Surviving The Zombie Apocalypse In The UK

Not full up yet.

Being fluent in Refugee, Old Knudsen was given the job of interviewing the swarms hoards influx of people that wanted to live the cushy life in foreign cuntries because they were displaced by a little bit of genocide from ISIS, the US/Saudi  led coalition and Assad.

Fucken pussies, the war crimes military action is for yer benefit too.  Handy that we have to rely on various governments to tell us how much bombing is needed though. WWII didn't last this fucken long.   

You only see this many males at ghey bars and football matches. 

I would talk to these scroungers to figure out if they were actually terrorists or not. "The West bombed your home and family rug business killing your parents,wife and children, do you hold any animosity towards us? .... think carefully before you answer."      

 Mother Brown under the table.

Maybe Old Knudsen is old fashioned but when Hitler bombed us we never ran or swam to southern Ireland. We had some tea and sang songs about rolling barrels, packing up bags and getting yer knees up. Family obliterated? Worse things happen at sea .... knees up mother Brown, knees up mother Brown, under the table you must go, Ee-aye, Ee-aye, Ee-aye-oh.

I never found any terrorists, they always answered no when I questioned them. I did notice one thing, several of them were coughing and sneezing. So many people in such close confines, I hope they didn't catch the Zuka virus from eating infected mosquitoes as those foreigner types do. 

A grungey walker 

Soon, because of the English habit of not covering their mouths when they cough or sneeze and not washing their hands the virus spread. People were getting ripped apart in the street, it was worse than a Black Friday sale.
People go on about zombie apocalypse plans. In the UK you just don't grab yer AR-15 and head to yer cabin like wot the Yanks all plan, you have to figure out how to disarm an armed police officer or soldier, maybe break into a police station or something.

No offense officer but if you have a gun you may be wanked shanked for it. Dog eats dog ....hmmm dog.

The zombie outbreak in the UK was stopped but not before the infected mindless brain dead creatures voted to leave the EU. But hey, you still have to have a plan.

If the police don't cum when you call .... they never do for fucks sake then you go after a farmer for his shotgun.
In the UK, farmers being the only armed civvies and food producers would become the ruling elite. If you think they are cunts now with their stench of cow shit on sunny days and complaining because they don't have any money even though they own a house, land, livestock and a Jag then just wait until they lord it over you.
If they work so hard and such long hours for such little money then why are most of them fat fuckers? 

Maybe I'll be safe at sea ... though worse things tend to happen there. 

So I'd go to the cuntry and kill a farmer or two. Yes I've put some thought into it. They often have wind turbines on their farms so that's electricity as well.

There aren't many folk I wouldn't kill at the end of the werld. I wouldn't kill the Queen because she's just so wonderful, I wouldn't kill the guy that played Dr Who, the skinny Scottish one .... no not the crappy one now the one that was English for pay # 10. I obviously wouldn't kill any black people as that would be racist, oh and I suppose Jews too  as that would be antisemitic even though they run everything and start all the wars but I can't enjoy Mel Gibson movies anymore so lesson learned there. No trannys, midgets or people wearing burkinis.

Just because society has fallen apart that doesn't mean we stop having a social conscious. Stephen Fry would be at the top of my kill list whether he turns Walker or not. You over sized pretentious twat, you aren't Oscar Wilde, quit thinking you are.

     
If I was getting low on food I'd kill whatever hot chick was with me (I don't save ugly chicks) as she'd go on to make a hot zombie. You don't save hot chicks for conversation for fucks sake. I could finally put muzzles on weemen and chain them to the kitchen sink without being labeled a sexist. The werld would catch up with me and my enlightened view not stuck in the issues that get projected upon me.

Can zombie chicks even make sandwiches?  ... or more importantly tea?

 

I'm no a monster, if I saw a bed warmer child I'd save them of course without a second thought. I'm old and need help to get on and off the toilet and I can't be expected to fetch and carry at my age. Imagine a youngster left in the charge of Old Knudsen, ah the STD's wisdom I could pass on.

You can still have yer hot mom little Timmy, she'll just not be able to tell you bed time stories anymore but you needed to grow the fuck up anyways.  

Do you have a zombie apocalypse plan? Have a stash of weapons, food and water handy and tell people, 'it's in case of an earthquake or other natural disaster' so they don't suspect yer mentally unstable and that yer planning on killing them for their stuff at the first sign of social unrest.     


 

Zombies Have Rights Too

So I saw this meme saying that if there was a zombie apocalypse there would be people protesting for zombie rights.

Of course that would have to happen after a while before some bored self righteous white folk decide to feel offended on their behalf. Yeah they prefer to be called Trans-living then you have the whole undead person of colour thing. Blue would be the new black. You can't say head shot anymore as that's totes offensive.

Even when dead, zombies are still people and have rights, for instance you can't sell or have sex with a dead body because of the whole being wrong thing or consent whatever the hell that is.  Legal and moral issues gives Old Knudsen a headache.
If that body is up and walking about its rights are bound to be more thought through. When can you kill a zombie? when it walks towards you? Maybe it was going to ask you for directions. If it grabs you it may just be harmlessly trying to get your attention as they can't speak very well.

 He was all shuffling about like this and he smelled like a Chink ... Chinks love me but zombies are weak, they gotta get smart.  

It'll be like a whole new class of disability for people to shun and for Trump to mock and for the government to cut benefits on. You can shuffle about and mutter brains ... so then you can werk in Wal-Mart or Tesco, benefits cut! 

Employers wouldn't have to pay a living wage.

 
I think the whole biting people and the spreading bodily fluids thing is not cool unless I'm the one doing it but you'll have some hippies saying that zombies should have rights and freedoms etc and how un-American it is to have zombie control. Only a good guy with a gun, or a small fence can stop a bad zombie.

In the UK we don't blatter on about freedoms, we're subjects to the Queen, not citizens and are grateful for whatever we're given but we do severely frown upon biting others.


In the UK we'd then beat them to death with our fists or anything that is handy ... except in the south of England as those soft shites would get eaten as they panicked.

In England they'd stop a zombie in their tracks with a stern word of warning. "Listen here chaps, behave or I'll be forced to call a constable ... oh you are a constable, what is your number and who is your superior? I shall be having words with them the very moment I finish my tea." 

In Northern Ireland we'd ask them if they had a problem and what are they looking at before bashing in their skulls, the Irish are inquisitive by nature. 

A typical American. 

Americans (all of them) are too afraid to leave their homes to go shopping without being armed to the teeth so during a zombie apocalypse expect a lot more toddlers shooting their parents by mistake. Those poor frightened Americans, even the idea of danger freaks them out how the fuck did they ever beat Hitler? .... oh yeah, that was the Russians. 

Healthcare for zombies would be a nightmare, "Doctor help me, I'm falling to pieces" .... "pull yourself together man." 

The NHS would be destroyed because of the fat zombies, the UK being the most porky nation in Europe NUMBER ONE ....YEEEOOOHHH! 

 Brits would finally have good teeth.

Then again zombies do seem to have near indestructible teeth so no need for that ... good news for Brits.  

Do zombies go through the stages of rigamortis? The ones in the movies are usually up and biting when they turn, I suppose it wouldn't be as dramatic if they just lay there and groaned for a day or so. Oh no, he's going to jump up and bite me within the week at some time.  

Bodies also bloat and explode, the zombie apocalypse would be as messy as Pornfest 3000 ... what, you've never been? This year it'll be in Leeds so yeah, take yer kids along too. 

I'm investing in yon disposable ponchos cos those sales are gonna soar. 

When the rage infected teens escape the secret government labs and spread the Z virus across the werld just try to remember that zombies probably eat love kittens as much as you do .... maybe more and just like everyone else need those validating LIKES and hearts on social media as we all need or we just don't feel complete or loved.   

Don't discriminate, Walkers had mothers too, well until they ate their faces off.