Snakes On A Pastor

 But I believed in you!

Sorry for the delay in giving my opinion on this story but Old Knudsen has only just managed to stop laughing at it. 

"I just like handling really, really big snakes," said Pentecostal Pastor Jamie Coots of the Full Gospel Tabernacle in Jesus Name in Middlesboro, Kentucky as he stroked his snake lovingly. Go on, tell us about yer favourites.

 "Well, the black timber rattler I just love," he said. "Some of the black timber rattlers, their head just look, like, velvety. It's such a shiny black and tickles the balls when it goes in."

I'll just be pretending I didn't hear that last bit. 


Coots was bitten by one of his Gog bothering snakes and his family refused anti-venom treatment because Coots didn't believe in no new newfangled medical treatment. He was bit 9 times previously and rather than learn from Gog's lessons he believed he survived by his faith .... he died 2 hours after being bitten, I suppose his faith was lacking on this occasion and so now he burns in Hell according to his own beliefs.  Gog doesn't want any doubters in his posse.

9 times previously in 22 years of handling snakes, you'd think he'd learn. 10 times a charm. 

Cody Coots, his son who is also a snake handler in church, told a local newspaper that it was a 2-and-a-half-foot timber rattler that gave his dad the fatal bite. Snakes 1 -  Twats 0.  Hold on wah? his favourite snake? Maybe it got confused cos of all the shit caked onto it's eyes. 

The Pentecostal church was invented in the 20's by a black, one eyed, uneducated Texan who went to Callyfornia as they will believe anything.  Like many Scots/Irish settlers he could of course read ..... and just like them he only had use for one book .... the Bible.

The Gospel of Mark (16:9-19) says: 


The one who believes and is baptized will be saved; but the one who does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: by using my name they will cast out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes in their hands, and if they drink any deadly thing, it will not hurt them; they will lay their hands on the sick, and they will recover. 

So it says that if you handle yer snake, speak gibberish, drink Guinness and shout out JESUS CHRIST when you cum yer bullet proof and also won't catch aids or syphilis .... well thats my interpretation and it has werked for me. 

Jenny of Colorado .... my faith was weak and so you may have the clap ... my bad. Hope the babies are well.  
  

Pastor Andrew Hamblin hears the banjo music of Gog as his life soundtrack.

The thing is that yon passage does not appear in the earlier manuscripts of Mark which suggests that it was added later ..... an amendment,  probably in the second century.  Thats 200 years after the alleged death of Christ. Did someone just pop up and say, "hey didn't Jesus say this too?"

All these morons are risking their lives based on something that was thought up by 'Snakes R us' or someone else. Maybe it was a way to weed out idiot Christians. 'Drink Draino and if you really believe in Gog then you won't die, what are you afraid of?'

In 1995 a woman in Coot's congregation was bitten and refused medical treatment, she died on Coot's couch .... yet another of weak faith huh.

There are 125 snake-handling congregations scattered across Alabama, Georgia, the Carolinas and Appalachia .... these would be the areas in which the Scots/Irish settled, aye my people were and are still idiots.
Let them sip strychnine as a test of faith.

Darwin didn't actually coin the phrase Survival of the fittest, he attributed to Herbert Spencer in the
fifth edition of his Origin of Species, 1869. Darwin did use the term Natural selection and both terms seem pretty apt here.
There is something not right in their heads, adrenaline junkies who are Christians due to not liking to think for themselves too much.

Humans are only strong when they can think and adapt, not follow the herd like bison who stand in a clump as a defense mechanism while hunters shoot them all day.  

 As they say in Texas, 'don't tread on me.'

The snake is seen in many world cultures as a symbol of  both good and evil, it is also connected with medicine, fertility, immortality, transformation, passion, re-birth, blah blah blah.

It's a scared symbol to the Earth goddess which is why Mother (Earth) Mary up there is standing on it cos while it's a goddess familiar, Christians see it as evil and need to control it.

Just like sex. Christians also feel the need to control that. Mary is usually seen in blue because she is of the mer, the sea .... just like the goddess of love Aphrodite who is also depicted with sea foam and shells as Mary sometimes is.

The reality is that Mother Earth loves the cock cos fertility is a big part of nature, around this time of year Old Knudsen feels that urge for way longer than the usual 4 hrs at a time. Maypoles are cocks pushed into the earth and danced around like strippers in a club in case you were wondering about this.

Now the goddess is a sex hating underage virgin but the signs to her original state are there. In the Bible weemen are either hoors or mothers so Christians, yer Ma is a hoor! .... and yer Da loves it.  

The fable about St Patrick driving the snakes out of Ireland was the Christian campaign to control the evil snakes (Pagans) even though we all know that Ireland never had real snakes because the land bridge to England was flooded after the ice age 2,000 years before the mainland got their 3 species of snakes.
Other animals got there but the snakes were just too slow and it was way too cold at the time. Thank fuck Noah had aquariums with heat lamps.   

When Old Knudsen was in the garden of Eden he said, fuck the apple, LOOK a talking snake, how cool ...... and it speaks English.

Please handle yer snake responsibly.