I Will Survive

If I saw a ginger Canadian stranded on an island I'd keep on sailing.

Have you ever seen this show on the telly called Survivorman ? it has this Canadian fella Les Stroud going out into the wilderness for 7 days alone with very little equipment and a couple of hand held cameras, he demonstrates how to survive.

A singer, song writer, music video director and a survival expert so the telly says, he once had the job of an outdoor instructor to special needs individuals of aboriginal descent which is a great job title and very politically correct, unless they are releasing the spastics out into the wild to fend for themselves, in that case its fucking class, very innovative.

I watch this show because I want to see him fail and get ate by a shark or something, hes not an unlikable bloke, just fucking annoying.

A drama queen who likes to hear himself talk, yes worse than me. He hypes everything up for the camera and for a survival expert hes a fucking wuss, 7 days without food must be easy for him to do as he farts around with other stuff all the time.

Where ever he goes he takes all the dangers no matter how remote and claims they are all out to get him, "I'm in lion country at the minute, I also have to be careful for snakes, buffalo, giraffes, eagles and baby squirrels, anyone one of them could attack me at any time, I won't be sleeping tonight."

He has this thing about food energy which for me has become a wee catch phrase for me, he eats a grasshopper and says, " I just need enough food energy to start a fire." Yeah those things are fucking filling.

Getting naked at any opportunity showing what a hot middle aged man he is (musicians don't age well in their minds) he is totally into camera angles and talking into two cameras at different positions for more interesting, edgy shots.

He does those long shots of him walking off into the distance which leaves you asking, "so are you just going to leave the camera there?"

He was surviving on a beach and doing quite well, the flies were annoying him but he was living, then he came up with the idea to search for help as a stranded person would do and he should head into the jungle. For fucks sake I was shouting at the telly telling him to follow the coastline, stay away from the jungle, both Tarzan and George were cunts, you'll get lost and eaten alive.

Of course I was right, he got lost and couldn't find food and flinched every time he saw a bug. (which he should have been eating) At night the jungle is a seething mass of creepy movement, I thought he would have known this .

Eventually he found the coast again and swore never to go back into the jungle , he followed the coast and found fishing huts, what a fucking mong.

In the Amazon his cameras nearly all died due to the damp and he was stalked by a Puma, he got to the safety of a native village before it got him I'm sad to say which shows you hes far safer than most stranded people, hes without the psychological trauma that finding yerself in a survival situation brings, he has a support crew a few miles away, if it gets tough he tells them on his walkie talkie that he forgot to mention he had and they find him on his secret GPS.

He was in his native Canada living off the land, his main worry was a Bull Moose as it was mating season, no not bears he was scared of moose's, '1500 pounds of rage' as he described one, he then went on to say how he was raped by one once, fuck off its a big cow.

For an expert he had trouble setting up a dead fall trap that had a boulder propped up by sticks, the thing wouldn't stay up and he was scared to break a finger, then the unthinkable happened, he pinched his thumb and got a blood blister, he was quick to point out that any wound out in the wilderness was magnified and he could very well die, yay!
He finally got his trap set up but had forgotten to put the bait onto the sticks before he set it up so he just left it there on the ground, later he came back to see the trap was intact but the bait was gone.
I'd be off to hunt a moose by that point.

Then he was smashing rocks to get a sharp edge and warned about the danger he was in with splinters etc. I bet he is the kind of person to always say, "you'll put yer eye out."

He doesn't like to kill animals for food but in a survival situation its all fair game, he ended up eating snails, a stone cold killer. I think Mr Strouds needs to go on a SAS survival course.

I'll say this for him, he can sure make a good fire but I get the impression a lot of the stuff he comes out with is what local guides have told him as he sounds unsure about everything.

He doesn't teach you how to survive, he teaches you how to survive for 7 days with drama.

"No room for bravado and carelessness your alone in the bush."
Fucking pussy, give me a pointed stick and I'll show you how to survive, if I was stranded with Les his whining and negativity would make me snap, two men enter the jungle one man leaves, one well fed man that is.

My man is Survival Expert Bear Grylls, ex SAS which to you Yanks is British special forces, tougher than anything you've got, they do waterboarding for fun. Bear is a big English bloke and he seems a very nice chap but he could kill you and eat and skin you just like that.

He scales mountains, eats any bug that cums his way , skins, guts and crawls inside of dead camels for shelter and takes stupid risks for the sake of it and because he enjoys it.

Ex SAS also means a little nuts so hes my kind of people, sure he is a little dramatic but not in a whiny posing way like Strouds and he talks military so I'm sitting there nodding and finding common ground, he does bring a camera crew with him and I'm left wondering how they keep up with him cos he is fit.

A lot of his scenarios are set up as most shows are but could you see Strouds take the undigested food from a camel's gut and squeeze it for drinking water?

Many have said that Bear is a fake, I don't care he is vastly more entertaining than most stuff on the telly, who else crunches into a giant bug and describes it as "gritty shrimp that has gone off " or " gooey cream like?"