Jesus The True Hollywood Christmas Story

The the year 1 AD a child was born to a young lass named Mary in Bethlehem. A product of a one night stand with a man known only to her as Yehwah, which sounds like a drunken Scotsman than a name. 
Joesph being much older than Mary made a deal for her to marry him and he'd raise the child as his own, thus saying that he was related to King David in order to receive welfare benefits from the bloody Romans.  

When Jesus was a child ..... sorry wrong picture.

When Jesus was a child he was presented to the wise men in order to register him as the Messiah. Jesus was a shy boy who wanted to be a Gladiator when he grew up but his parents saw his potential and pushed him into the limelight.

He grew up resentful of his role and how his life had been based on a lie (hereditary claims going back to King David) and just wanted to hang out with his male "friends" who he would feed pizza that had nail clippings and dead skin baked within ..... oh how he'd laugh and say, "dude, yer so eating my flesh right now" he also did stuff to the wine too. His "friends" would tolerate him because they were mostly waster fisherman while at least Jesus had a trade that paid the bills and his rocking chairs certainly did rock.

Due to his biological father being God he also did miracles to supplement his income, his 12 "friends" put up with the odd pube in their food cos they were onto a good thing with free healthcare.

Too much wine was consumed back in those days and after a major bender the Romans ended up crucifying Jesus. That was rock bottom for Jesus. 

 

Dorian also called Peter went on to say, "We was jus mindin our own bidness when a Roman stopped Jesus for walking while Gentile and started hittin him, he didn't do nuthin."  

They left him in a crypt due to the grave digger strike but he had had enough and so escaped by figuring out the combination for the rock door.

The crowd went mad with rage accusing the Romans of a cover up and was the life of a Gentile worth nothing?

The crowd led by his stepfather Joseph stretched out their arms goading the Romans, many temples were looted in protest but eventually Jesus was spotted by his friend Tommy who was told, "I'll be back in a mo to judge everyone." We all knew he would never return, crucify me once so rude, crucify me twice shame on you and stoopid me for coming back.

 

After many a life time keeping out of the news he worked out some of his father issues but still worried about how he had left down the world and how could he return now after 2000 years? He gave up drinking but instead turned to food for comfort, his questionable sexuality turned into a dark sadistic voyeurism which got him into trouble and so he moved to where he wasn't known and changed his name.

Almost unrecognizable having aged somewhat and put on some weight he did as he had promised and returned to judge you. 

Ho ho ho, you know what we got for Christmas in my day? fuck all!

He knows everything and sees everything and if you are good he'll sneak into yer house and fondle you. Call him Nick (which was his middle name) he no longer heals as he hates people, preferring the company of loyal animals and due to his PTSD from having been tortured and crucified he lives most of his life as a recluse. 

On his birthday he'll come out to the world and will judge you. If you are good you'll get whatever material object you wanted but if you are bad you'll burn in eternal Hell fire when you die. 

Since he spends most of his birthday fondling sleeping children and eating cookies he hardly ever gives out presents. To make the children feel less bad about burning in Hell many parents will lie and give a gift they say is from Santa, but in the end they will find out the truth. 

Many people don't know why they are in Hell, maybe it was because you were too excited to sleep when you were 6 or you phoned in sick for work when you were perfectly fine and just couldn't be arsed getting out of bed. Maybe it was when you described yerself as curvy or stocky when in fact you are really just fat or when you were cooking and a sausage fell on the floor and you put it on someone else's plate and didn't say a thing ... yer sins will find you out. 

So many people have decided that they are Heaven bound because they go to church but Heaven closed down years ago when old man God died and no one took over the family business. 

Have a merry Christmas you sinners and burn in Hell!