so you could go to Valhalla and feast with the gods. 

You could compare that mindset with ISIS who also want to die for their god so they can get their 72 virgin goats. If anyone is worried about dying a virgin in case ISIS gets them in the after life just send Old Knudsen an e-mail and he'll sort you out .... I wouldn't call it a duty, more like a good service. 

Christians on the other hand don't really want to die which makes me think that they don't really believe all that shite they are told to believe in. Prove me wrong Christians, the next time you feel a lump or pass out don't go to a Doctor, that just shows a lack of faith but get yer kids treated cos they are given a pass until they become dumb adults. 

It's funny how generations can point to something like the assassination of MLK jr and say, "well that us blackies screwed, might as well stop trying to achieve equality and blame whitey instead"  or to 9/11 for fucking up air travel and immigration and causing those cuntries in the Middle East who are normally ever so peaceful to act like a Floridian on bath salts.  Lindisfarne was a game changer and even now the echos of that time and its influence can be still heard when someone calls you ugly.    

  

The Eight Witches Of Island Magee

A modern day Wiccan witch probably called Raven Morgan Le Fey Moonglow.

The Island Magee witches of 1711 are thought to have been the last witches to stand trial in Ireland.

In Ireland the only witches they had were butter witches, not because they were big meaty wagons (real witches have curves) but because they enjoyed stealing diary products. A way to rid yerself of a butter witch that milks yer cow on the sly is to boil some of that cow's milk with 9 pins in it and these cause the witch pain, she'll usually vow to leave yer cow alone if you take the pot off the boil.

The evil witches who possess people in the name of evil came over from Scotland with the Scottish settlers as witch hunting was very popular in Scotland and England.

Island Magee is still the arse end of nowhere full of suspicious Protestant types who see religion and flute bands as the thing that defines them as people .... not too deep or educated is what I'm getting at.

The story goes that a young lass named Mary Dunbar went to Island Magee from Belfast to keep her cousin Mrs James Haltridge company as her mother in-law had died under mysterious and probably supernatural circumstances.
Soon Miss Dunbar started issuing threats, shouting, swearing, blaspheming and throwing Bibles .... typical Belfast fishwife milly behaviour these days but then it was seen as demonic possession.

She'd go into a fit every time a clergyman came near her and vomited items such as pins, buttons, nails and glass .... again, things yer likely to find stuck in the batter of yer KFC but not so normal back then.
I go into a fit when some cunts knock me door and talk to me about Jesus ... you interrupted my wank for that? I also feel ill when someone puts god bothering shit up on Facebook.  

She had a vision of 8 weemen who came to her and attacked her in spectral form which was certainly to be seen as clear evidence of witchcraft. Unlike Old Knudsen's visions they were fully clothed and not making out.

So the authorities rounded up the usual suspects. These were women who may of had a "reputation" already. They were poor, some were disabled and some like a drink or two in public which was frowned upon. 30 weemen were taken to a blind folded Miss Dunbar and touched her, whoever gave Mary the willys was then obviously a witch.

 Merry meet! .... fuck off ya Wiccan tree hugger.

Janet Mean of Braid-island, Janet Latimer Irish-quarter, Carrickfergus, Janet Millar Scotch-quarter, Carrickfergus, Margaret Mitchel Kilroot, Catharine M'Calmond, Janet Liston, alias Seller, Elizabeth Seller, and Janet Carson from Island Magee.

The witch hunter, Mayor of Carrickfergus who ensured the proceedings took place was named Edward Clements .... an ancestor of Samuel Clements (Mark Twain).

It was said in defense of the women that they were sober, industrious people, who attended public worship. Mary Dunbarr couldn't give further evidence against them as the witches had struck her dumb ... those evil hoors!  

Judge Upton sentenced them guilty! They would spend a year in prison and would stand in the pillory four times in Carrickfergus. They means the stocks, they'd be pelted with rotten vegetables, sometimes so hard that one of the weemen had her eye knocked out.   

They weren't hanged or burned. In Scotland 3,800 witches had been brought to justice with 3/4 of them being strangled or burned to death, in England and Ireland they would have been hanged.

It was hardly ever men but if the Scots/Irish had a grudge with anyone (they always did) then witchcraft is a fine excuse, nowadays they'll point and yell Fenian bastard since Catholicism is the same as witchcraft in the small brain of the Ulster/Scot. 

Scots/Irish is the name everyone knows Protestant Northern Ireland people as, they rebranded themselves Ulster/Scot as they have issues about being Irish. 

The local authority of Larne has proposed placing a small plaque and plants in the area of the Gobbins Visitor Centre in Island Magee. A nice little memorial to mark the suffering of these women and all the others during the burning times.

 "Witches are a great concern for the degradation of society and probably climate change"

However TUV (a Unionist politician twat) Alderman Jack McKee has said that such a thing was anti-god and that he couldn't support it.

Mr McKee's faith is soo weak and unsure that some weemen accused of witchcraft in the 1700's might cause him to doubt himself ....  The Bible is full of bullshit? Why did I waste so much time on this, I'm free!

According to minutes of a council meeting in January, Mr McKee said he “could not tell whether or not the women had been rightly or wrongly convicted as he didn’t have the facts and was not going to support devil worship”.

So he doesn't have the facts and yet he's going to denounce them of devil worship, just to be on the safe side? This man is in local politics, people actually voted for this tool. Yes there was more devil worship back then you see, now we have camera phones and science which has kept Satan at bay.

He also doesn't have the facts as to why unicorns weren't on the Ark, maybe their horns were too dangerous in such cramped conditions, if only rubber tips had been invented back then. I suppose that God had a lot on his mind to think of everything.  

Chief executive Geraldine McGahey mentioned Martina Devlin’s book on the subject and how the women had been convicted “on what appeared to be very flimsy evidence” remember, it was based on a vision from an 18 year-old woman who was new to the area.

The statue of the sea god Manannán Mac Lir which did not become a shrine to pagans, in fact it was Christian cunts who took more of an interest when they stole it.

McKee claimed the plaque would become a “shrine to paganism” much like how churches are a shrine to Christians who were the ones doing the burning, hanging and strangling .... a nasty lot.  Pagans like trees an shit, not markers to some event that didn't even take place on that site.

Mr McKee, don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry .. you probably wouldn't like me anyway as I'd never vote for a moron like you, giving Larne a bad name by reminding everyone what a backwards hole it is.

Northern Ireland needs to cash in on more than The Troubles and yon ship that sunk, there weren't that many witch trials in Ireland hence all that shit came from the outsiders like the Scots and the English so embrace what we had, these were real people who suffered.

Mckee is a prime example of everything that is wrong with this place, old uneducated men at the top putting religion first and making policy based on that. They are always quick to be against something different as change and anything new scares them.

Do you really think they were witches Mr McKee? Be careful as there are witches here and if you get the attention of the wrong one then you might end up barfing pins.  
 

When Was Jesus Actually Born?

Jesus H Christ, not born of original sin but rather deity rape ... Odin and Zeus did that often too. 

 

The Belfast Telegraph posted a letter from a crazy fucking Bible thumper bloke in Bangor about when the birthday of Jesus really was. As I read what this crazy individual was saying I was glad that I wasn't a world leader in charge of nukes as Bangor certainly would have gotten one. He starts of his letter. 

CHRISTMAS seems to be assaulting the senses even earlier each year, as media outlets vie to promote the season as soon as the summer months begin to wane.

Yes assaulting the senses with yer fucking Gog bothering, that's because we don't know how to do Halloween properly. Kids going around houses usually have intimidation on their minds as they cover their faces with the hoods and masks they use for flegging when they brick the police.

I haven't seen any media outlets go on about it unless you count this crazy assed letter in the paper but then that would be a self fulfilling prophecy type thing. I WANT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT CHRISTMAS BEING TALKED ABOUT EARLIER AN EARLIER EVERY YEAR! 

We have Halloween and Christmas stuff on the shop shelves at the same time, look at the price of that, my senses are well assaulted. 

We also don't have Thanksgiving because we're a load of ungrateful fuckers, what is there to be thankful about? the government doesn't give me enough in benefits to keep me thankful all the time, I can usually only afford to be grateful a few times a week with a bottle of beat the wife and a bag of glue.
I'd be all for Thanksgiving if the Doctor would up me pain meds and stop holding back the good shit.


Christmas' or 'Christ's Mass' is the celebration of Christ's birth in the Western hemisphere, whereas the Eastern and Orthodox churches mark it on January 7. So who is correct?

Error in logic, why do you assume that either is correct? instead of saying So who is correct you should have said what the fuck? I think that Australia also celebrates it too, are they west or east?  

By the fourth century, the celebration by non-Jewish (or Gentile) Christians of the "Mass of Christ" to mark the birth of Jesus became the norm as the congregations became increasingly Gentile.

The norm?  In the 4th century the various sects didn't have a norm, they were getting their scripture from all over the place and as any history buff knows, a lot of Christianity has been stolen and changed from Pagan beliefs. The Roman Emperor Constantine the Great needed to unite all the churches in order to unify what was left of the Roman Empire so he got the various Christian leaders to agreed on what was the word of God .... what was holy canon.

He got these holy men (cos women get a say in fuck all) together at the Council of Nicaea, they weren't doing it for their own good, he paid them and they all voted on what words came from God and what didn't. A lot of stuff got left out, does that mean then that Christians don't have all the words of God and so are wrong? ... looks that way.

The norm you say?  

 Just like my hoose at Christmas. 

This distanced the church from Jewish teaching and the significance of the biblical feasts that Jesus celebrated. One such is the Feast of Tabernacles. This recalls the exodus of the Israelites as they made their way from Egypt into the Promised Land and lived for 40 years in makeshift dwellings.
When this celebration falls in September/October, Jewish homes around the world are decorated much in the way Christians decorate their homes for Christmas.

Well the Romans who ran the show were Pagan but Christians were gaining ground as it was easy to incorporate Pagan celebrations into Christianity so it wasn't a big stretch. Judaism was and still is a tight knit selective club to get into and if you liked having yer foreskin then it must have seemed quite weird.
I agree with some of this bit but it had more to do with Pagan celebrations that focused around nature.

Greek culture was horrified that anyone namely the Colchians, Ethiopians, Phoenicians, Syrians, and Macrones, as well as Egyptian priesthood would circumcise themselves and put it down to primitiveness, barbarity, backwardness, superstition, and oppression ...  when they are right they are right.
The Romans didn't like it either and if a slave owner got circumcised and had his slaves done also he'd be sent to an island in exile and all his land and property taken. Looks like Christianity was just a more um civilised form of Judaism, sort of the anti-Judaism as not everyone can be into that shit and the Romans didn't really like the Jews much as they could never really control them.  

Like voting UKIP, Christianity was a protest vote.

Genital mutilation is serious shit and any God that wants my willy skin can fuck off.

4th century Jews had tinsel cos they ruled the world.

Yes the Jews do put up decoration but you want to compare it to Christmas decorations? Most of our ideas for Christmas decoration came from the Pagan Germans. The Jews (out in the desert) set up a makeshift shack and hung some gourds up so they could party .... no evergreen pine trees there.  They celebrate several things like the coming out of the desert after 40 years (still don't know why they wandered for 40 years, people usually call that being a nomad) they also celebrate the harvest just like everyone did back then as the harvest kept them alive during the winter months it wasn't just a cute pumpkin fest. They also put in the end of the Torah reading cycle and this Feast of Tabernacles would last for 8 days or 9 days, something like that which our friend from Bangor didn't mention.     
 
From my own studies, I believe Yeshua (Jesus) was born on the first day of Tabernacles. Tabernacles this year begins on '15th Tishrei'. This means Yeshua's birthday fell yesterday, Thursday, October 9.
COLIN NEVIN

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Bangor, Co Down

 Emperor Constantine had a dream.

Yer own studies seem to have missed quite a bit, this was sent in by letter, do you even have the Internet? We'll soon see as I bet he Googles himself, seems the type.

Yet again must I say how Jesus' birthday was decided because it's the winter solstice. It was decided to offset the celebrations of  Saturnalia and Natalis Invicti which were Pagan celebrations because guiding Pagans to Christianity is easier than guiding Jews.

It's the rebirth of the sun God not the birth of the son of God, now Mr Nevin which one sounds more feasible? The whole, 'well the Jews put up decorations' is a bit of a stretch .

So if you go for the 25 DEC then Jesus was a Capricorn which made him a hard worker, generous with his time and money but a bit of an elitist and a control freak, that sounds right. Being on the cusp of Sagittarius he could swing from  extreme optimism to dull despondency and since he hasn't returned to Earth after promising to do so he probably has that Sagittarius love of procrastination .

On 9th OCT he'd be Libra which would make him a real people person who likes the surprises that life throws at him  .... surprise! the Jews don't like you and got the Romans to torture you to death and yer holy rapist Da let them, hope you liked that one.

Like Joan of Arc I think if Jesus did exist he'd have mental issues, yes my dad is up there on a cloud judging you. 

Emperor Constantine decided not to persecute Christians the way his father had as it didn't work so he embraced them. Christianity seems to be what kept him in power and dreaming that a slant cross painted on armour and shields that could make him victorious in battle is a good story and he tells it well. Signs for protection, so very Pagan.

So this Pagan Roman Emperor commissioned Christians to come up with the word of God and then used that as his brand, he even converted to show he had brand loyalty. There is nothing in the Bible that says when Jesus was born, from 200 AD onwards it's been celebrated in January, April and May, the latter having been confused with God's gift to weemen .... Old Knudsen.

If you do yer own studies into it then you've probably got too much time on yer hands, when was Santa's birthday ? What about King Arthur, Robin Hood, King Kong or Sherlock Holmes .... did they have birthdays too?

I won't argue which date it is since that would be stupid, I'd look like a right Nevin but what kind of cunt would you be if you told yer kids no presents for Christmas as it's the wrong date (in my drug addled mind) and seriously Christmas is about buying people shit they don't want and to assault yer senses with drink.