Ugly People Are The Best At Keeping Fit

Gill Champion has been asked to stop doing her jogging and stretching exercises around her local village. It's not because of her flat abs, firm perky bum or shapely legs, it's because that from the neck up she doesn't look very impressive.

I eat healthy and exercise all of the time so I can look and feel great.  

 

One local man who asked to remain anonymous said, "I saw this really hot chick jogging down the road, I slowed my white van to get a good look and was just about to honk my horn and give a cheeky greeting when I saw her face ... it was orrible, I felt so disgusted at myself"  

 

So much so that Darren Watson the man had to seek out therapy to get him through. 

 

Experts compare it to when you pick up a lady at a bar who performs oral sex on you then after 2 months when you question why she only takes it in the mouth and the ass and it turns out that she is a man ... that's what the experts say.  Some men can be put off by this. 

 

Yer mom's a dude  ....  dude. 

 

While healthy eating and exercise may contribute to having a healthy life it doesn't guarantee anything. Joggers and even top athletes often suffer death by death as much as those who don't look after themselves. 

 

Steve Jobs had a strict vegan diet for 30 years and died of cancer at the age of 56, just think how many tasty burgers he missed out on. At least he didn't miss out on ripping off millions of people.  

Hitler was a non-smoking vegetarian and also died aged 56 .... or did he?

 

James Fixx who wrote, 'The Complete Book of Running' died of a heart attack while out jogging aged 52. His book was amended to cover dying while jogging and is now considered to be complete.

 

Davey Jones of the Monkeys was a vegetarian and a runner and he died of a heart attack aged 66. He ended up in the Davey Jones hurt locker.

 

Rosa Parks was a vegetarian, if only she had eaten some meat then she might have had the strength to get up off her bus seat. 

 

River Phoenix was a vegan and he died at the young age of 23  ..... aye sure he died of a drug over dose but it shows you that a lack of nice tasting 'facefood' (all food should have a face) leads to other poor choices in life. 

 

I want to kill her belly button with fire.

Beauty is only skin deep and it wouldn't be right to dismiss people on their age or appearance .... but that is how things are.  

Don't bother working out to extremes if yer face could do with 10 grand of cosmetic surgery and don't bother looking after yer diet as there are numerous other things out there waiting to kill you.... including me.

Life is for living, not for seeing yer skinny pasty legs in shorts or wearing spandex that really isn't slimming you know. Go join the army if you want to run in the freezing cold rain and win medals. Do I give the bus a medal every time it runs 13 miles? away an fuck ya glory hunters.

 

If it's about feeling good then drink more or take up drugs, c'mon people, a little common sense for fucks sake.

  

 

 

Mystery Meat

Two years ago in London some prostitutes "meat experts" were able to sample burgers that had been grown in a lab and cost just £215,000 to make. Aye the price of meat is high enough thank you cunty baws. One expert said "close to meat, but not that juicy" and another said it tasted like a burger but that product hadn't been completed fully. Maybe they left out the percentage of bug bits, hair and rodent excrement found in all foods.
 

That same team want to sell lab grown meat within the next 5 years. I hope the price will be reduced somewhat or it'll just be the the likes of George Osbourne the Chancellor of the Exchequer that eats them for a 'just one of the people' photo op. "Just having a burger and chips like all you lowly plebs marvelous working class folk, oh I had to get a gourmet £215,000 one because McDonald's doesn't deliver." 

 Fresh stem cells.

Made from stem cells which is the tissue that nerves and skin develop from they thought, 'what's better than helping people be healthy?' ....  'burgers, that's what' It's true, they are better. There is nothing Old Knudsen likes better than shoving a Whopper into his mouth and swallowing all that meaty goodness ... strangling hookers and watching the life leave their eyes is a close second though.  

You wouldn't get a smile from a wee shite's face if their happy meal included some stem cells for worn out knee cartilage but turn that cartilage to a burger and slap some cheese on that fucker and you've got a happy wee kid who is not yelling or destroying something for 2 minutes while they are eating. 

I like this concept cos then you can tell the smug vegetarians and vegans to shove it, finally real meat, not some kind of vegetarian replacement but meat without the murder. Ach who am I kidding like we really care about the murder, tasty murder.   

The down side I see is no jobs for people who just came out of school with no qualifications but if they put on a chain mail glove and wave a knife around they can werk in the slaughter house. Or they can pluck chickens. 
Old Knudsen once went for a job as a chicken plucker but soon found out that it wasn't a euphemism, so he went home and choked his chicken instead while watching Linda Evans on The big valley .... like you do.     

I wonder if the North Koreans (according to Mike Huckabee) .... or most of South East Asia will ask for dog to be grown. But you can have beef, you still want dog? ... real dog lovers but total crazy fuckers that'll eat anything. Will Russians grow babies to eat .... who knows? It's a cultural taste I suppose.

My pocket pussy looks like a Mexican bandit ...nearly Movember again.

 
If you ate grown meat that was human would that be acceptable cannibalism? I'm still waiting for them to grow vaginas, you know, something actually useful. If science is the place where nerds and geeks werk you'd think they would have figured out their loneliness by now .... or are they all having ugly, awkward nerd sex with high IQ's and pocket protectors? Ugh! 

When you can go into Tesco and buy a pound of lab grown meat will Tesco still remove the flavour as they do with all of their other foods?
   
I foresee millions of roaming cows, sheep, pigs and chickens causing trouble cos we stopped killing them for food.
There will be outrage when an American dentist shoots Betsy a cow that some local people named for the lolz. Everyone loved that cow! .... that no one but a handful of people had even heard of.

I hope the vegetarians and vegans finally understand why we enjoy have to kill animals for food when the cows chase them down and rip em apart because they can smell the grass soup that they ate for lunch still on their breath. Animals have heightened senses and are stronger than us. Not chickens though, but they are creepy in a dinosaur way.

We kill those animals before they kill us and we eat them as a warning to others. Eating meat that hasn't suffered just won't be the same.