Andrew Jackson True American Hero

I cannot tell a lie I did cut down that tree ... got a fucken problem with that? 

Andrew Jackson is in the news again. No they have not released a Jackson 5 greatest hits. He has been tagged. A historical tag. In a Spongebob ep Patrick Star said that if you have a famous ancestor then that takes the pressure off you to achieve anything.  It's like that, compare yourself to the hero of the Battle of New Orleans and people will love you by proxy. That's Donald Trump's hope.

A brief history of Jackson. His parents came from Northern Ireland so he was fully stocked up on the stubborn gene. 

His Da died at the age of 29 just 3 weeks before Jackson was born. During the Revolutionary war his older brother Hugh died from heat exhaustion after a battle. Andrew and his other brother Robert became couriers but were captured. 

       

They were made to clean boots and were used as cum buckets by the British officers. When Andrew used his teeth during a blow job an officer struck him with a sword. 

During their captivity they were starved and contracted smallpox and Robert died. His mother put out for the troops and got Andrew released. She volunteered as a nurse on two prison ships full of prisoners of war and after an outbreak of cholera she died.  

An orphan at 14. For some reason after all of this Andrew had a seething hatred of the British ... we'll probably never know why. 

Not on good terms with his extended family he lived with various people, learning to make saddles and studying the law. To make extra money he worked as a porn actor under the name of Old Hickory because his wood was so hard. When he became a lawyer he bought a slave and fought a duel with another lawyer that offended him ...  like you do.

He worked as a lawyer buying and selling Cherokee and Chickasaw land under the 'land grab' act of 1783. Then he ran for Senate, bought a plantation that grew cotton and became a Colonel in the  Tennessee militia because while he was just a captured teenage courier in the army he was also a rich elite slave owner with a temper.  Perfect officer material. 

Jackson had a hard on to kill the British and during the war of 1812 he got to do so. In fact he got to kill everyone. He believed the Spanish worked to arm the Native Americans for the British who paid them for each enemy scalp taken. Jackson kicked Brit, Diego and Injun butt. 

After the war he fought the Seminole and Creek Indians and prevented Spain from making their territories in Florida a refugee for runaway slaves. Spain eventually sold their Florida land. 

Jackson a national hero and feared by many as he was quick to execute ran for president. The campaign against John Quincy Adams was a nasty one. Lock him up, build a stockade and drain the marsh were often heard shouted at Jackson rallies. 

Jackson was attacked for being a slave owner and the dishonest media accused Jackson's wife Rachel of bigamy ... which was true but still ... how dare you!

His wife became ill and died of a heart attack 3 weeks after Jackson was elected. Jackson believed those that accused her brought on her death.

Melania recently won a case against the Daily Mail when it suggested she worked as an escort. Things change and things stay the same.  

Jackson didn't put politicians into his cabinet but instead chose businessmen ... who does that sound like? 

Well that cabinet failed and there was a big scandal about the Secretary of War's wife being a prostitute. Most resigned or were fired. In his time Jackson made  70 treaties with Native American tribes as well as a policy of Indian removal from tribal lands. When gold was discovered on Cherokee land he forced them out to Oklahoma on the Trail of tears which killed up to 4,000 Cherokee. 

The Cherokee had won the right in court to stay on their land but fuck em eh. 

The irony that Jackson fought to abolish the Electoral College has to be recognized.  That was how Trump managed to get elected even though Hillary Clinton had more than 2.86 million more votes than he had. 

While Jackson loved the south he imposed high tariffs which put the hurt on cotton growers, his overall love was for a strong Union. Later he lowered the trade tariffs but it wasn't enough. He had to send warships to Charleston harbor and threatened to hang any man who worked for secession of the southern states. 

South Carolina as the President declared, stood on "the brink of insurrection and treason" he denied the right of secession and signed a bill saying he'd use military force to keep the Union. 

He fought against big banks, namely one that was started up to help the country after the war of 1812. Jackson said it had too much foreign investment and was corrupt so he fixed it by removing federal money ... so 5 years of one of the worse recessions in US history. 

It was an unemployed house painter who tried to kill Jackson but his two pistols misfired. He blamed Jackson for the loss of his job. Legend has it that Jackson tried to beat him with his cane. The would be assassin was found to be insane and spent the rest of his life in an asylum

In his time the abolition of slavery started to become a talking point. Texas broke off from Mexico and became a Republic. He fought between 10 -100 duels, owned 300 slaves in his lifetime and 51 at the time of his death.    

He died aged 78 from tuberculosis, dropsy, syphilis, bad acne and heart failure. He stated his two main regrets in life was that he didn't get to shoot a certain senator and hang a former Vice President. 

Yeah he was a bitter ol cunt and his Scots/Irish blood no doubt made him to ornery to die. A war hero ... yeah he was good at killing people and using fear to keep everyone else in line. He called martial law once and attacked Spain who the US wasn't even at war with, he gave no fucks.

     

He now overlooks every decision and tweet made by number 45 and thinks, 'who the fuck is this ass clown?' a rich pampered corrupt draft dodger. He'd have no respect for Trump what so ever. Trump talks big but once he started to talk about grabbing pussies in the presence of Jackson he'd be cane whipped and challenged to a duel. 

Jackson was a tosser but ever since his wife was accused of bigamy and his Secretary of War's wife had her honor questioned ... well he just refused to accept anything bad said about a lady, even if it was true. 

Trump said that Jackson saw the civil war coming and wasn't happy. He also said that if Jackson had lived a tad later he'd have managed to stop it from happening. 

Jackson was more worried about the British trying to invade again if Texas was annexed. He avoided the slavery issue in case it gave the British a way to weaken the Union. Going by his previous actions he would have done the same a Lincoln and sent warships. While Jackson was from Tennessee he wouldn't have let any cunt break up his Union and so would have sided with the north. 

Push comes to shove he wouldn't have compromised. A stubborn Ulster cunt like him would have said "NO" and killed all round him. Luckily no one felt as if they could test him on this issue.  He avoided the break up of the Union and got to keep his slaves. 

The only option in the civil war was to abolish slavery and that had to be done by force and to keep the south from seceding which was the main reason for the civil war. 

Trump's version of history is pretty poor considering he had the best education money could buy, guess you can take a horse to water but you can't make him think. 

    Jackson hated everything British but Loyalist idiots in Belfast put him on a mural

Jackson adopted three sons, 2 were Native American but died of illness and I doubt he was a very hands on father. Trump is only hands on with his daughter.

Jackson is Trump's hero and someone Trump could never be but he'd like to be. Maybe it's the slave owning bit. He is nothing like Jackson at all except they used people and saw them as property.

Oh Jackson was just a product of his time you can't judge him today ... um plenty of people back then knew slavery was wrong so wise up. He was supposed to be a Christian too.

Now he'd be classed as a white supremacist, hey I can't be racist look at my adopted sons ... yeah sure I committed Indian genocide but still, I let the boys into the main house sometimes.I have a big heart!

Like Trump, how could he be a racist he knows Ben Carson and Mike Tyson. Lets settle for bigoted asshole. 

Yet again we learn even more about the useless 45th President when he speaks off script and shares his knowledge, or lack of.