The Poonisher

Today is national 'I'm going to kill those you hold dear and then slowly torture you to death for not picking up yer dog's shit' day. Enough is enough I'm sick of walking the streets checking for booby traps like it was Nam all over again.

Recently while walking the streets at night (fighting crime an stuff) I not only stood in a turd but my foot slid 6 inches forward like it was ice. Even with street lights that part of the pavement was dark so I stood no chance. Only Old Knudsen's cat like reflexives saved him from totally going for his tea.

I shall now hunt down any dog owners I suspect of not poo lifting, break their legs with hammers and force feed them dog poo (I have a collection) before slitting their throats .... over kill? How dare you judge me you cunt!
If Old Knudsen can't do his gravy train around the aisles in Tesco then dogs should not be allowed to poop where they please either. 

 
Eye posters over bicycle stands have reduced bike thefts. Like Mountain lions a bike thief will not strike if they think there are eyes looking at them. Mountain lions always attack you from behind, aye the great outdoors can be just like a prison shower at times.

Old Knudsen can not be everywhere .... unless you count those Soviet clones of Old Knudsen but technically they are different people and some of them are right arseholes, I can't stand them, I'd still do them but I wouldn't be friends with them.

So by putting eyes onto trees I shall let the poo offenders know that they are being watched. These eyes will strike fear into their hearts and they WILL lift their dog do.

I can only cover up some crimes ya know before I'm forgetting who I killed and where, one time I was putting a hooker into a shallow grave under some roses when I realised the bloke that tried to get me to switch me electricity provider was buried there ... awkward! ... lovely blooms on those flowers though.

I'm only kidding and you can't prove anything ha ha, I joke sooo much. Ach they were all filthy hoors anyways otherwise the archangel Michael wouldn't have told me to kill them.

So I'm off today putting me guardian eyes onto trees. I hope people read this blog post so they know what I'm doing, I don't want folk to think I'm a nutter or something.