Taste The Tip Of My Sabre

 D'Artagnan wannabe.

So I was out doing my shoplifting shopping when I saw this DVD called Napoleon's war: 1812. Yeah yeah yeah I shouldn't be watching such things because of my PTSD but I thought, 'it's a Russian battle, no flasbacks to the old thin red line, I should be fine' also being a buff history buff I likes me knowledge.  

It was to honour the 200th anniversary of the battle of Borodino (lest we forget) except that anniversary would have been 4 years ago ... ah well.
Napoleon's forces against the Russians, the deadliest day of the Napoleonic Wars. 250,000 troops and 70,000 causalities .... this movie/documentary was bound to be EPIC!!!!!

Like Saving Ryan's Privates I was bound to see dazed soldiers holding their own limbs or shell shocked troops in fetal positions while the grape shot exploded all around them killing their comrades with horses falling to their deaths sending the riders flying .... who doesn't like seeing horses getting killed. 

Both sides were exhausted and the Russians withdrew from the field. Without a clear victory the French retreated from Moscow so the Russians claimed a victory though not really. As like Hitler the Russian winter wins their battles for them.

I settled doon with my new external DVD player as me laptop DVD died years ago from porn overdose.

Sure it was in subtitles but that was fine. What I got was something like Roman Polanski's camp slap stick vampire movie with The Three Musketeers and Robin Hood. A dodgy song turned up when the action started. Good sword fighting though not a drop of blood to be seen. The 250,000 men turned into a cast of about 30. Like the Sharpe TV show they no doubt switched hats to appear as the other side when needed as the uniforms looked strikingly all the same.

    
The three honourable Polish lancers with some young bloke that they decided could join them because he could fight like fuck ..... musket balls only hit our heroes when the plot needed it and one guy fought with 2 sabres because one is never enough. Can I hold my sword sideways like a gangsta?

They were all like Terence Hill, crappy actors that do tons of stunts. I wonder if these were stuntmen forced into acting as that is never good to watch. There was running across the the tops of horses and loads of nut crushing leaps onto saddles.
The battle of Borodino looked more like an unimportant skirmish with slo-mo explosions, you wouldn't have known that it was a major battle. 

There was a tavern scene with Friar Tuck  Porthos  totally goosing a serving wench, his fingers were right up in that crack as she unsuspectingly passed him by. Everyone laughed cos back then sexual harassment was enjoyable, unlike the PC werld of today. 

Being in a tavern also means a bar fight ... right? 

 You love it bitch!

The fat lancer used a leg of lamb as a weapon in between bites of it and when they fought near a wench they stopped to snog her and she was grateful because back then weemen weren't offended by inappropriate sexual behaviour and were all asking for it.   

 
No Shorty, I don't if it's yer birthday, we are not celebrating like it's yer birthday. I shall not drink while Justin Bieber is on the ye olde juke of earl box. Put Kayne West on so I can bust some moves. 

The evil bad guy double agent in the story had a midget bodyguard .... aye cos tiny people can really fight huh. I would have liked to have seen his back story evolved and see how he came to be the toady of the bad guy. 
Maybe his father was an evil henchman and so to seek his approval he became one too .... ach what a sad tale, seeking yer parents approval will never make you happy and parents are just cunts that can't be pleased.

 
Napoleon was in the movie a little but the plot became less and less about Borodino and about stopping Naploeon from taking the Russian Queen's crown and giving it to Marie Louise, Napoleon's second wife after he divorced Josephine. 
It was a very expensive crown but more importantly would not be good for morale if the French had it. Fuck the war, death and conquest, the crown is vitally important. 
 

 Napoleon sure dated out of his league. 

There was also a hot Polish lass with a comedy side kick hand maiden. She was hot at times and just odd the rest of the time, a fine love interest for D'Artagnan who was fairly odd looking himself. 

    

No one told the hot chick to not stare at the camera .... fine acting.  I must do a Google search to see if she has been in any pornos ..... don't tell me that you don't do the same thing.

Who the fuck are you, Florence Nightingale? she wasn't even born yet.  

D'Artagnan got wounded and was found by pure chance by the hot chick who knew how to stop wounds from becoming infected, ahead of her time going by how quickly he recovered. 

His was the only time a hero was hit by a bullet (really lead balls) and the only time I saw blood .... The story went like: You have a wounded enemy soldier in yer bed with whom you've fallen in love with even though you know nothing about him and oh no, yer French soldier fiancee is about to turn up and barge in demanding yer answer to his marriage proposal he made in a letter that you didn't read and you'll say yes by accident because you don't know what he asked .... awkward!  

Best to have a ball and pass off Caitlyn D'Artagnan as a woman ... he was strangely very comfortable with this by the way.

 

It all escalated very quickly with yet another chase and big fight scene and for some reason the evil bad guy decided to force the hot chick to marry him in a Robin prince of thieves moment. 

Is she like the only decent looking chick in the cuntry or something? I suppose there 'is' a war on for fucks sake.

The Foley artist on this film should have gotten an Oscar with the amount of swish swish clang clang there was with all the sword play, maybe they weren't white or something. 

  

A thing they don't mention about the battle of Borodino is the fight scene in the tower.

 

Which led to the famous battle of Borodino hot air balloon fight scene to rescue the hot chick and the crown.

You should always check that the villain is dead as sometimes they get killed then come back to life with a lit candle and light the fuses of the box of explosives you have in yer balloon causing you to jump from a great height into a pond.

So romantic!

As the three watch the couple snog in the pond after leaping from a balloon before it exploded they talk about their plans. Fatso has some serving wench rape in mind.

Oh you guys!

Star Wars moment. While I am surprised that movies like this are still getting made I am not surprised that Napoleon lost with men like this against him. If you want to learn about the battle of Borodino that the Russians didn't even win but think they did then don't watch this film.

A cold dejected Napoleon finds out that he only has vodka to drink as he makes his way back to France. The last scene of the movie has the lancers in pursuit of him. Damn I hope they make a sequel. Napoleon's war: 1812 .. 2, shit just got real. 

Old Knudsen Reviews Left Behind

Though it hasn't stopped many from saying they do know ... humans are such arrogant creatures.

Old Knudsen watched the Nicolas Cage movie Left Behind, why? you may ask .... so you don't have to. A re-boot of the 2000 movie staring Bible thumper and ghey hater Kirk Cameron. Just think, Nicolas Cage has gone from Oscar winner Nicolas 'fucking' Cage to Rotten Tomato winner Kirk Cameron, I blame meth.... and maybe the parents.

Duck Dynasty's  pretend redneck Willie Robertson was a producer of the film and thinks that Atheists will watch a Nicolas Cage movie and then be converted. While Old Knudsen isn't an Atheist (he believes that many gods exist ... as many as mankind can imagine) he was not converted to Christianity, in fact seeing the power of this God has convinced him that we need to do a preemptive strike before he commits terrorist attacks on American soil.    

That is the slack jawed confused look of an Oscar winner. 

The story, surprise surprise is about the Rapture .... The Rapture? A term coined in the 1800's when good Christians will all fly up to Heaven during the End of days, yes they will be rescued by the mothership. According to this movie all the children go to Heaven .... huh? Children are cruel wee selfish cunts why do they get saved? 

Well actually the Rapture is really a cull of morons and noisy brats so well done God.  

Since the beginning of recorded history it has always been the End of days or End Times, like how the Daily Express keeps promising the coldest winter in history every other week.

Cage is an airline pilot whose wife has taken to religion and so he kinda looks to other women for comfort which doesn't surprise his daughter as played by Cassi Thomson. It was to be High School Musical star Ashley Tidsdale and her name does appear in some of the posters for it but no, we got a total nobody.

The daughter doesn't believe in God because he lets all these cuntish things happen. She meets her true love in the airport, a guy who is a TV reporter who covers natural disasters said that people ignore all sorts of bad stuff in order to believe in what suits them ... or the truth as he called it. Like the woman whose family got washed away by yon big Tsunami but she and her baby were spared, she fell to her knees and thanked God, then the next day she was killed in a mudslide ... that was the cheery story he told. Where is yer God now lol.

While Cage was called into fly to London on his birthday the daughter goes off home as she is visiting from college. She is the one who brings up religion which all her ma needs to start preaching to her. 

 Duck shagger Lea Thompson plays the mother, ducks aren't covered in the Bible. 

The daughter goes off to the mall with her younger brother while Cage flirts with the insanely hot air stewardess.   

Tea .... coffee? 

Why does Old Knudsen always get the woman with the pinned back hair, ton of makeup on which shows she isn't aging well or some camp sounding dude?  

Cage is so ghey!

People vanish on the plane and they go nuts, luckily Cage is a cunt and depressurizes the plane to make them behave and put their oxygen masks on. Another plane sans pilot nearly crashes into them so it's lucky that Cage flirts otherwise he'd be in Heaven. 

Meanwhile on Earth the daughter sees the worst of humanity. 

No not the black people in Ferguson. While those cunts will riot and loot because a petty criminal gets shot by a cop it takes white people to have a Rapture before they riot ... I bet not many from Ferguson got beamed up to Heaven.  

The daughter then decides to believe after seeing that her local pastor didn't get lifted up either. See what to do God? Just make some magically shit happen and you'll get more converts, for an all knowing deity you are really pretty fucking dumb at times. 

The plane is full of evil doers such as an angry midget who bets, an English chick who does drugs and a Muslim. An elderly woman with Alzheimer's gets left behind also, while her husband vanished. Wow God must really hate that bitch. 

A nerd suggests that they went through a wormhole or the people are just invisible and the midget searches the Muslim's bag for a bomb. I just want to congratulate the makers of this movie for showing a realistic section of society. 

  I just want to see the midget bang the hottie. 

This is a really dumb movie, unlike the TV show The Leftovers which left behind those who resented others in their relationships and families when they should have been loving them. There is also better acting in the TV show than in this movie.   

The action climaxes into a low on fuel, all airports are blocked kinda thing. The daughter must clear a road for the plane to land. It lands and just stops before it hits a tanker of explosive milk or something.   

Cage gets no love from the air stewardess after she finds out he's married, the daughter gets back with the guy she met at the airport and they say, 'this is only the beginning' Gawd I prayer there isn't a sequel. 

The old dear with  Alzheimer's probably just wanders off to be raped and killed by some looters. 

So in order to get yerself Raptured, ignore reason and just blindly believe, God may kill thousands in a flood and may try to kill you but that is only because he loves you. All kids under the age of 18 get Raptured, even if they believe or not so don't bother with the silly crap until yer 18.     

If you don't get Raptured then it isn't God, it's you, you just didn't believe hard enough.

 

Cleanskin

Seriously, a movie called Cleanskin.

A man on the edge out for revenge,  Bruce Willis  ..... Anal Itching.    Then you can have Anal Itching 2 .... out for blood. 

No Doubt

Have all the readers gone yet? Good.

No Doubt

A story inspired by a true rumour on a restroom wall of a tough New York priest burnt out and on the edge and sick of the establishment. He wants to bugger weemen not young boys.

Tempted by Jazzabell (as played by Stefani) Father Errol Flynn (Old Knudsen) gives in and puts his mortal soul in jeopardy by wearing a cock flavoured condom during the 12 minute bum sex scene.

Meryl Streep plays Sister Aloysius Beaver has long lusted over Father Flynn and still has the unborn evil fetus from their drunken one night stand four years ago inside her body.

The demon fetus tells Beaver to kill Jazzabell and then straps Father Flynn to a bed and breaks his legs.

Without giving too much of the plot away Jazzabell's spirit returns and hilarity ensues. Fun for all the family.


Old Knudsen was nominated for a Golden Knob for best Fenian but it was an error and his name was taken off. He says it was the toughest role of his career and even had his eyes surgically made closer to look like a priest. Emersing himself into the role he'd drink for days and be aggressive and vulgar to all.

The sexual tension between Knudsen and a jar of raw liver will be talked about well after this one goes to DVD.

Everybody Stay Cool This Is A Shrubbery.