Monday, 1 August 2016

I Didn't Choose The Old Life, It Chose Me

Why isn't the channel changing?

Why Old Bitter Balls, why Old Knudsen? .... because I'm fucken old ya battery licking moron. I've been old for some time now but I won't let age slow me down, except when getting around and peeing of course.

Old Knudsen's mind is as sharp as ever. He was just saying the other day, "stop mocking me ya auld cunt and answer me, where is the aisle with the Mexican food'?  turns out I had forgotten I was in the Tesco restroom and was looking in the mirror. Those mirrors are very life like so hardly my fault.

You'd think they'd have the Mexican stuff with the Polish and Sushi stuff in the foreigner aisle.

As the song goes, 'it takes you all night to do what you used to do all night.'

 I only sleep 3 hours a night, the rest of the time I'm thinking about embarrassing things that happened 30 years ago. 

Things that young people don't think about when they age.

When hot chicks smile and talk to you it's because it's either their job (cashier or hooker) or they like yer dog and see you as a non-threatening old dude rather than a virile sexual animal they'd like to shag. 

When you go to the barber you no longer get a # one back and sides and getting an all over shave is an option except that you'd look like a shiny potato. 

The Barber now trims yer eyebrows. That never happened when I was younger. 

Toe nails become so sharp you can use them as weapons or to open boxes with. 

You knee yerself in the nuts because yer nuts are hanging doon to yer knees.  

Bowel movements are like Christmas to kids. You look forward to them and sometimes you get a good one that you enjoy but mostly they are disappointing and not what you wanted. All yer left with is a mess to clean up. 

Christmas itself is like an elimination game to see who has died over the last year ... more turkey for me. 

No one remembers yer birthday .... so it's no good asking them when it is. I think it's May sometime or is that my brother?  

Pills take the place of breakfast. Yer usually too full to eat anything after taking all yer meds. 

Hairs grow everywhere but yer head. They also grow twice as fast as head hair. 


Skin tags become a thing. They always grow in a place not very easy to get to and cutting them off is something you have to think about.  Uninvited nipples have to go!

That everyday morning boner becomes a 'hey I'm not getting up, you can but I'm staying put, it's way too early' thing. 

Young hot chicks suddenly become stupid young people. You'd still shag them but you wouldn't thank them for it. Especially if they don't know how to make a cup of tea afterwards.

Sexual rejection gets met with a shrug, you keep trying even though it would likely kill you but hey, it's how I roll. 

You become the previous generation. Music, Pokemon, dress sense I don't get it .... must be stoopid. 

You think that yer childhood outside with just a pointed stick to play was was far superior than being on those tiny computers things everyone has in their pockets. Young people should be outside getting exercise and skin cancer, not indoors gaming and typing at speed with their thumbs .... how come my thumbs don't hit the right buttons? 

You think young people should be put into the military because getting belittled, bullied and raped builds character. 

You become less patient because people just repeat the same old shit you've heard before but it's new to them. 
Yes I've heard that argument and opinion, we did the same thing before you were born. You have the fucken Internet, look it up. 

It's not that you are undiplomatic, you just don't care anymore. Oh is that what you think about me? I could destroy you by pointing out why you think that and what yer issues are that you haven't addressed are but life is short you you are nothing to me .... besides I already know yer response of anger and denial, been there done that.     

You don't fear death because a rest might be nice, you just hope it's after the next season of The Walking Dead and Vikings. 

You feel like you have a hangover without drinking. 

Yer blackouts become more worrying that you have to check the news in yer area for murders.... that might be just me. 

You may not be able to open a jar of pickles as easily as you once could even though you now have all this 'old man strength' at yer disposal. 

Yer old and might need help getting up and about but if the smoke detector goes off yer up like a shot to kill it.

You walk very slowly to annoy people behind you ... yes, we do that. 

You also pay for things with pennies because it's all money, sorry for holding up the line, I'm old ya know. 

You don't notice hear or feel it when you fart .... until you feel something wet. 

 Moose Knuckle for the win!

You obviously can no longer wear yer trendy white troosers. 

The thermostat in yer home is set to 'Global warming' but you open the doors and windows to get some air on nice days. 

You aren't sure if it's a heart attack or if it's reading her heating bill. 

Ach it's not all warts and wet farts, the best thing about being old is playing the dementia card if caught shop lifting or peeking into changing rooms. 

Enjoy yer twilight years, being young sucked. Never trust anyone under 40 and never believe anyone over. 
 

 

2 comments:

k said...

well fuck.

Old Knudsen said...

Don't worry, you've still got at least a couple more years until the wet farts and the eyebrow hair become a thing.