Monday, 16 February 2015

Pig Squad

Bacon experts and authorities in Baconology have concluded that for every bacon sandwich you eat you lose half an hour off yer life span. The Federal Authority on Bacon is a task force that has been set up to combat bacon sandwich crimes. 

Hello madam I'm very special agent Knudsen and this is average agent Nash and we'd like to ask you a few questions about the death of yer husband .... oh and by the way yer husband is dead.

Yes yes I'm sorry for yer loss, yer still young-ish and quite perky on this fine cold morning, you'll trap another one in no time.

Why did yer husband want to end his life? Did he not know that killing yerself is a serious crime that could get you into trouble?

My husband was happy, he just went out to run some errands.  

Aye he was happy alright but he wasn't running errands, he was running into the arms of a woman named Hayley, she has been arrested in connection with yer husband's death.

She killed him?

She is a waitress at Al's dinner and has now been charged with assisted suicide. She knowingly served yer husband a bacon sandwich .... probably not the first going by witnesses, yer husband may have had a few extra good hours left to him if it wasn't for this cleavage laden widow maker in a short skirt, ach it makes me mad that this kind of thing goes on but it's soo tasty so everyone turns a blind eye.

If it's any consolation to you poor Harold only suffered in intense agony for just 10 - 15 minutes before he passed.

Harold? my husband is called Dennis. 

For fucks sake Nash, ya took me to the wrong hoose!  .....  I was just following you.

So my husband isn't dead?

I don't fucken know, he may very well be with the state of the ice on the roads today, and go put some clothes on ya Jezebel, those nips are very distracting ..... I may be back for a statement and some back bacon heh heh.

Slamming doors on Federal agents is rude, I know where you live!  

It's a difficult job Nash, if it wasn't for me drinking I'd have drown in this sea of raw emotion, maybe the real widow will be needing some three-way comforting, lets go.

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