Robert Burns Wen He Taks A Pee

Och noo hootsie mon tis the night of Rabbie Burns when the veil of the other side is thin and the great man himself appears to his faithful Scottish kin.

Look in a mirror and say My Love is Like a Red, Red Rose three times and Burns will visit you and cut you to ribbons torturing you with badly spoken verse with each slice. If he doesn't then yer a failure and nobody likes you, not even bad dead poets. 

Och wen ol Knudsen left bonnie Scotland and said goodbye to his beloved Killamory with it's rolling hills, deep cold loch, one Kirk (Douglas) and 15 titty bars he knew that the spirit of the great man himself who died fighting the Spanish so that we may be free, would always be with me.

Check oot the windies an that! Nothing to do with the post, I just like the painting in the picture.

So anyway, Ian Blake a fellow Scot was stopped by airport security at Birmingham Airport BY THE SAVAGE ENGLISH! while he was on his way to Dublin . The problem wasn't only the English scums natural jealousy of the Scottish but because what he had in his luggage looked suspiciously like plastic explosives.

Since Ireland is full of witches perhaps a hex of control was placed upon novelist and poet Mr Blake and he was bringing bombs over because ya know ...... Irish people are all terrorists .... just like yon Muslims.
He was pulled out of the line at the airport while his baggage was searched, it turned out to be .....

 Haggis!

Ach the only thing that will explode is yer toilet.

Blake, like all true Scots wears the kilt as invented by that great travel writer Sir Wally Scott and even had a wee sgian-dubh which is Italian for dirk, tucked away in his shoes in his bag.

Birmingham huh,the slack fuckers, who hasn't smuggled weapons through there huh? 

 Haggis vadge

Haggis which it seems has the same consistency as C4 is a delicacy in Scotland. It is the intestine of a sheep containing the ground up meat of the national animal of Scotland the haggis. Due to the wild haggis having a poor breeding season in 2008 which also was hit by disease, less actual haggis has been used since then to protect the numbers and more schepe meat has been used as a substitute, meat such as the heart, liver, anus and lungs.

The wild haggis is a protected animal and is now responsibly farmed on the hills of Edinburgh by the English company Freerun Foods, this may pose a problem should Scotland gain independence later this year as plans for relocation south has been discussed.  Scotland may have to import the haggis should it split from England.

Enjoy Burns nite my friends with the blood of the Scot, everyone else can fuck away off before ya get hurt.

Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!

G'an mak the tee an suckle on ma testie. 

Things That go Munch In The Night.

I just want to apologise to all of Scotland, for a few years back, I did indeed fire Robert Burns. It was during my time in the food industry, Mr Burns was to get a stocklist doon from upstairs. I could see him on the monitor downstairs as I cashed up tills, a very industrious young man going from the chiller/freezer to the lift (elevator) filling it up with boxes, I happened to notice his mouth was in action, his cheeks were bulged out like a chipmunk and my supervisor senses were tingling. He was nearly done so it was a good time to confront him.
I put the cash in the safe and went upstairs where I found Mr Burns with sugar from the frozen donuts all around his face, he knew the game was up and went quietly, a silly thing to get fired for but its called zero tolerance. He hasn't written much in recent years, I hope it didn't scar him emotionally.
I found a whole stack of half eaten donuts doon the back of the freezer during stock take. I suspect Mr Burns was the tip of the Ice burg, I bet it was those fucking Bronte sisters, bitches.



This is a true account of what happened, the names have not been changed to protect the guilty, as then it wouldn't have made it to become a post. Have you ever fucked over a person with a famous name ? if so the Blog world wants to know.