Monday, 2 February 2015

Dracula Retold

So I finally got around to watching this one, what a CGI fest it was. Don't get me wrong it was cool CGI, people turning into bats and slaying hundred of Muslims at a time .... Now this made me want to go and kill some ragheads while American Sniper just made me wish for my time wasted back .... but the civvies love that one, not like they know how soldiers really operate anyway.  If that is the US military at its best then no wonder they haven't won anything since WWII.

I digress ... so ragheads then, Turks if possible, I never liked them anyways always pinching me arse in yon prison, I think they did that to see if it was ripe.

Vlad was taken from his Pennsylvania castle and made to fight for the Turkish in a 300 type montage of young kids being taught to kill. His father had given him up to avoid offending the Sultan. Years later and after he was done brutalizing in the name of the Turks he went back home to rule. Then the Turks came calling and what do Turks always want? .... young boys of course, they demand 1,000 young boys to train in their army and also Vlad's young son.

     I will not let the Turks do to you what they did to me ... I shall make them use lube.

So Vlad goes to a vampire trapped in a cave and makes a deal and gets some cool super powers but the hunger .... had me reaching for the snacks just thinking about his blood lust. 

Never mind the story, it wasn't too well thought out, but again there was a lot of CGI killing, also a lot of 'here, let me go over here so you can sneak round and kill my loved ones' moments. My powers will be useless by dawn ... why doesn't he spend the night attacking Turks instead of waiting for them?  Ach the plot holes were filled with CGI dead bodies. 

It's not a deep movie but it was shot on location in Northern Ireland. Not because Northern Ireland has such stunning scenery, it doesn't really, the south has the best stuff. 

We give money incentives to film here. Game of thrones filming in Slovakia? ... fuck em, cut our rates stat! Yes The Fall could have taken place anywhere but not at these great rates. Dracula Untold took some of our scenery and built a CGI world around it. A few stones from the Giant's Causeway and we'll make a mountain for ya. 

Did they even have to leave the studio? 

The Sultan gazed upon Ballymena. 

I was the only one to mention the anti-Muslim theme as far as I know when it came out but what about Dominic West playing the Sultan? full fake accent and tan, could we not have an ethnic playing the role? This was full on Ukip racist, sing a calypso while yer at it. 

Like I really care. 

This is opposite day anyway where the murderous, monstrous vampire is a great dad who only turned evil to save his people and his son from the bum bashing Turks. That was back in the day when the Turks weren't afraid to go to war, unlike today with ISIS and the Kurds having them shit themselves. 

So you root for the vampire cos he isn't really that bad anyway .... unless yer a Turk.  

A fun movie even though Gary Oldman's Dracula kinda did tell the whole story in about 5 minutes so hardly untold.


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