Burn Fracker Burn

Fuck it, it's Monday ... lets frack. 

Last week the 1% minority lost one of their sons. Aubrey McClendon the co-founder of Chesapeake Energy Corp died in what was deemed a tragic accident. 

The man who became a billionaire thanks to fracking somehow drove his SUV into the side of a bridge at 89 mph without a seat belt on and ended in a fiery wreck.
The day before the accident he was indicted on charges of rigging land leashing contracts. While he no longer held a bulk share of Chesapeake his e-mails and business practices would be a huge embarrassment to the company. 
He was still in the process of transferring his last shares to his "friend" Clayton Bennett of Dorchester Capital, a man Old Knudsen has never met.

  There's always some ghoul with a camera huh. 

Say what you like about Aubrey McClendon, he gave us a cheap fossil fuel which as everyone knows is clean, safe and great for the environment otherwise Hillary and Obama wouldn't support it cos they care for the environment ...... though are silent during gas and oil leaks until the press finds out and makes them face it.

What's more is that he was related by marriage to Kate Upton .... what a great excuse to wish her strength during this trying time and to take a gander at her huge norks. 

It reminds me of 1997 when Old Knudsen had to cut his Paris vacation short when Princess Di had her accident. I had to go report console the Queen who was very upset, as was Charles and Camilla or 'those nympho bunnies' as Philip used to call them. If Charles and Camilla bumped uglies would it be their faces rubbing together?   

Like many others Kate is concerned about climate change. I mean what if a dry day turned rainy with tropical storm Colin or Derek or Tyler or something? That could ruin an outfit. 

The man that changed the face of energy consumption in the US with oil and gas that now exceeds coal use can have the last words.  

I lied, the last werd is mine. Is that bacon I smell? 

More Leaked Photos

It takes a confident man to send a picture of himself in his piss stained chones to a lass... talk about a leaked selfie. 

Before those pictures of me come out due to me iCloud account being hacked I want to take away their power by posting this one that I sent to a lass who was gagging for a selfie ... you know who you are. 

I'm against posting pictures of Jennifer Lawrence with a face full of jizz or Kate Upton with an impressive money shot over her back as like it or not, these celebs are people, we don't own them. 

How would you like it if the pictures you took of yer twat and rectum that you sent to yer BF was posted online for all to see? .... as for why they send pictures like this who knows?  Why does Old Knudsen stand naked at his window when the kids are going to school? .... who knows? 

The thing is that the hackers have gone into accounts of shall we say more mature weemen, they didn't appreciate what they had and sent them to me. They complained about bad dreams and PTSD flashbacks but that's because they don't know sexy if it bit and spanked them. 

Fuck all that I said about privacy, this pics are just too sexy to not post. 

I did go off Hilary a little after I learned about her going around selling fracking to Europe. Saying that she will be the next president of the US and I'd still frack the fuck out of her. 

I've yet to see a naked selfie of Michelle Obama from the front, this does add fuel to the rumour that she is really a man. Oh whatever I'd still tear up that ass. First lady or First Gurly-boy? 

This was actually sent to me by the Queen herself, we have a history you see. Sex on a stick no wonder Scotland voted to stay in the UK. 

Some knew her as the Iron lady, to me she was Maggie the sex machine, after she wore Dennis doon she went on the prowl, she may have hated the Irish but during a loving embrace she'd get me to speak Gaelic .... since I don't speak no Leprechaun I'd have to say things like potato and Top 'O' the mornin, it didn't take her long to get there..... to be sure.    

Can ya really blame Charles for wanting this instead of Diana? Known as the British Farrah Fawcett Camilla can be my wet dream catcher any day. 

May Gog bless her soul, Joan Rivers who was killed by the Secrete Service for saying that Barrack Obama was ghey and that Michelle was a tranny. Joan did have some plastic surgery which explains why she only looked 24 instead of her real age of 281. She had more children than just Melissa but she used those ones for spare parts.  

All these weemen will forever be in Old Knudsen's wank bank which is overflowing just like his trashcan. If every sperm is sacred then Old Knudsen's bin is a God. 

 

Humans Are Pig And Chimp Hybrids

Monkey great sage equal of Heaven fucked Pigsy right in the sty.

Dr Eugene McCarthy should really up his standards for dating weemen. He came out and suggested that a chimpanzee mated with a pig and that is how humans were made.

Chimps and pigs are our closest living evolutionary relatives and both share 98% of their DNA with us, it's a no brainer, we must have come from them.

Does having a degree really mean you can call yerself Doctor? 

Dr McCarthy says that the original pig-chimp hook up was probably followed by several generations of 'backcrossing', where the offspring of that pairing lived among chimps and mated with them becoming more like chimps and less like pigs with every new generation.  Much like how inbreeding in Loyalist housing estates gets rid of their Fenian like chins. The Royal family don't have chins so why should we?

 I can totally see our pig like qualities .... bacon rocks!

Hairless skin, a thick layer of subcutaneous fat, light-coloured eyes, protruding noses and heavy eyelashes and compatible internal organs .... but that's enough about yer Ma. 

Chimps and pigs went their separate way around 80 million years ago and scientists (who had more than a PhD in pig fucking) have said that their sperm and eggs wouldn't recognize each other in order to mate. 

If you believe all that evolution rubbish then you think that we evolved from the sea, became little mammals, then bigger mammals, some when into the trees and some went into politics etc etc you'd know that we are just animals like pigs and monkeys are, the only difference is that we have higher reasoning skills and say idiot shit like 'I think therefore I am' and 'Saddam has weapons of mass destruction' because we evolved to adapt.

 Nope, I don't see any resemblance.

Shit! now I've gone racist, that sure escalated quickly.

Sure we are related to pigs and chimps but our own DNA does not lean towards either of them to suggest we came from them, Dr McCarthy needs to lay off the acid or something. No doubt saying crazy shit to get published or something and there are many out there (Fox news viewers) who will believe anything.

Two million illegal aliens in our country are followers of ISIL leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and have been infected with Ebola and explosives ..... more at eleven. 

Can't fuck to save it's own species from extinction but look how cute it is on the play equipment. If all you ate was bamboo and had no privacy would you want to continue on living?

We also like to see human characteristics in animals and dress up little foo foo dogs as people in a subconscious way to show contempt and dominance over the once noble wolf. Just because we can wear pastel coloured polo shirts and communicate in more than just barks or grunts (well some of us can) it doesn't make us the best animal ever.

 Banana envy anyone? 

Bananas share 50% of our DNA, does that mean that we mated with that elongated fruit too? Well I bet that some of you have ya durty hallions.   

This idea of pig and monkey fucking maybe very arousing but it's totally shite and the History channel might feature it if they weren't too busy doing things like 'True stories in the Bible' kinda shite.  Who needs proof when you have air time to fill? Fuck real history based on evidence, lets pretend the Bible is true.
Baker street is a real street in London, doesn't mean that Sherlock Holmes is real. 

 

Now for real science. Humans are alien experiments with DNA taken from other animals and tweaked with. They wanted a hairless intelligent breed to work as their slaves and we are the rejects left behind to figure out who we are.

If you want proof then I have it, of course I can't show you it as they are still watching us and might kill us as they did Joan Rivers ...... who knew too much.

I'm glad we had this talk as too many people will believe any ol shite but Old Knudsen is here to steer you to the right *fact related* opinions.   






*Very distantly related*


  

Leaked Pics And Blurred Lines

So I was looking at those dodgy stolen pictures of Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton and some chicks I've never heard of and I saw this picture of ME! I feel so violated, that picture was for me to wank to as sometimes I can't find a good mirror.

Sure ya expect to see the likes of Jennifer Lawrence topless as she very often doesn't wear much more, woo hoo she has a naked body under her clothes, not as impressive as mine. I thought I'd be safe by getting an expensive £25 phone from Tesco but I guess not. 

As unimpressive as these pics were .... no offense ladies but try to be hotter next time, the thing I did find impressive was in one picture of Kate Upton (not shown cos I'm a gentleman) the amount of semen on her back, did that just cum from one fella? Aye lass, be grateful all that wasn't inside you gang raping yer eggs.

Get Fit The Easy Way

Kate Upton was once asked how she keeps her figure, she replied 'I'm 23 for fucks sake I can eat whatever I want.' .... paraphrasing there but you get the idea. She can eat Old Knudsen if she wants.

I was reading this story about a Chris Monk, a 26 year-old gym worker who complained about looking bloated and not fitting in with the fit as fuck meat heads where he works. His boss got all fit and muscly and won some body building competition which inspired him.

Monk worked irregular hours and would often pick up a McDonalds or KFC. I had a job like that once and it didn't help when my rich as fuck boss who doesn't seem to have any set working hours came in one day offering us reduced membership rates at a gym.

Why do I have a beer belly? I go onto shots after 8 beers.  

Ya know what I need after working a 4pm to 2am or an 10pm to 7am a day off then a 7am to 4pm? a tough workout at a gym. Away an fuck and pass me a plate of chips covered in gravy cos I'll be comfort eating for being stuck in a job that sucks my soul and health ...... wasn't the response he was looking for.

Ach he was fucking his secretary so not someone that could inspire you to better yerself. 

So young Chris, brown nosed to his boss then bought some protein shakes, ZMA tablets and some  pre-workout supplements... aye roids it is.  He also changed his diet. The article didn't mention alcohol but since he's a young British male I'll just assume that he binge drinks ... hence being bloated around the belly.

Before, his meals were like this: Cereal like bran flakes for breakfast, pasta or spaghetti bolognese for lunch, Sausage egg and chips or takeaway for dinner with crisps and chocolate for snacks.

He trained with his boss at the gym they both work at five times a week doing cardiovascular exercises like cycling, running, swimming, and  resistance training, both looking at each other all hot and sweaty and pats on the arse, hey you lifted well today, lets shower.. This went on for 12 weeks.

His meals then went like this, for breakfast, egg and salmon on granary bread, lunch is three small portions of turkey breast cous cous and veg. Dinner is steak with sweet potato salad, then later peanut butter on granary bread. Nuts, yoghurt and fruit for snacks.

Seriously cous cous?  .... Hitler ate cous cous. You keep yer sweet potato salad, I'll have some steak cut chips with me steak and me side of steak, coleslaw is vegetables, where is that? is this lad ghey or something? Have I missed a part of the story that mentions wine bars? .... not that there is anything wrong with fudge packing.  

After all of that he looks like a god .... well no shit Sherlock.

If a 26 year-old single male who works at a gym can do this then what's yer excuse?  Let me think, I can spend all me time making seven smaller meal portions spaced at three-hour intervals or just eat two or three meals that fill me. I bet that while he was doing this transformation his work at the gym was left to slide, being the boss's pet and all.

This story was written to promote the USN Body Makeover Challenge and no real people were hurt during it's writing.
If you do all of that then yer gonna expect a change but who the fuck is gonna do all of that?
 

I'm not gonna eat like some ponce with their salmon and whole wheat bread an shit, you give me this at a restaurant and I'll be asking where the rest is and be careful, you got foliage all over me plate.


I have cut back on KFC though, I'm no a complete pig.

Mainly cos they changed the fries to French fries which are minging in the gravy and I'm still boycotting France for not fighting Hitler hard enough.

 My body is a temple .... of  DOOM!

For 10 years in Callyfornia I got KFC wedges and the original burger wasn't the same so when I returned I got my burger but then they changed the chips on me WHHHYYY!!!!!!!!!!



I'm too old to be working out to impress other people ... but no Old Knudsen, it's for yerself and so you'll be around for yer children, ach fuck the wee shites they stopped coming round after I turned the hose on them and cut them out of my will.  Very easily upset they are, need to grow thicker skin I reckon.
Exercise is for people with time to spare. I don't do running, unlike the French I signed a waiver in the army that said I didn't have to do all that unnecessary running as I was already considered fit enough to be killed for my cuntry and Old Knudsen doesn't turn his back on the enemy. It's the 19th fucking century I told them, go get me a horseless fucking cart.


So I improved me mind instead of me body and I still get the same amount of attention from the ladies as I did when I was 26 and built like Thor .... which is none, I just seem to attract lezzers, aye that's what it is.

If I can't be ripped at least I can be interesting. 

It's A Boy!

The hopes of a nation weighed doon on the shoulders of Kate Middleton with the collective voice of 'don't fuck it up' and she delivered like a pro.

A bouncing 7lbs 4oz baby boy. The couple have already picked out a suitable name for the wee royal fucker.
As they have both recently converted to Islam the child shall be named Mohamed, his full name shall be Mohamed Satsuma Bonfire Charlton Edward Soren Windsor. He shall not be circumcised as that is a barbaric practice done by uneducated sheeple but he will remain in hospital to have a birthmark in the shape of 3 sixes removed.

Kate Upton - Angel

Kate Upton is proof that some kind of god exists and proof that the deity responsible is a horny fucker.

Kate Upton may have a hairy upper lip, not much of an ass and farts like an ox but shes more or less perfect except for those things.

A 7 out of 10 in the sack, she lost points from me for making the monkey lips facial expression during sex and those farts that nearly blew me dick off. 7 is still quite good though. Old Knudsen is very picky ..... nah not really.