Fire In The Hole

Haven't done a post today, cos I can't be arsed. I'm all bloated cos me poo is all bunged up there so as you can imagine I've got bigger things to worry about. It's been 7 or 8 days since my last movement and it's starting to get serious as I have a date with a lovely lass tomorrow night.

I definitely don't want this happening again.

Well thanks for listening, I'll keep you posted on the corn hole front, maybe I'll get a wee toilet  camera like how the BBC look at baby birds in the nesting box . Of course I may not be near a toilet when I decide to pebble dash everything but thats just how Old Knudsen rolls.

Every Little Helps At Tesco

If you want me this is where I'll be ..... you may want to avoid aisle seven, I had a curry last night.

Down The Crapper

James Gandolfini while on holiday in Italy went out to dinner with his son and dooned much red wine and shots of Goldschlager while watching street jugglers entertaining the crowd. 
He heartily ate his spaghetti dipping huge chunks of garlic bread into the sass all the while talking and gesturing wildly spraying spit and food like a Shakespearean actor in full flow. 

People at nearby tables got to over hear how Jim Carrey likes to strike his erect penis with a bamboo cane and how Kristen Stewart wails like a banshee with dementia when she climaxes, both witnessed first hand.  

With a surly look on his face no fan dared to approach him nor did those who suddenly become fans because hes the only celeb around. "You wouldn't guess who I met on holiday, the guy from The Godfather, you know, James Franco."

On his way back to his room he picked up an American newspaper he found in the hotel lobby, it was day old news but something to read while on the shitter. 

He sits on the pot, pees and fires off one of his cylinders, he sighs. 

Fucking news, never fucking good he thinks as he tuts to himself and starts to push.   

He reads about the latest whistleblower Paul Furlong currently hiding in Iceland, seems that Obama's drones had been mistakenly set on the 'kill children' setting which wasn't noticed for 3 years. 

"I don't think America should be killing children" said Furlong forgetting America's fine tradition of riding into unsuspecting villages evicting injuns with sabre and carbine.  

Shaking his head in disgust he tries to push again. His food baby needs to come out but it isn't happening .... how long can they stay in there for he wonders, so much wet farting such a tease.  

He increases the pushing as beads of sweat glisten on his fat bald head, 'I'm the boss of number two' he grunts 'swim with the fishes.'  

'Ha ... I'm in the paper'  Actor James Gandolfini died suddenly after a suspected heart attack.....

He frowns, not sure about what he has just read, something wet drips out of his anus and hits plonkity plonk into the water.

From inside his food baby reaches up and takes his rapidly beating heart into it's long impacted fingers. I live in your belly and this is how you repay me, with disrespect! no one gets rid of food baby so easily, especially not a fat mook like you . It squeezes and it squeezes hard, strength borne out of indignant rage, out of betrayal. 

Gandolfini frowns hard and regrets that he never got into tweeting as he falls forward onto the floor. The cold hard tile hit him like a punch from Muhammad Ali but he never felt it. 

Lifeless and sprawled, looking like an envelope without an address he watches himself from the corner of the ceiling. 

'Dead huh and with a spooky message from the future, who could have guessed that one?'  Doon below food baby uses it's last ounce of life to take a look at the harsh outside world ..... Pretty tiles, as it slowly flows to a small heaped lump.

The soul of Gandolfini goes in search of female locker rooms before it joins the great cosmic soup. 

Val Kilmer sat on the toilet eating fish tacos, it had been 17 days since he had shit. It wasn't really affecting his life or his career but his agent couldn't take the smell anymore. 'I knew I should have gotten more tacos, this may take a while' he thought as he strained.    

Deep within, the food baby gurgled and bubbled. You fat slag only the real Batman can get rid of food baby you can't even be a huckleberry or a dingleberry I laugh at you Ice-cream-man.   

Kilmer pushed harder.


 

 

 

Follow The Bear

Colin Firth is an actor that bores the tits off me. If the role requires a tall middle aged stuffy English twat then he gets it. He has the acting range of my shit and just as much charisma.

His latest film out is "The Last Legion, " with the line "Before King Arthur, there was Excalibur." Well before this piece of crap there was a similar film called " King Arthur."

Both films go the way of King Arthur being a Roman soldier, a premise that was interesting enough but not worth two films. I want shiny armour , round fucking tables , sister fucking and a steamy love triangle that destroys a kingdom not dagos stinking of garlic thinking they are going to be king of England.

I've only seen the King Arthur one with Clive Owen and so feel the need to ask this question. "Why do they make the king Arthur character so fucking dull and ugly?"

Ugly English blokes are the in thing just ask Daniel Craig . Clive Owen has the acting range of Colin Firth and as much charisma, see above.

In King Arthur the love interest was played by that annoying chavette with the eating disorder Keira Knightley , the only ray of light I see to cum from any of this is the love interest in The Last Legion.

I hate myself for being so shallow but Bollywood actress Aishwarya Rai has now be cum the latest entry to my wank bank.

Sometimes I think that films are cast with cunts in the main roles on purpose to lose money or not make as much as they could as a tax write off (see Steven Segal) If you don't believe me then watch films especially made for the Sci-fi channel, "hey lets cast Stephen Baldwin in the lead, hes so cool its bound to be a great movie."