Tuesday, 22 July 2014

Get Fit The Easy Way

Kate Upton was once asked how she keeps her figure, she replied 'I'm 23 for fucks sake I can eat whatever I want.' .... paraphrasing there but you get the idea. She can eat Old Knudsen if she wants.

I was reading this story about a Chris Monk, a 26 year-old gym worker who complained about looking bloated and not fitting in with the fit as fuck meat heads where he works. His boss got all fit and muscly and won some body building competition which inspired him.

Monk worked irregular hours and would often pick up a McDonalds or KFC. I had a job like that once and it didn't help when my rich as fuck boss who doesn't seem to have any set working hours came in one day offering us reduced membership rates at a gym.

Why do I have a beer belly? I go onto shots after 8 beers.  

Ya know what I need after working a 4pm to 2am or an 10pm to 7am a day off then a 7am to 4pm? a tough workout at a gym. Away an fuck and pass me a plate of chips covered in gravy cos I'll be comfort eating for being stuck in a job that sucks my soul and health ...... wasn't the response he was looking for.

Ach he was fucking his secretary so not someone that could inspire you to better yerself. 

So young Chris, brown nosed to his boss then bought some protein shakes, ZMA tablets and some  pre-workout supplements... aye roids it is.  He also changed his diet. The article didn't mention alcohol but since he's a young British male I'll just assume that he binge drinks ... hence being bloated around the belly.

Before, his meals were like this: Cereal like bran flakes for breakfast, pasta or spaghetti bolognese for lunch, Sausage egg and chips or takeaway for dinner with crisps and chocolate for snacks.

He trained with his boss at the gym they both work at five times a week doing cardiovascular exercises like cycling, running, swimming, and  resistance training, both looking at each other all hot and sweaty and pats on the arse, hey you lifted well today, lets shower.. This went on for 12 weeks.

His meals then went like this, for breakfast, egg and salmon on granary bread, lunch is three small portions of turkey breast cous cous and veg. Dinner is steak with sweet potato salad, then later peanut butter on granary bread. Nuts, yoghurt and fruit for snacks.

Seriously cous cous?  .... Hitler ate cous cous. You keep yer sweet potato salad, I'll have some steak cut chips with me steak and me side of steak, coleslaw is vegetables, where is that? is this lad ghey or something? Have I missed a part of the story that mentions wine bars? .... not that there is anything wrong with fudge packing.  

After all of that he looks like a god .... well no shit Sherlock.

If a 26 year-old single male who works at a gym can do this then what's yer excuse?  Let me think, I can spend all me time making seven smaller meal portions spaced at three-hour intervals or just eat two or three meals that fill me. I bet that while he was doing this transformation his work at the gym was left to slide, being the boss's pet and all.

This story was written to promote the USN Body Makeover Challenge and no real people were hurt during it's writing.
If you do all of that then yer gonna expect a change but who the fuck is gonna do all of that?

I'm not gonna eat like some ponce with their salmon and whole wheat bread an shit, you give me this at a restaurant and I'll be asking where the rest is and be careful, you got foliage all over me plate.

I have cut back on KFC though, I'm no a complete pig.

Mainly cos they changed the fries to French fries which are minging in the gravy and I'm still boycotting France for not fighting Hitler hard enough.

 My body is a temple .... of  DOOM!

For 10 years in Callyfornia I got KFC wedges and the original burger wasn't the same so when I returned I got my burger but then they changed the chips on me WHHHYYY!!!!!!!!!!

I'm too old to be working out to impress other people ... but no Old Knudsen, it's for yerself and so you'll be around for yer children, ach fuck the wee shites they stopped coming round after I turned the hose on them and cut them out of my will.  Very easily upset they are, need to grow thicker skin I reckon.
Exercise is for people with time to spare. I don't do running, unlike the French I signed a waiver in the army that said I didn't have to do all that unnecessary running as I was already considered fit enough to be killed for my cuntry and Old Knudsen doesn't turn his back on the enemy. It's the 19th fucking century I told them, go get me a horseless fucking cart.

So I improved me mind instead of me body and I still get the same amount of attention from the ladies as I did when I was 26 and built like Thor .... which is none, I just seem to attract lezzers, aye that's what it is.

If I can't be ripped at least I can be interesting. 

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