World Profile #3: Scandinavia

 

Scandinavia is an area made up of the three nations of Norway, Sweden and Denmark though through historical links Finland, Iceland and the Faroe islands are also Scandinavian. A common Germanic heritage all the Scandinavian languages are intelligible to each other with Danish being closer to Norwegian. When the Danes conquered most of soft England they introduced many of their words into the English language. It's funny because while we use the word berserk, meaning to go crazy the Norwegians will use the name Texas to mean something crazy or out of control, that sounds so Florida. I knew this bloke who was really Detroit in the head.
Language is forever changing and evolving in 100 years who knows, money might be replaced by a system of credits called the fuck, then you might not have any fucks to give. "Give me all yer fucks or I'll cut you." 

With the exception of the Sami people and Syrian refugees, most Scandinavians are tall blonde people who may or may not be golden gods. For cuntries that are covered in snow for most of the year they think nothing of having bikini teams ... bless them.

Scandinavian cuntries don't really have tourist sites, their idea of tourists are that only the fittest can survive or you don't get to see their stunning Fjords. Real climates and environments that can kill weeds out the fat soft American who only came because their surname sounds Viking, "you mean we have to walk there?"
 
You walk around a Scandinavian cuntry you can see who buys all of that hiking and skiing gear that Lidl always has. There are more fleece jackets in Sweden and Norway than the whole rest of the werld. Five feet of snow would have most cuntries declaring emergency, there they just put on some crampons, get their ice pick and go to werk.   

Scandinavian cuisine still harks back to the time of the Vikings in which food had to be cured and stored and all the animal was used. Baby goat eyeballs marinated in a sheep lips and arse sauce and urinated on by an old seaman is a Scandinavian delicacy. Horse baby batter soup is another fav ..... that also contains urinate and sometimes nuts, no not those kind of nuts.

It is difficult for an outsider to tell the sex of a fully clothed Scandinavian which is why the men grow facial hair and the women have long hair. Either one could use a sickly weedy Brit like a toothpick but luckily the Scandinavians are all so laid back. They got all their aggression out during the Viking times and now just kick back with saunas, Volvos and swingers parties.

 
Will they have sex with you? ..... sure they will, it's no big deal to them, it's us that have the hang ups. They only really wear clothes when it drops below minus 10 or when some new trekking gear becomes fashionable.

Who can forget Justin Bieber's Danish wake up call when he was touring there, I bet he remembers. Now he tours there 3 times a year.

The Scandinavian men are exactly like they are in the Viking movies .... except they didn't have 2 horns on their hats, that's soo silly.
If these cuntries had to go to war they would slay all round them ... with swords but luckily they are all relaxed with their IKEA furniture and socialist ideas that doesn't pollute the environment, doesn't make the 1% a ruling elite and looks after all their people very well, if you can take the boredom. Socialist cuntries rate lowest in ambition and creativity but guarantee you healthcare, education and 3 hots and a cot .... so fucking civilised. 

So yeah, Scandinavian cuntries with their northern lights and beautiful but bleak scenery are one big happy socialist love in, yep they're getting all the sex but hey at least I can mostly guarantee that my food is piss free.      

The Vikings Made Us Fat

Everyone remembers where they were during key events that have happened in their lives, most remember where they were when they were married, arrested or when JFK was shot or when Princess Diana died .... she was lovely, wasn't she.

Do you remember what you were doing when the Vikings attacked the Island of Lindisfarne? The small island off the east coast of England was raided by Vikings on 8th June 793, this would have been their equivalent of 9/11 as this more or less began the Viking raids that would change the world of the Brits and Irish forever. 

There was only a big deal made out of it because it was written about and it was a fucking monastery, who would risk the wrath of God? ..... The Viking continued to raid Britain for the next few hundred odd years so it looks like God didn't give a fuck.

They even ended up ruling most of the North of England giving many of their words to our language today. The days of the week for instance, I'm surprised they weren't renamed in America during the 1950's when they were putting 'In God we trust' over everything . "Yeah we're calling Wednesday Jesusday and Thursday is um Petersday." Americans wouldn't have the word Gun if not for these Pagans of the North nor could they tell fags to go to Hell. 
Seriously all you gun loving tea baggers and Sarah Palin in particular, you had better come up with a better language cos yer all speaking in Pagan, maybe you should learn Arabic or something. You can't even take this man to be yer husband or the bull by the horns. You wouldn't have anger or be happy if it wasn't for the Norse but you could be bleh.   

The festival of the Old Knudsen horn which still continues today.  

Aye I've got Viking blood flowing through my veins and very often in my poop just as I have Celtic blood so yes, I am a very gentle, intellectual, teetotaler type in touch with his feelings, all those stories you've heard are lies made up by the Conservative media influenced by the 1% ..... the story about the midget duct taped to a sex swing is partly true, the charge was reduced to manslaughter, they never mention that part. 

The Vikings like most of the world back then took slaves, they traveled up and doon the great water ways of Europe. Russia gets it's name from the Rus people who were Norsemen who traded and raided taking Slavs as slaves as they did any other race. 

Back then a male slave would cost you 12 ounces of silver or 8 for a female ... hey don't judge. The uber educated ancient Greeks had slaves, as did the tribes of Africa and the Native Americans, things were just too hard back then. Imagine what life would be like without a remote control for yer telly, aye shivers doon yer spine, you'd be calling fore the return of slavery within a day. 

You can't even get a BJ doon at the docks for 12 ounces of silver these days. 

Why were the Vikings so successful? .... Good question, it was mostly to do with gym membership. The Vikings encouraged their people to join a gym followed by a sauna, so you'd have all these buff blokes and fit warrior weemen all with the roid rage.    

A typical Viking woman. 

Just the thought of all those hard sweaty bodies is enough to make yer average English person empty their bowels. Centuries of body shaming by the Norse has made us hide behind a bargain bucket of KFC while we wear our elasticated leisure suits. 

A Celtic warrior from the late Gaulish period.

The Celts would also use the psychological warfare method of being buff but they would charge naked at their enemy which might lead to nasty wounds such as in the above picture. Aye that foreskin will never grow back. 

Vikings totally didn't mind dying in battle, in fact it was like an achievement to give a good account of yerself and die killing the enemy so you could go to Valhalla and feast with the gods. 

You could compare that mindset with ISIS who also want to die for their god so they can get their 72 virgin goats. If anyone is worried about dying a virgin in case ISIS gets them in the after life just send Old Knudsen an e-mail and he'll sort you out .... I wouldn't call it a duty, more like a good service. 

Christians on the other hand don't really want to die which makes me think that they don't really believe all that shite they are told to believe in. Prove me wrong Christians, the next time you feel a lump or pass out don't go to a Doctor, that just shows a lack of faith but get yer kids treated cos they are given a pass until they become dumb adults. 

It's funny how generations can point to something like the assassination of MLK jr and say, "well that us blackies screwed, might as well stop trying to achieve equality and blame whitey instead"  or to 9/11 for fucking up air travel and immigration and causing those cuntries in the Middle East who are normally ever so peaceful to act like a Floridian on bath salts.  Lindisfarne was a game changer and even now the echos of that time and its influence can be still heard when someone calls you ugly.