Robert Burns Wen He Taks A Pee

Och noo hootsie mon tis the night of Rabbie Burns when the veil of the other side is thin and the great man himself appears to his faithful Scottish kin.

Look in a mirror and say My Love is Like a Red, Red Rose three times and Burns will visit you and cut you to ribbons torturing you with badly spoken verse with each slice. If he doesn't then yer a failure and nobody likes you, not even bad dead poets. 

Och wen ol Knudsen left bonnie Scotland and said goodbye to his beloved Killamory with it's rolling hills, deep cold loch, one Kirk (Douglas) and 15 titty bars he knew that the spirit of the great man himself who died fighting the Spanish so that we may be free, would always be with me.

Check oot the windies an that! Nothing to do with the post, I just like the painting in the picture.

So anyway, Ian Blake a fellow Scot was stopped by airport security at Birmingham Airport BY THE SAVAGE ENGLISH! while he was on his way to Dublin . The problem wasn't only the English scums natural jealousy of the Scottish but because what he had in his luggage looked suspiciously like plastic explosives.

Since Ireland is full of witches perhaps a hex of control was placed upon novelist and poet Mr Blake and he was bringing bombs over because ya know ...... Irish people are all terrorists .... just like yon Muslims.
He was pulled out of the line at the airport while his baggage was searched, it turned out to be .....

 Haggis!

Ach the only thing that will explode is yer toilet.

Blake, like all true Scots wears the kilt as invented by that great travel writer Sir Wally Scott and even had a wee sgian-dubh which is Italian for dirk, tucked away in his shoes in his bag.

Birmingham huh,the slack fuckers, who hasn't smuggled weapons through there huh? 

 Haggis vadge

Haggis which it seems has the same consistency as C4 is a delicacy in Scotland. It is the intestine of a sheep containing the ground up meat of the national animal of Scotland the haggis. Due to the wild haggis having a poor breeding season in 2008 which also was hit by disease, less actual haggis has been used since then to protect the numbers and more schepe meat has been used as a substitute, meat such as the heart, liver, anus and lungs.

The wild haggis is a protected animal and is now responsibly farmed on the hills of Edinburgh by the English company Freerun Foods, this may pose a problem should Scotland gain independence later this year as plans for relocation south has been discussed.  Scotland may have to import the haggis should it split from England.

Enjoy Burns nite my friends with the blood of the Scot, everyone else can fuck away off before ya get hurt.

Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!

G'an mak the tee an suckle on ma testie. 

Its The Home Of The Brave Now

I've had yet another major life change. So many like divorce, jobs, prison, rehab or death that have turned my world upside doon but I've always weathered the storm as a fisherman would, unless you watch that shite film 'The perfect storm' I would have gotten my boat back.

I've remarried or killed my exes, got new jobs, did my 4 years in the Guglag, checked out of rehab cos those fuckers don't know what they are talking about and when I've died I've always cum back, just like Jesus but I don't get mistaken for a hooked nosed money lending Jew. No offense to any deity killers reading me.

Somehow the dept of health and social services or the dhSS, have mistakenly been sending me the benefits belonging to Stig the crusty hippy that died while staging a protest up the tree in my back garden and some Welsh backpacker.

They had the nerve to say I was fraudulent but it was the beans not me. I may have gone doon and signed various names a few times, what do I know I'm a confused old man?

So anyway the fuckers are on to me and now they are looking in my direction for other people who have gone missing, what you are surprised? I'm a fucking arms and kidney dealer I've made no secret of that fact get over it, I'm not perfect and I doubt that you are perfect, well except for Bittersweet me, have you seen her HNT ?

I've done some work on my cottage in Killamory and rented it out to a nice young gullible couple and told them if they did any garden work like digging I'd evict them .

I cashed in some Nazi gold and looked into going to a 3rd world cuntry that had a poor economy and a good exchange rate for me to exploit .

Zimbabwe was my first choice but it seems they have a problem with white Brits buying land and the place is full of nig-nogs, no offense to the coloureds that read me but if wasn't for them being so lazy I'd still have my plantation.

Then I thought about a cuntry similar to Zimbabwe but more of a 'melting pot' of racial harmony and equality. I chose America as its obviously full of religious white people because that's who went over right? I'm being persecuted just like the Puritans were so they should understand.

I could of went over on the Mayflower but giving beads to the Indians to see their tits and buy their land and then killing them seemed too much like work.

Be honest about things and just go in there and kill them, that's why Iraq is fucked up, just admit you're an colonial invasion force for fucks sake.

I e-mailed my American contacts as their phone numbers no longer worked but most of my e-mails came back and some message about them being possessed by a demon mail server or something I shall pray for them.

One of my peeps came up trumps, an old friend of mine named 'Buddy' we served back in the day with 'The Company' but he got burned out and on the edge and retired from the world, a bit fucking nuts in other words.

I'm going to live with him in California where fruit grows on every tree and you need never go hungry because you can just reach up and help yerself, the streets aren't paved with gold, I'm not stupid you know, its silver they use for the streets only the letter boxes are gold.

The weather is always nice and sunny and the weemen are easy.

Buddy lives on a street full of horny widow weemen and I get to live my own place at the back beside the garage, its own bathroom and the garage is set up as a dismemberment room er I mean a workshop, I shall use it as a base to conquer the dirty vadges of America.

Rancho Crotcharea is the name of the town, pronounced (Crotch' a ' ria) its Spanish or Mexican or something. I'm looking forward to my new life.

Update

Ten hours on a plane stuck beside a hot woman flirting with me is no fun, for fucks sake I'm more than just a piece of meat. I sure hope the rest of the yank weemen aren't like this as it is very draining, at least I know why they are called yanks (all wankers) me knob is raw.

British Airways touched doon early in LAX in Lost Angeles which is good as I got hassled by security because of my manly vibe or maybe it was because I said my bum was itchy and they thought I said bomb no one speaks fucking English here.

I got my luggage and waited in line with my passport at the ready then I got to a big fat Filipino bloke who asked me how long I was staying for.

I stared him in the eyes and said 'SG19' he knew what this meant and looked nervous and then said, " Welcome to America Mr Blackthorn" and handed my passport back to me.

If you know LAX at all you know all international passengers go through a cleansing chamber in which they are sprayed with a sanitising solution.

This is actually a nerve gas named 'agent tangerine' that is used in the water in America which makes it undrinkable but as Haliburton sells bottled water under a different name thats fine.

The nerve gas gets rid of yer commonsense and over inflates yer self esteem and arrogance making you more American, the government also sprays chemtrails from aeroplanes across the cuntry too.

Being an ex company man I've been inoculated. I do feel sorry for the US Marines as they are given double the recommended doses.

I sauntered to the arrivals area and no sign of Buddy, he'd be late for his own funeral so I sat and waited, it looked like all Asians worked there so I checked to make sure it was definitely America as that's the same way I ended up in that fucking Guglag, those Slavs all look the same to me, no offense to my dirty Slavic readers.

Old Knudsen has left his beloved Killamory to live amongst the fat heathens if he had a soul it would surely be in jeopardy.

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