Zouave Not Suave

 

 Shut up or I'll stick you bitches!

When I was fighting as a mercenary during the American civil war .... which they just call "civil war" the same way as they call American football  poofy rugby "football" even though they don't use their feet but I'm no talking about the intellect of the bloody colonials but between you and me, I reckon it isn't just Flint Michigan that has drinking water full of lead, test Arizona, Texas and Florida for fucks sake.        

Anyways I was fighting for money and the joy of ending lives but I could have been fighting for freedom like my fellow soldier was .... aye the freedom for the wealthy to be able keep slaves, aye sure enough I didn't get paid and in true Scottish fashion I did indeed switch sides when we started to lose.

 Well I think we look fucking class even if we can't button up our jackets.



At the first battle of Bull Run we kept getting attacked by blokes dressed as clowns, General 'Rockgarden' Jackson  even shouted, "Hold On Boys! Here come those red legged devils again" .... that referred to the 14th Regiment New York State Militia or the 14th Brooklyn.


It was embarrassing shooting at fellas like that. If you were going to die and come back as a ghost would you pick and outfit like that to spend eternity in?

They were later known as the first or Eastern Iron Brigade .... probably due to their nicely ironed uniforms.

The First Battle of Bull Run, or as we called it 'Manassas' was the first major battle in the American civil war fought on 21st July 1861 near Washington DC.  It was a Confederate victory ... as was the second battle there in 1862.

 

Why the ghey outfits? .... they look worse than Loyalist flute bands ffs. Well in the civil war there were many outfits as folks got what they had at home, you had Northerners in grey and Southerners in blue, it was all over the place.
The dark blue jacket, sky blue pants are what you think of when you think Union troops. Notice the chevrons on his arm? He's a Corporal in the infantry. Blue was infantry, red, artillery and yellow was cavalry which is why John 'never served in the military' Wayne had yellow stripes down his pants ... and maybe one up his back. 
  

The red gheylords were called Zouave regiments, these were light infantry that ran in loose formation and loaded their rifles while laying on their backs (to avoid getting shot) they were based on French soldiers in Northern Africa .... the Americans loved the French then and still do but only when they get attacked by terrorists because we still haven't forgotten the Freedom Fries.  

The Union had 70 volunteer Zouave regiments while the south had 25. The most famous Zouaves came from New York and Pennsylvania and can still be seen during Remembrance day parades in New York. The Zouave uniforms were seen as a symbol of elitism due to the reputation of the soldiers that fought in Europe and Africa and if yer regiment did well you'd be rewarded by the top brass with bright red clown pants and a fez.

After a while 'because there's a fucken war on' it was difficult to get MC Hammer pants so the Zouave regiments got the usual blue ones and no more turbans or fez's by the end of the war. 

Even with the ridiculous pantaloons the North won which was ok as Mexicans work harder than the coloureds anyways so slavery wasn't that great .... is that ok to say without sounding racist?   

Abe gets a bit of color. 

It's Lincoln's birthday on Friday. Abe liked reading the Bible, Shakespeare and poetry such as the shite written by Robert Burns.... Wow, he had really bad taste in literature, ach not like there was much good shit like my blog back then.

He didn't like farm werk and disliked killing animals, he was very upset after having shot a turkey during a hunt .... what a wuss, dry yer eyes stretch. His infant brother died as did his sister and his mother died in front when he was 9 so maybe he just had a thing about death, can't really blame him. He later lost 3 sons to illness so probably wasn't much fun to be with at parties.

He died in 1865 at the age of 54 after being assassinated by the coward John Wilkes Booth who was also shot in the head by a soldier that ignored the whole bring him back alive order .... ain't karma a bitch.

The Truth About Area 51

I first became aware of Area 51 in 1946, that was the year before they found the crashed space ship from the faction who foolishly rebelled against our present Overlords. I was working with our newly found allies the Nazis on a program that would take famous people from history and reproduce them today.

Why would anyone do that? Well wouldn't it be great if the world had another Lincoln or Gandhi? Yeah maybe not Gandhi, he was a bit too radical with all that talk of peaceful protest, who the fuck gets anywhere with peaceful protest? ... Yeah well they did get the British out of India the ungrateful bastards, the next time we'll let the Japs get through Burma, then you'll be sorry.

We were able to dig Abraham Lincoln up and with Nazi know how and technology from the Greys we made a copy. Did he rise to power after being given the best education possible? .... Nope he just couldn't be bothered and looked just too odd.

 John Kerry challenges Hilary Clinton to an arm wrestle ... he lost.

Wildcard George Washington got a second go as John Kerry. Who would have guessed that a failed soldier and famous traitor to the crown would be such a useless, dithering Secretary of State ?

Honest Abe wasn't as great as everyone says he was, sure he stopped the US from being over run by vampires but he was a bit of an egomaniac and tyrant worse than Obama or Bush have ever been .... not a crime, I'm just sayin like.

 

A math teacher who got fired when things didn't add up. 

After a failed career in teaching, Lincoln got a small office in the Pentagon and became a presidential adviser.
If you think that the things the US government does now are doon to Bush or Obama then think again.
Lincoln had his own Guantanamo, known as Camp Douglas, 1862 - 1865 the camp was intended to hold 6,000 Civil war prisoners but went on to hold 12,000. Not enough food, they fed prisoners rotting meat. Diseases like smallpox and malaria were pretty common and freezing conditions killed many. The rag heads at Gitmo should count their blessings, the Civil war POW's would have loved bacon with every meal.

Obama often speaks with Lincoln and never fails to mention in the media what an inspiration he was to him. However the Emancipation Proclamation only happened if he was to get the credit for it, one of his Generals declared thousands free when he took over South Carolina, Florida, and Georgia but Lincoln reversed that until he was good and ready some months later. Remember when you were told that you were free? .... Just kidding!

Lincoln also wanted rid of the blacks in America, free them sure but don't live near me. He really pushed for them to get shipped off  to remote colonies and saw smallpox and starvation as only little problems of this plan.

He really hated Native Americans and did one of the biggest land grabs in history kicking out the Navajos and Mescalero Apaches, forcing them to march 450 miles to a reservation/death camp so he could have New Mexico .... the railway was more important, see the Pacific Railway Act of 1862 .

Of course taking over and controlling the media isn't original, Lincoln had the military take over some main newspapers in 1864. During war anything goes, A Democrat who criticized Lincoln was arrested and deported to the south .... fuck yer free speech.   

He suspended habeas corpus which is the government having a reason for detaining someone ... sounds like the Patriot act to me.

History is repeating itself but it's not because of a lack of knowledge of it, it's because it's what we do and it's new to us. 

You can't blame the clone of course, a different environment growing up will produce a very different person but don't be so quick to dismiss genetics. Some people will be the same no matter what.

Another experiment we did was with Hitler. What if we prevented him from being a vegetarian and Austrian, would he have been so evil then?  When the US recruited many former Nazis into it's science programs we had the contacts we needed to convince Adolf (who was living in Argentina) to provide us with um, man custard material. 

He provided 2 pints of home made yogurt for the benefit of mankind. We had so many Hitlers that we just put them out for adoption.

Our best result was Dave from Leeds, a factory worker who lends his time to the next generation as a scout leader and who also enjoys the odd Big Mac or two with his grand kids.

We really did think that being a vegetarian was what caused the Holocaust but Dave insists that everything in the world can be solved by getting rid of the immigrants and going back to good old family values which he really believes in hence his three marriages.

Yes, Dave did vote UKIP and demonstrates that he certainly isn't a racist as the media have portrayed UKIP by protesting at his local Sainsbury's against selling Israeli friendly products.

"I'm not a racist, I'm just proud to be a white Englishman in God's chosen nation. The English people happen to be white, hey I didn't make up the rules, God did."

He is currently writing a book about his life which has been deeply affected by the British Boy Scout movement, look for it in the shops it's called My Camp.


What I have told you here is top secret and it the truth. Shady government agencies may try to discredit me by saying I'm a drunk, a drug addict, a rapist, a pedo, a murderer, mentally unstable ... don't believe them, well ok you can believe some of it maybe 98% but that doesn't mean I'm not a nice person when you get to know me or that all of this isn't true. 

As Lee Harvey Oswald said, "I'm just a patriot" aye they changed it to patsy and had him killed to shut him up. I still have his head which upon occasion comes back to life and tells me secrets, he told me who used microwaves to pop JFK's head and he doesn't like the X-Factor, he says that  Simon Cowell is creepy, when he's right he's right.