Who Are You?

Here is where it all happens, my bedroom where I blog from. I had a few young friends over for an introduction into the effects of alcohol, I think it went well.

One of my readers says:

Dear Old Knudsen

I have suspicions that you are not who you say you are and have been deceiving us all this time. If you are indeed Old Knudsen the popular, wise and witty sea salt you claim to be then tell us about your home of Killamory a place I have been unable to find on any map.

spacemonkeygirl@hotmail.com


My fine woman (or space monkey gurl) just look at my profile and see the honesty in my eyes.

Killamory is one of Scotland's best kept secrets, situated at the mouth of Lough Killamory. Its long sandy beaches lead up the heather strewn slopes of Scat hill to the 12th century ruins of castle Klute. A thriving little town with 25 pubs and 18 churches (protestant churches) nearby RAF Newton is where 2 alien space craft that crashed in 1953 are being hoosed . Hippies and nutjobs from all over cum up to see strange lights in the sky (we call them stars and aeroplanes) Killamory is my sweet home and if I ever had to leave I'd shed tears of blood as my grief would be so great, ach I don't want to think about such things.

When me and the lads go for a swally doon the pub we like to sing all 12 verses of "My sweet Killamory." I tried to sing it all here but I can only remember the words when I'm paralytic.

My Sweet Killamory

My face it was glassed and I was kicked in the ass but I'm having fun can't ya see lad ?

You go home to yer wife watch she doesn't have a knife or you'll be singing like a Falsetto.

The old cock crows with a joy to be alive in the land where the sweet heather thrives.
Oh my lass thought it nice when I slipped it in twice on the shores of the Killamory.

There was johnny McTay, we all thought he was ghey so we'd beat him and call him a nancy.Now he moved way doon south and he fucks in the mouth any female that takes his fancy.

The old sheep baa's with a joy to be alive in the land where the sweet heather thrives.Oh my lass thought it nice when I slipped it in twice on the shores of the Killamory.

Killamory is the place, to be a fucking disgrace, be a brabbler a drunk or a junkie.The air is almost clean, theres a lively disco scene, and the brothel is a tied up donkey.

The old dog barks with a joy to be alive in the land where the sweet heather thrives.Oh my lass thought it nice when I slipped it in twice on the shores of the Killamory.

I knew wee Mary Haig, such a bitter old taig, and she wouldn't renege her ways .But I hoped at the chance for a little romance, so I put up with passion plays.

The old man sings with a joy to be alive in the land where the sweet heather thrives.Oh my lass thought it nice when I slipped it in twice on the shores of the Killamory.

So Space monkey gurl who could make up shit like this? anything else you want to know just ask and give me a few minutes to cum up with an answer.

Fuck I hate stereotypes, it makes me so mad I want to glass the fuckers in the face and ge them a Glasgow smile.

For you to get to know Old Knudsen better he is:

* Cruel one minute and loving the next I'm as changeable as the sea.
* People think he is all seeing but really you are only seeing yer own guilt, shame on you.
* I'm not omnipotent well not as long as I have Viagra .I'm not 15 different people with proxy servers I'm not Horny Gurl 15 on My Space or Toffington the Earl of Twat on Blogger no matter how similar my writing styles are to them.
* I don't have all the answers but I can tell you what yer fucking problem is.
* Most of all I don't care and everything isn't about "you" nope its about me.

No wait a minute I do believe I just described God. So that means Old Knudsen is God, bet ya didn't see that coming I know I didn't. I'm not perfect you know but I'm pretty fucking close to it.

Bow doon you plebs, oh I need one of yous to build an ark, a nice big one with a shrubbery. Did I say ark? sorry I meant park, the drug dealers and their junkies need a place to hang out.

I know this to be true, for I am that old man.

We've Got Bunk Beds And You're On Top.

Are you ready for yer initiation into the Foot Eater school for wayward young men?

Ya know what spoils my day? when I break an egg into the frying pan for a fry up and the yoke breaks, that's the best bit of the egg I like it runny so I can dip my potato farl into it, FUCK! that really does spoil my day , you just know everything after that will just be all bad, its God giving you the heads up, so I break open another egg until I get my two yokes. Last week was great, I got a box of eggs that all had double yokes. What has this got to do with anything? I don't know I was just sharing. Now you know all about me and I know nothing about yous, so what do my readers have for breakfast?
I'm sure Dive has a croissant as he is so 'European', did ya catch the way I spat out the word European? we British humour the world when they call us European but they can go and fuck off, its just a passive aggressive way to conquer us .

I'll tell ya what else bothers me, when ya go for a piss and you're standing there with yer lad pointing at the porcelain and suddenly yer piss shoots out to the right, totally flying over the rim and hitting the floor, this occurs commonly when you have had sex and maybe you still have some man muck in yer pipe blocking the way but I cannot see the reason for it any other time, its not funny I live alone I don't have a maid to clean it up so it has to lie there until it dries up, that explains the rhyming slang for having a piss as 'hit and miss'.

While we're on the subject you may have heard of the term 'slash and burn' its a farming method to clear the land that's overgrown with weeds. I was thinking that its the perfect description of having a piss (sometimes called a slash) when you have VD, these things just pop into my head and God gave me a Blog to spread the word.

While I'm on the subject and just chewing the fat with ya today do ya ever go to the record shop to buy the latest Bing Crosby LP and find that even though you paid way too much for it you don't even have the lyrics printed out inside for you to sing along too, fuck I hate that, I curse the artist for not thinking about their fans and just out to make money, never mind the Fair fucking trade website I want lyrics to find out what the hell you are mumbling so I can mumble too, try and sing along to Dylan or Springsteen why don't ya.

The picture I've put up is an ad for the North American Man Boy Love Association, or its an ad for long johns, why are these two men who are in their late 30's to early 40's standing around in their underwear in a log cabin, no doubt miles from anywhere encroaching on the personal space of a young 14 year old boy and all are laughing?
The boy's smile is not so sincere as he suspects something may be amiss (no misses to be seen) hes reaching into his backpack hopefully to pull out a knife or a tube of lube, I wonder if these long johns have the rear panels that open up.

Cats are incredible, so many uses for the wee things and theres so many about. I got a new leg from the NHS. I actually wanted a sauntering leg but all they had left was a jogging leg and its powered by a cat, they only last a week though, if you could get a rechargeable cat that would be purrfect but I've found that once I remove the dud cat I can use my leg as an ambling leg. Its not as good as my wooden leg to beat people with but like this blog you get what you pay for.


A question I keep asking myself over and over again,"why can't we all just get a lawn?".