I Write The Songs

It's a police box ya moron, police boxes can't time travel.

Old Knudsen has had some time on his hands recently. He popped back to the 1950's to see his grandfather who was in his prime then. Every time Old Knudsen visits he has to tell him the same old story about time travel and to prove he is who he says he is.
As usual gramps was pissed off, defiant and bat shit crazy .... luckily Old Knudsen takes after the other side of his family. I just wanted to visit my dear ol grandad before he died. I asked him if he had any regrets and he said, "nah, if you do the thing then expect to swing" oh I should have mentioned they were hanging him for murder, if people are going to annoy you then they should expect a good murdering.

After the event I gave me granny a shoulder to cry on, she was a right looker back then so I got back to me time machine a little late and found I had left the lights on.   

Me and Daisy at the Turdis.

Me "companion" Daisy was getting right annoying and kept accusing me of flirting with others all the time .... me? so I trapped her on a beach in Norway with a clone of meself . She was always the one who turned out the lights and made sure me underwear was semi fresh.
Me time batteries had drained, it takes ages for them to recharge so I was stuck in the 1950's .... fuck the 50's were dull.

Ever hear a song or watch a movie that seems very connected with you and you say, "I could have wrote that" well maybe you did. I'm not the only time traveler, look at the 2 terms of GW Bush and his 2 wars, there had to be a time traveler on his team, why the fuck does Cheney need a new heart every now and then? Just how old is he?     

I had to make some money to afford a load of car batteries and jump leads so I became a song writer. Frankie Valli and the Four seasons had massive hits Everlong and Angels as did Chubby Checker with Baby Got Back. 

I'm the worse at remembering lyrics so me Eleanor Rigby song has, 'she likes the cheese, likes to please quite a lot of young men ... da da de da da.' My own Bad Moon Rising song was about a bathroom on the right which got semi trapped into yer subconsciousness because they were all my hits.  

After a while I even became a performer, hanging out in Vegas with the Prat pack, Dino, Frankie, Sammy and Liberace .... yeah Libby didn't fit in that well, just something odd about him, always wanted to take saunas and wrestle naked like Greeks.   

It was 1980 and me Thriller LP had just come out but I'd brought out a song I had written in the late 60's in order to get a Christmas number one. It was called Imagine, very lovely it was. 'Imagine there's no Mexicans, no lawns or burritos, no Hell below us and who doesn't like pie?'  Phil Spector co-produced it just so I could make inside jokes at his expense, "aye Phil it'll be number one with a bullet ... lol" or I'd say "keep yer hair on."

So I was returning to my New York apartment and some fat bloke yelled, "I hate pie!" a fat bloke who hated pie, must have really serious issues, he pulled out a gun, I didn't have time to grab someone as a human shield so I fled only to feel the bite of 4 bullets as they hit my back. In a split second I remembered Daisy explaining to me about fixed points in time and time resets that you couldn't escape from. 

So I woke in 2016 and found that some bastards had written my songs and had written my books about a boy wizard who discovered the power of his wand in puberty .... fucken time plagiarists, I have half a mind to go back and .... nope it's gone.  

Old Knudsen Cures Baldness

With a young Adolf Hitler

A wise man only gives his opinion when it's asked for, Old Knudsen can't sit around waiting for you to get smart enough to need his opinion. Back in the day while time traveling I visited a young man named Adolf Hitler, have you heard of him? .... I always ask that question in case I've fucked up the time stream again. 

Anyways Hitler was a young man born in a town in present day Austria in 1889, he then moved to Germany and became a postal courier who was much loved in his town. He married a lovely lass named Anna and had 7 children, he died in 1975 aged 86 surrounded by his children, grandchildren and his young male friend Edwardo. That was his life and probably the reason you've never heard of him. 

When I met him, he was a young delicate lad with an over bearing father, while Adolf wanted to paint and was very into the show tunes of the time and performing dance routines his father made him do manly stuff like hike up mountains while drinking strong beer.  

Adolf's future was to fight in the great war of 1914 - 1918, it was a fixed point in time and there was no escape from it. 

I had read all the time lines (well some of them) that Hitler was in and his son Heinrich was going to cure male pattern baldness so it was vital that he was born, I'm no going bald by the way though my face just seems to be getting bigger as I age. 

I became young Adolf's friend and told him which cushy regiment to join for WWI that would keep him away from the front and I also told him the exact time to leave his bunker cos a shell would have hit it, yes I probably did save his life. He was the type to avoid war service but to avoid him fleeing from Vienna to Munich and getting arrested and looking like a coward which he might very well do I made sure he knew what an easy war he'd have. 

Adolf would be a HQ runner and his war would be a lot more comfortable than most. The Iron cross second class he was given was handed out to many HQ staff because they were always around the big wigs. 

I told Adolf that he was different than most other men and his thoughts and desires would have to be suppressed for the greater good of the werld and besides, all that chumery was still illegal back then he'd only be allowed to be himself in 1968 when the laws change. 

I taught him how to walk with a swagger instead of mincing. I taught him how to disregard the feelings of others as a typical man would do, his empathy and camp-ness would never attract the future Mrs Hitler ... yes it was that important, Timelord shit, you wouldn't understand.       

Angry, horny, hungry, hot and cold are the 5 male emotions .... are hot and cold, ach never mind I taught him them all as he thought way too much, I did teach him the Scooby Doo Theme tune to help him replace yon intellectual stuff in his hed. I schooled him in never owning up to anything and how to blame shift, "It's the dog's fault!"

There's a lot to being a man ya know. 

I advised him that if he ever wanted success in life to exaggerate about his war service, maybe make up some death defying feats and close calls and say yer iron cross was first, not second class. A real nutter would kill those who served with him and destroy his birthplace but that would be crazy huh.

He needed to be more confident and to take control, I used all the cliches like, 'Fortune favours the bold' and 'Just do it.' I told him to do something with yon mustache as it made him look funny. 

My 3 weeks with Hitler boosted his low self esteem, I told him he was meant for a higher purpose (having his son) but of course couldn't tell him too much. He was a non-smoking vegetarian that liked the feel of cheese wedges up his rectum but I can only do so much.

You see the werk of a Timelord often goes by without you even knowing about it, you'd never had heard the name Adolf Hitler if I hadn't done a post about him. I will leave you now with the advice that seemed to resonate the most with young Adolf, 'Go big or go home' ... he was bound to get the gurl after that and to all you slap heads out there, yer welcome, enjoy yer hair. 

 

 

 

  

Doctor Who Gets Cancelled

Old Knudsen used to enjoy a Christmas around the telly with the family waiting for the Christmas Dr Who to cum on.
Turkey, potatoes, mince pies and a bottle of Christmas cheer all settling in my belly making the odd gaseous appearance .... heaven on earth.  

Sometimes it would get spoiled with the children yapping about something or the usual, "please don't hurt us, if you leave now we'll not even call the police."

Listen bitches! we're a happy family, I'm uncle Knudsen so fuck up and be happy or I'll cut you.

This year made Old Knudsen cry. It wasn't because 'Handles' the Cyberhead stopped working it was because the show was shite. Last year we had The Snowmen which was shite and now this .... I can't take anymore it spoils Christmas and has me waking up naked and covered in blood under a strange Christmas tree ... like you do. 

     The shit has to stop!

The past year has been difficult ... oh I don't mean the flag protests/riots I mean the fact that we had snowmen who were not scary, a boring brooding doctor, a companion who was built up as being someone mysterious but really wasn't.... all she does is run around looking like she is trying not to cry. 

It's just amazing how much better Amy was making the show. Motorcycles that can ride up the side of buildings indeed.  The whole dark Doctor arc with John Hurt was kinda silly considering the Timelord war happened long before his incarnation. How can the other doctors be tormented by something that hadn't happened yet? .... oh the new plot device, you have a time machine,  no need to explain huh. 

It used to be that the Doctor would zap something with  his sonic screwdriver and fix everything.  Now they just do stuff and rely on the stupidity and blind faith of the viewer to accept it.   

It also turns out that Doctors who have previously regenerated can return to existence and just grow old.

30 years Living in a museum seems to age you more than 300 years in a town called Christmas, how very odd. Matt Smith can't act old .... or act, he should have listened to his mammy and stayed with the show.

All the rules of time that has stopped Timelords from doing as they please in other episodes was just thrown out the window this year. 

A wooden Cyberman  ........... wooden work. I mean really, you have a Cyberman whittling away on a block of cedar because obviously a wooden cyberman with a flame thrower is far better than a plastic composite one with a built on .50 cal plastic mini guns, you can get pretty solid plastic ya know and it's low tech ...  I doubt he has a setting for that.

Remember when Daleks and Cybermen were threats and the Doctor would run from them ... why did he do that?

 I can't remember how to fly the Tardis but I can remember one thing .....

 

I'm the doctor who fucks his companions so get some lube and get naked cos I'm gonna bust yer wormhole!

 Wha?

So are yon Timelords alive? trapped? what? I can't keep up, throwing every Doctor Who enemy into an episode does not necessarily make great TV. They did it a lot better for The Pandorica Opens episode, that one was cool. 

The show has too many in-jokes and easy fixes being used. Get some good writing and some good acting going on and quit with the CGI over using. 

The fangurls will be crying over the loss of a young Doctor and the middle aged male fans will be cheering that an old Doctor has been chosen.      

It may be time to stop watching this show .... unless they go with my companion fucking doctor.