David Cameron Wants You To Have A Good Life ... And A Pony

As the election for the ruling party looms in the UK we see David Cameron of the Conservative party making new promises and saying things out of character everyday. It worked as a last ditch effort to keep Scotland a part of the UK, promise them home rule and never deliver on it ... stoopid Jocks, aye the Sassenachs totally underestimate the Scottish ability to never forget an insult even if it takes 40 years to screw you over we'll wait, cos it will be epic. 

He has already promised £8 billion for the NHS ... if elected again. Also no tax on the minimum wage, free childcare for 3-4 year olds up to 30 hours a week, building more social houses and giving the tenants the opportunity to buy, rail fare freezes, homes worth up to £1m to be exempt from inheritance tax, look under yer seats for free ponies for everyone, you get a pony and you get a pony.

During this time of enforced austerity he's promising £21bn of giveaways.

He's been Prime Minister since 2010, why has he not done all this or even looked like he wanted to in all that time? Where will all this money come from? They must be selling more surface to air missiles to Bahrain or Saudi Arabia or maybe they finally broke the North Korean market and are selling arms to Kim. 
He recently said, "It's time that Britain had a pay rise" but of course he didn't mean nurses or teachers.

At least Ukip's  (Conservative heavy as opposed to lite) plan to drive out the immigrants and build a wall around Britain will only cost us £10 bn which is money worth paying if you like inbreeding and warm flat ale cos all that diversity shit isn't British enough.

 On their way home from school.

David Cameron: 'George we need to make the people like us, how can we be tough like Ukip but keep the immigrant vote and not have Scotland rebel again?' 

George Osbourne: 'You're good at making promises you don't keep, do that? You said you'd love me forever and yet you still haven't left your wife.'

David Cameron: 'You know she means nothing to me. We need promises and a catchy slogan, remember Inner city the American house/techno group from the 90's who had that hit Good life? if we say that we want people to have a good life then people will get that song as an ear worm .... can we use it for the campaign?' 

George Osbourne: 'I'll check if they are on the list of artists that have told us to fuck off.'

   

Love is shining, life is thriving in the good life good life ..... Good life good life good life good life
in the good life...... good life.





To those who know the song .... I'm so so sorry for the ear worm, for those who don't ... don't click the link, the song is a musical STD and will cling to you and eat away yer brain. Old Knudsen doesn't know the Lyrics but the repetition of the werds good life does his hed in. Blame Cameron, he said those werds. 

Oxford University Can Lick My Star

Alastair Herron an 18 year-old lad from Bangor, Northern Ireland. He got seven A* grades in his A-Level exams. I don't know anything about no exams but I hear that is an excellent result.

So why was he then rejected by Oxford?

He has been studying the likes of biology, chemistry, physics, maths, further maths, Latin and Greek. Aye this lad may find a cure for yer stupidity some day.

In fact because he lives in the arsehole of nowhere known as Northern Ireland he couldn't find someone to teach him Greek, the wee swot had to teach himself Greek... WTF!!!  

Do ya think a skinny wee lad from Bangor would fit in at Oxford? Oh look, George Osborne looking lost as usual. 

Was he not good enough for Oxford? I'm sure being from Northern Ireland had nothing to do with it. Oh no the snooty English wouldn't have turned him doon just for being *Irish*, he even has a snooty name that would fit in well there.  

We all know how much the English love the people of Northern Ireland, "you want to be British? well you'll never be good enough to be English so fuck off Paddy."

So young Al was given a $64,000 scholarship to attend California's Stanford University, USA fuck yeah!

He'll get better teaching and experience opportunities, not held back by a class system in which the inbred morons float to the top.
When the Americans call him Irish it will be out of admiration not with an English sneer, meant as an insult.
He'll no doubt get offered a job after college and will become American someday ... he has it made.

Because everyone except the English and fleggers love the Irish he'll even lose his virginity .... big time. "Oh I love your accent" says the hot chick out of his league but gagging for it because hes Irish.
Yes, even he can get laid there. 

When I hear that all the brains and professional people are leaving the UK to live and work in the US I'll remember young whats his name and say, "well what do you fucking well expect you idiots?"

Old Knudsen is glad hes getting out of this shit hole as he'll do so much better over there.

This lad is someone you'd save a seat on the shuttle for if you had to pick a handful of humans to survive after the earth blows up .... and Oxford didn't want him.  




*Even if you are British the English will still call you Irish as that is how they think of us*

I Want To Be Popular

George Osborne is a British Conservative politician. He is the Chancellor of the Exchequer and Second Lord of the Treasury .... the guy who does the budget for the nation. An English toff with Irish roots as he is the heir to two estates there .... to be sure.

How does a man with a personal fortune of around £4 million make himself popular to the public? Future votes and possible Tory leadership depends on it. 

With no previous experience of economics he holds the purse strings of the UK, cutting welfare programs and spending yet giving the Queen a £5 million pay rise, he has a difficult position to make himself more appealing to the average Mirror or Daily Mail reader.

So what do you do?

You eat commoner food .... um don't you want some brown sass on that?

You drink cups of tea with the lads. Corr the office sure was hot today, the gravy was pouring off me as I was cutting the disability allowance.

 Read to some children, it worked well for George Bush.

Meet some war heroes, hope they don't mention the lack of help their families get from the government .... sooo boring.

Just by jogging you are saying that yer better than the rest of us you fucking cunt! We only wear tracksuits, we don't fucking run ..... unless the peelers are chasing us.  Tracksuits are also handy if yer fat, have no self respect and want easy access for a spot of rape.

Tweet a picture of you eating a burger and chips thats fucking common isn't it? Except it was a
£10 burger because as you stated "McDonald's doesn't deliver" Aye it's called the drive thru ya baw beg.
Ok I'll give you this one .... no wait, I don't see any ketchup. For fucks sake George you had one job to do, just like yon pasty you don't have any sasses with it. If you want to be like common people and what to do whatever common people do then use condom-mints like brown sass, red sass and vinegar .... also remember to heap the salt on.

Bollocks! they forgot my side order of caviar , this isn't fair.



Update: Osborne's comment "McDonald's doesn't deliver" was good, except that the gourmet restaurant Byron doesn't deliver either, does he know where his food even comes from?  I bet it's like Pinkdot in LA in which he uses a courier service and Osborne is just too out of touch to know this.