Taken Movie To Be Shot In Belfast

Shakespeare isn't Shakespeare unless you spit on yer fellow actors.

Sir Kenneth Branagh was talking about how he wouldn't mind shooting a movie in Belfast because we have a flourishing movie industry here with tax breaks and who needs nice scenery when you have CGI right?

Game of Thrones, The Fall, Dracula untold and many more were made here. Branagh who got fame (or at least noticed) for his Billy plays trilogy set during the Northern Ireland Troubles and used the exterior streets scenes on the very streets that us Knudsen's lived on has done alright for himself.  

He directed Thor and didn't fuck it up so yeah I'll let him make a wee movie here but it isn't him that we really want it's Liam Neeson. Quit wasting time with Ballymena, yer flogging a dead sheep with that coke hole in the Bible belt.  

Do you know who has it? Is it the pikeys at number 27? 

We want a Taken movie shot here, not ghey Shakespeare shite. Wot an over rated writer he was. Shakespeare would fail in the cut throat werld of blogging today. 

Yes I know that blogging is so 10 years ago but do I care? My werds of wisdom and warnings about Lemurs will infect cyberspace for thousands of years, I am the Chernobyl of the Interwebs. Read me and feel yer mental health degrading as you become enlightened like wot I am. Sanity is for the weak, the universe thrives on chaos. Tune into the truth and wake up sheeple!

 I just got it because my old one had cracked and was meaning to put the numbers on it for fucks sake, just don't fill it without putting a wheelie bin liner in it ... please.

Liam Neeson plays Bryan Mills, a former government operative ..... aye he werked as a health and safety inspector on the edge .... an unsafe edge that someone could trip on. 

After years of ensuring that paving was level and fire exits were clear he just wanted the quiet life in the BT 9 part of Belfast surrounded by middle and upper class professional types.  

He noticed his old wheelie bin had a crack down it, plastic degrades over time and this tends to happen. He had always been careful that no hot ashes were put in his bin and even had it sprayed out once a fortnight but still, bad things happen to good people. Crack is whack.

He paid for a replacement and gleefully filled it with trash, feeling young again enjoying that plastic out gassing smell, he could tell his new bin hadn't been in council storage for that long.

Though many flouted the law and put their bins out the night before, Mills and his H&S discipline always got up early to put his bin out at the proper time. 

How do they have 5 fucken bins? 

He surveyed the street, bins at kirbs but not blocking path access with the handles facing the road, how considerate. He smiled and put his bin out. Then he looked towards number 27. Five bins that were over flowing. That family had 6 children and loud parties that went on into the wee hours. He had often bought a burner phone to complain about them from a safe location. 

How the fuck do they get their bins emptied? Not being able to close the lids is in direct contradiction to the wheelie bin accord of 2004. Trouble making fuckers have the council turning a blind eye to them. 

He snapped a picture with his phone intent on writing a strongly worded e-mail later. This corruption will be dealt with.

Mills went to the Spring Continental Market at the city hall with a lady friend from his book club and enjoyed some Belgium chocolate and some pastries he didn't care for but ate them anyways. 

He picked up some stick on numbers at Poundland and headed home with a spring in his step. Yeah the bin men had been but where was his bin? He walked to a group of bins not yet taken in, he shook his head that the bin men would just leave a clutter of bins in one place rather than at the gates of each house but where was his? 

His trained H&S gaze saw a pothole in the road, a recycling box still left out since last week and did the curtains twitch at number 27? Those people didn't even have vertical blinds, who could live like that? 

Panic set in he couldn't even look into most of the gardens as they had high fences ... what could he do? 

I bet they knew it was him that called about their parties. He had stones thrown at his windows after telling one of their children to get out of his garden, was this revenge? 

 Many famous people have been conceived over a wheelie bin. Osama bin laden for example.

Now that's the kind of movie I would pay to go and see. I hope Neeson or some Hollywood (not Holywood county Down) director is reading this. I could knock up a screenplay in about a day .... since screenplays aren't real writing, lets all just admit that to ourselves. 

You could call it Taken: So it was or Taken: For fecks sake. 

You could go for the whole environmental angle and make it a recycling bin. I see car chases, explosions and the real issues that effect our everyday life ..... exploding wheelie bin chases, I think I just got hard. 

Lets crowd fund it, I have a particular skill set so send me money .... and titty pics of course, duh!     

 

James Nesbitt Has The Luck O The Orish

The people of Northern Ireland don't speak proper. An education more interested in you remembering all the fairy tales of the Bible than talking good like the Queen does. There was a good reason that regional dialects were kept off the telly for decades.

You know us Norn Irish people, always ready to scream "racism!" when presenter Christine Bleakley isn't offered a job in England or gets subtitles ... aye, we're the fucken Paddy race and we'll cut ya. The Scots are a diluted version of us so if you picture an island full of Glaswegians .... you get the idea. 

James Nesbitt, a son of Old Knudsen's Ballymena where that other legend Liam Neeson was born stars in a show called Stan Lee's Lucky Man.  I don't know what Stan Lee has to do with it besides being an attention hoor in the title.
A Ballymena detective on the edge, living in London has a gambling addiction which ruined his marriage. He's also a bit of a dick so no stretch in acting for Nesbitt. He is given a magic bracklet that he can't get rid of and it brings him amazing good luck .... oh no, I'm doomed to keep winning the lottery.

I'm sexy for the UK ... just not enough for the US though. 

Why do they never play the lotto? The time traveler's wife, in that they did the lottery, instead Nesbitt bets on dog racing ... well I did say he was a dick, dicks like dog racing.

Most people are concerned about whether he is wearing a wig or has hair plugs but Old Knudsen's shoulders go up every time he speaks.
That's the US market out, they'll never be able to understand him. Old Knudsen had to clean up his own accent and slow down for the Yanks to understand him and even then if they just didn't expect an accent there would be a blank look. Americans go straight into condition black with that thousand yard stare when faced with something they don't expect. "Killer pads? why the fuck would I want killer pads which don't even exist? I'm in the air conditioning section of Ace hardware, maybe I'm looking for cooler pads ... oh for fucks sake, I'll do a mime."


Old Knudsen has long shed his Ballymena accent (on purpose) but will still speak fast when annoyed. My accent has been described as lilting ... so fuck yous.

Nesbitt lays it on thick, "c'mon big fella" he says to a card dealer in the first 5 minutes. He looks for the murderer of a Chinese fella named Lau. You may pronounce Lau with ow! when you hit yer thumb but with an 'L' at the front, Nesbitt goes around talking about Loy .... similar to the end of 'alloy.'

Remember the scene in Inglorious basterds when Landa was getting them to re-pronounce the Italian werds they were brutalizing, why don't people correct Nesbitt? C'mon people, lets show some real English/Paddy hatred going on here. "Fucken Paddy, cumming over here taking our jobs when e don't speak good like wot we do innit .... guvnor, cor blimey."   

Maybe it's the luck of the Irish .... the whole show is racist! By having a Paddy as the lucky man they are slyly giving credence to the luck of the Irish which started as a derogatory term to explain Irish success because it couldn't have been down to hard werk cos they are always drunk and fighting so it must be luck. 

 Preforming 'Three men and a lamb' at the The Braid Arts Centre in Ballymena

Liam Neeson, one of Old Knudsen's people I know with money close friends has got several werds written into his contract that he refuses to say on screen. He also refuses to suck cock ... on screen that is. 

The werds he won't say are:

Ferry or even Fairy .... what you'll get out of him are Furry, which is about animals having anthropomorphic attributes like walking upright and speaking. The expression "It would skin a fairy" meaning yes, it is rather cold today can be mistaken as being anti-furry as skinning one on a cold day would be quite harsh. 

Shower and combined with power shower is a disaster. You'd get purr shurr or something similar, a very difficult concept to mime yer way out of.  
  
If you are concerned for the poor this may also sound like purr. 

Neeson never orders a Latte or he'd be saying lattie. 

A Buffet could become an all you can eat buffy, which is great if yer a vampire slayer. 

There is a fella on Russian Toady Russian Today (RT) and he keeps going on about news updates on the ourr .... c'mon people, a little bit of effort, would someone please tell these yokels they aren't talking in English.    

Luckily Neeson and Nesbitt were raised sheep shagging cuntry bumpkins and didn't have the Belfast accent to deal with (another dialect Old Knudsen avoided) as then things like Top, Shop, and Box all become Tap, Shap, and Bax.  Yes it was funny when Top Shop opened in Belfast.  




   

Liam Neeson Visits Ballymena

Liam Neeson has agreed to do a film promoting his birth town of Ballymena. Recently he was awarded the freedom of Ballymena which means he is allowed to enter any homes in the town and watch you sleep and maybe eat from yer fridge depending what you have.

Here he is at the beautiful Slemish mountain (490 foot high ... wow!) it's the plug of some extinct volcano. It is where the St Patrick after being captured as a slave was forced to tend sheep before doing what Neeson himself did and escaped the fuck out of there. On a clear day from the top of Slemish you can just about make out Big Ben in London and the London eye if your eyesight is really good. To the east you can see the Mull of Kintyre which was the castle that Rob Roy MacGregor lived in.

Beautiful Fairhill shopping centre. If you can find (not free) parking after being trapped in the town's one way system then come here. Shop at the 50 stylish shops you can find in Belfast or Abbeycentre (a very tiny and lame mall) and marvel at how the main doors open and close as if they know you want to go in or out .... you may have to push past the locals who find this phenomenon amazing. If you stop in for a latte, make sure you pronounce it properly as latty as the Ballymena baristi tend to be uber snooty about coffee matters.    

Remember you are in the Bible belt so heads and arms need to be covered. I almost played Ballymena's moral compass the Reverend Ian Paisley once but they wouldn't let me hold a gun in the movie poster so I said "NO!" .... but not like he did cos I can't do voices.

Visit St Patrick's army barracks .... sure it's closed now and they are turning it into housing but still. It's beside the two high schools .... which are also closed. Oh, it's near the leisure centre, I remember running home after a good swim when I was young. I ran because the Protestant fuckers chased me to beat me up which is why I learned to box  .... ah, good times.

Enjoy our famous Michelin factory, that has now closed down.   

Marvel at Gallaghers cigarette factory, that has now closed down too.

Our beautiful Wrightbus factory is still open, though it did lose out on a major contract to a Belgium firm ... we didn't take that well.

Having the key to the town city means I can cum and plough your field, whether you like it or not.

One thing Ballymena has a great supply of is coke, just ask anyone for some, we have an annual snort the charlie off a wheelie bin festival.

To save the best for last they say that blondes have more fun.With a ratio of 10 sheep to 1 man you know we have fun here.
You won't see many women in Ballymena but that's because they often tend to look manly, I blame the the chemicals that run off from the farms into our main fishing river.   

Ballymena people are known for their friendliness, unless you are a stranger, soldier or a Fenian like me. Don't look them in the eyes and most of all enjoy Ballymena .... *the city of the seven towers.*


*It's just a name, no towers and it's just a town*    

    

Neeson Opens Fire On Gun Violence

When actors go off script you suddenly remember that they are people just like you and me ... well more like you than me cos yer a cunt while I'm fucking gleaming.

Liam Neeson, or Lame to his friends was asked a question in relation to the Charlie Hebdo shootings in Paris. He replied by saying, "There's just too many... guns out there"  yes Lame there are, also too many Pokemon, how is anyone ever expected to catch them all?

"I think the population is like, 320 million? There's over 300 million guns. Privately owned, in America. I think it's a disgrace. Every week now we're picking up a newspaper and seeing, 'Yet another few kids have been killed in schools' then talking about his Taken 3 character "A character like Bryan Mills going out with guns and taking revenge: it's fantasy." 

Well except when people actually do go out with guns to take revenge.

I have no idea why he started ranting on about the US when asked about Charlie Hebdo, from Ballymena ya know so not too bright, maybe high on the drugs. He isn't the first actor to make their millions blowing away bad guys on screen and then complain about gun violence.
Taken 1, 2 and 3, The A-Team, Non-Stop, A walk among the tombstones all have him totting a gun while others like Krull, Excalibur, Gangs of New York, Kingdom of Heaven, Rob Roy, Star Wars and Batman mostly contained hacking, slashing and stabbing violence which is more acceptable to liberal audiences.   

Yes it is a shame when you read about a school shooting, it makes you angry enough to kill the shooter if they are still alive .... of course I'd kill them with a hammer, knife or car as gun violence is wrong.

PARA USA who worked with Neeson on Taken 3 say they regret having worked with him and urge companies to cut ties with the Taken franchise .... I guess their cheque has cleared so they can say whatever they want as I doubt there will be another Taken movie.

Well you just never know. In Die Hard 5 John McClane was reunited with his son who was all grown up, maybe Neeson's character will have a son from a previous marriage who likes to shoot and beat people up like John McClane's son did ..... the family business.    

Never mind how many guns are in the US, just say yer fucking lines and shoot the bad guy, yer 62 it's a bit late to get a real job.
Blame the English, if they hadn't have been such cunts then the Americans wouldn't have written the right to bear arms into a part of their law.