Sunday, 26 January 2014

If In Doubt Just Don't

This is a public information post from the DUP

Due to our recent success at getting a play that mocked Christianity for the amusement of Atheists and Satanists banned we would like to bring something else of importance to the public. 

We of the DUP ..... the ruling party of Northern Ireland have also decided that nakedness and sexual intercourse is now banned on Sundays. 

While we understand that this may be difficult should you want to bathe on a Sunday we request your compliance in this matter. Your body is sinful and seeing you flaunt your sin makes the Lord and Santa cry tears of empty hopelessness.

No sexual intercourse is to be tolerated on the Lord's day either. Tis a day of rest intended for people to go to church in a clean and civilised manner not writhe about in the animalistic throes of beast like copulation.
If you are Pentecostal and intercourse is an integral part of your service then write to the DUP asking for a Sunday fornication license.

Profanity is to be limited on Sundays too, no saying c**t (unless Pentecostal then see above for details) and certainly no use of the word f**k, we can't do it so we certainly can't say it.

The only times the F-word can be used on a Sunday is when it is used in conjunction with the following.

Communicating with Taigs or Slavs
Encouraging your children to go to church
Supporting an athlete or sports team  
Suggesting your wife tends to your sandwich needs
       Discussing human rights with police officers
Socialising in the pub after church
Attending a civil rights protest

We are a Christian nation and would not want to show ourselves to be anything else for if we do then Satan and his Irish minions win. 

You are not your brothers keeper but a concerned eye on your neighbours and their obedience with these guidelines from above would be appreciated. If you have concerns about anyone then please contact your local UVF or Orange Order representative, sometimes they are one and the same. 

Please enjoy your Sundays responsibly. 

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