Tuesday, 6 January 2015

Taken By Fear

Liam Neeson recently told of how a teacher from Texas wanted to take some students to Europe but  the parents said no because they had seen Neeson's movie Taken 2.

Well it is Texas, what can you do?

I know that Neeson can only do one accent and that's a Ballymena one but he's a very powerful actor ..... especially around the eyes. After watching him in The Grey I was nervous about strapping mini broken bottles to my hands and fighting wolves .... aye sure I've done it hundreds of times but now I was *ascared*. After the movie Jaws I never swam in the sea, that was mostly doon to the temperature of the water and the amount of raw sewage I could imagine being in it though.

Irrational fear is for the weak and kinda scares me a little.

Thanks to Neeson's movie Non stop, Snakes on a plane and Castaway I now have a fear of door handles, don't mock my fear you never know what that person touched right before they opened that door. I don't know what they have to do with those movies, don't ask stupid questions it's irrational fear, that means back to rations just like the war ... don't mention the war it was hell.

Yes I have seen yon movie Fury set in World War II and now I have a fear of Shia LaBeouf, thanks for bringing that up by the way, me therapist will be wanting to have some words with you. Look at him method acting his liddle heart out ... STOP IT!!!   

Do actors and film makers not know the power they have? Do they not have a responsibility to society?

After seeing Tom Hardy's todger and saggy balls flying around as he got naked and attacked his prison wardens in Bronson I developed a fear of going back to prison. I had this cunning plan to go and find all the old bodies, dress them up in silver suits and blast them off into space and if anyone ever found them they might think they were from the future.

Aye me plan did have one or two problem areas. Turns out that going back to prison wasn't that scary. The shower gang rape was how I remembered it, like drinking petrol, after the first few you don't notice the others. I do miss being able to fart though.

Wow, that post escalated quickly.

It's ok to come to Europe .... yeah maybe not ones from Texas, Florida or Arizona, you stay away. We are a friendly bunch, sure we might judge yer horrible fashions .... fanny packs? aye we call them bum bags and it's not against the law to hang those people who wear them.

You won't get kidnapped, the last thing a European wants is to be stuck with a mouthy American telling them how small and quaint everything is ... We aren't fucking stupid, we know that means yer cuntry is a dump that needs knocked doon and modernized. Indoor toilets indeed, the world is our toilet!   

With no guns all you have to worry about are criminals with knives and hammers, the police won't help you as they do not like to get involved so it's best if you know an ex-CIA operative, from Ballymena.

Europe has a lot to offer visitors from the States ..... um, we have old stuff. Even our modern stuff looks old. You also won't have a clue when yer being insulted cos you'll be too busy admiring our accents that you can't understand.

Don't believe everything you see in the movies. I know that when an alien invasion movie comes out that uses real places all the Americans look out the window or check the news just in case. The Bible also did that trick .... clever huh?

Sam went to Ballymena to admire the sheep .... I'm just fucking with you, sure there are sheep in Ballymena and they may be very attractive but Sam didn't exist though some other Sam may have lived in Ballymena at some time. Oh my hed is sore now, what is real?  

Don't let fear rule yer life, it's always a Brit that ends up being caught in a hostage situation or 192 people died in a plane crash, one Briton was aboard, we even claim the Irish when a Brit isn't available.

Shit, I really do need to worry then. Aw fuck it, I'm from Ballymena hey.

*Don't bend my shite it's a real fucking werd* 


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