Off The Hook

I my life time music has gone from vinyl to cassette to CD and now to Download. In 50 years we'll have social media chips in our skulls and have our music beamed there. Thankfully U2 will be dead and won't force their "free" albums that we have to pay for later unless we opt out unto us. "Aw crap I've got this song stuck in my head ... literally."

Social media chips will be as compulsory as having a Twitter account. What you don't even have a skull book? ... check out the geezer. It will become law to get them when politicians have their people buy shares in the company under a name you can't link to them.

"I just happen to think this law is necessary .... um no reason."

While the automobile stays the same with the same mileage as when it was first made, phones have also changed big time.
With all these changes the newer generations will have to pay attention if they want to know what it was like in ye olden days. Phones with curly cords and dials. My Ma was one of the last hold outs to change her phone from a rotary dial to buttons. British Telecom had to force her as dial phones wouldn't work with the changing times .... press the hash key, no not that one the pound key! .... the number sign for fucks sake!     

 

In the Foo Fighter's Walk video Dave Grohl goes to a payphone to make a call only to find how the times are a changing. 

Now a days when I see a payphone in the street I do a double take. There will be a time when they vanish completely unless you go to places like butt fuck India.  

 

All those movies that have the hero racing to pick up payphones to meet some ransom demands will no longer make sense. Not that they made sense anyways. What cop can run 2 miles? Old Knudsen would say, "fuck it, kill em, I don't do running".

Depeche Mode's song Personal Jesus (which Marilyn Manson ripped off for the theme to Salem) has the werds, 'Flesh and bone By the telephone Lift up the receiver I'll make you a believer' what the fuck is a receiver? says a young person. 

It's the two buttons people frantically push down in movies when the phone is dead. Like cross walk buttons .... why isn't this fucken changing? .... if I keep pushing it it'll change. 

People will say "off the hook" but won't connect it to 'off the peg' clothing or a constantly ringing phone. There will be idiot Facebook memes that say, 'click LIKE if you've ever heard a dial tone' or did you know that ringtones comes from the way telephones would sound in the olden days? .... they would ring. Off the hook means it's great or some such shite, young people are idiots.

When bad meant cool and sick meant good I decided that young people needed wicked awesome slaps to the hed.

 What up dawg?

I used to smile when I heard someone with a ringing cell phone, ah someone that remembers how phones sounded, then everyone did that and it became annoying. Like how everyone and their dog gets a fucken tattoo now. 

The Ultravox song All Stood Still has, 'Please remember to mention me In tapes you might leave behind' what the fuck are tapes asks the young gormless person. I'm not even gonna mention 8 tracks cos they weren't big in the UK. They can be left to cunts in movies that think they are cool cos they listen to an old format.
It sounds more authentic .... fuck aff! do musicians have white noise machines at concerts to make their music sound crap? 

Language changes along with the times. The 2nd amendment kinda meant inaccurate muskets as rifles weren't even a thing. A rifle has a grove inside its barrel which makes the bullet spin thus making it faster, more accurate and with better range.
Muskets were tubes that lead balls flew out of. Like a fuzzy with an RPG it takes more luck than skill to hit the target.

Now you have the NRA calling assault rifles (something the military could use) as sporting rifles, go fuck. Those rifles are meant for war which is in no way what war is ..... sporting.  

This is the type of AR-15 the Orlando shooter used. In yer face libtards it's a The Sig Sauer MCX . Lol lol lol, you are sooo stoopid.   


 

You Lot Have It Easy

 

People don't know how easy they have it these days. I standing in the 10 items or less queue and the fella in front of me who had exactly 10 items made some comment to the cashier about the price of things, well that did it, fucking first werld whining from spoiled I was breast fed until I was 9 wimpy lad. I tapped him on the shoulder and said, "you young uns don't know how easy you have it these days" he looked at me blankly and told me not to touch him again which is a shame as I had him singled out for a sneaky hand to butt cupping as we stood in line but his comment put me off a little ... Mr tight jeans indeed, so ghey looking.

Luckily there was a group of youths loitering by the entrance of the store. I was able to tell them how easy they have it. Aye I had to ignore the rude comments and dodge the odd Red Bull can but when someone has survived the trenches, that kinda shite just seems so lame. I've left more people for dead and gone through their pockets than they've had hot dinners.

Back during the war we didn't have much, we had to make our own entertainment. I remember going to the dance halls and dancing to the big band sounds of Los del Río and their big hit the Macarena, I didn't know the werds cos I either fuck or kill Italians, I don't bloody well talk to them .... or whatever lingo that was "Hey Macarena!"  

We didn't have none of them camera phone things, our phones made calls and sent texts, sexting was a lot more descriptive unlike now how you can just photograph yer cock and send, no poetry at all. Don't worry, thanks to the judge Old Knudsen's phone still only makes phone calls and texts but look on the bright side, no one is going to mug me for a £15 phone and the power lasts for a week. 
Those touch screen things give me the creeps, like automatic doors they troll you by not working. Fucken sentient machinery that kicks you in yer self esteem by saying that you just aren't there. 

Slide to unlock .... I slide, then I bust some other moves like the running man and it still doesn't unlock. 

Julian Sands, almost had a career.  

There may have been a war on but some great movies were made then like Jurassic Park, Terminator 2 and even Toy Story, they don't make films like that any more. Films like Braveheart forced us to remember who the enemy was and what they were capable of, if you look at most of the best movie bad guys you'll find that they are English, says it all. 

You young people don't know how difficult life was during the war, not everyone had a computer or e-mail, we'd have to write and send off a letter and then wait months or years for the other person to not reply, nowadays you zing off a message and go mad when the person doesn't instantly get back to you. It took years to decide to cut someone out of yer life, now you can do it in an afternoon.

Some of our papers had tits so if you needed a wank while reading the news you could.  

We didn't have social media back then, all our media was very anti-social. We had to look at things called newspapers or the television and maybe listen to the wireless. News at ten told you how shite the werld was and that there was no hope, then it would end with a story about lucky the dog which was rescued from a well or some shite, it was like an abusive relationship with a beating followed by flowers and promises. 

If we wanted a flame war we'd have to go onto forums and start a thread ... not that I would know about that but people are still very touchy about circumcision and are easily riled and that's the pro-circumcision lot, their ignorance no doubt fueled by a guilty conscience at supporting baby mutilation. Jeff Goldblum, you say you read about it and while you didn't do it for religious reasons you had yer baby son circumcised anyways .... yer an asshole then who robbed their child of choice. 

Aye flame wars just seemed to happen around Old Knudsen for some reason ...  people and their issues huh.

You have all these young uns looking at their phones and typing lol at their mates but never actually laughing out loud, back in my day we valued human interaction and I don't just mean hookers and the desperate lad doon at the docks. Back then we had our friends ... we also had Sienfeld, Xena and The Simpsons, whatever happened to that show? 

Friends, Sienfeld, The Drew Carey Show and Will and Grace, it seemed that yer real life buddies appeared less interesting, where are those TV best friends in real life who would judge you in a cynical yet humorous way followed by a quirky theme tune riff?

Millions in Kuwaiti bullion. You mean them little cubes you put in hot water to make soup?

So in 4 days Saddam was kicked out of Kuwait and we let him slaughter those that rose up against him .... yeah that didn't come back to bite us in the ass, yes Al-Qaeda I'm looking at you. It was worth it as the movie Three Kings was made, if you don't like that film then yer just a moron and my cock has more taste.  

There were other wars and other movies but Hotel Rwanda was no The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, am I right am I right?

      
Appreciate that you have it easy these days and that even refugees first reaction when they reach safety is to take a selfie, in my day they'd take yer child or favourite goat.