Monday, 29 August 2016

Got Droids?

A long time ago in a galaxy far far ..... well it was quite far away, you get the idea. I was a young man who wanted to travel the werlds and meet new people and subject them to the rule of the Empire.

The Empire was a vast socialist movement that wanted rid of the pampered monarchs that wanted the rule the people and lizard like things etc. The Empire had universal healthcare that was universal ... literally. It had a good education system and free university but the royalists wanted their inbred princess to rule, we called her followers Rebel scum. Now that I'm older I regret the rebel shaming  but back in those days tempers were high and our socialist Emperor Bernie Corbyn wanted them destroyed as the fuckers refused to pay more tax being royalty an all. 

   Cum at me space bro!

When I went to these various mining colonies and outposts looking for droids people would say, "aren't you a little short to be a Storm Trooper?"  with a sneer on their faces, I'd reply "aren't you a little fat to be a super model?" or "aren't you a little ugly to be on anything other than radio?"

People were mean to us, they'd point and say 'look a droid!' ... just kidding it's yer Ma. We were always looking for droids for fucks sake, slippery wee things. Those helmets don't help either, once I arrested a trash can by mistake. 


Storm Troopers aren't the best ya know. After the failed cloning project they more or less hired anyone. Training consists of a day of learning to search for droids, 6 weeks of marching and 3 hours of blaster training. That was cut to one hour after too many recruits were getting shot by accident ... those things are dangerous. 

White gear, they must be sending me to Hoth or somewhere with snow.  

So I got my E11 triple slide 4 speed particle beam energy blaster. It had a scope that was set on the side to ensure that you didn't hit anything. Emperor Bernie Corbyn wanted to promote a more caring fascist socialist Empire. 
So after destroying Alderaan because it was in the way of a space motorway we were sent to the forests of Endor to crush the Rebel scum miscreants. 

We touched down and barely had time for a brew up before we were off to kills some Rebels. Princess Leia Orgasma was there mounting a defense, I preferred her sister Pippa who had a really nice arse. 

  Werk that inbred arse. 

As we were marching off to die fight, the Shadow Troopers were sniggering at us. They are dressed in cool black and could cloak, then I realised we were dressed in bright white gear in a fucken forest. I could only hope that the Rebels were also so easy to see too. Thanks Emperor, might as well paint a target on us too. 

White was found to be less intimidating by a focus group on how to make the Empire more likable. 

 Don't move or I'll use this sex toy on yer Endor ... lol! But seriously, you seen any droids? 

Reasons why things are seen: Shape, Shine, Surface, Silhouette .... or dressed in fucken white paintball motocross gear. 

So the Shadow Troopers blended in, the Scouts drove about on speeder bikes and we grunts walked in formation. 

My squad were attacked by some Rebels but we fended them off thanks to an AT- ST. We got to make plenty of Han Solo wanking on yer own jokes at that smuggler dude. How does he have sex? With his han solo .... lol! Yeah he was a good looking cool guy, we hated the fucker. I bet he even tapped yon ugly princess. Not that I'd say no but again, her sister ... way better. 

Then Barry my mate saw this line across the path and he pulled on it. Giant spikes came swinging doon and Barry was no more. A ton of fucken cute teddy bears came charging at us, we laughed abd said how Squee, they they started ripping us apart. 

  Poor Barry ... lest we forget. 

It was horrible. I don't know how I survived. I fired at them (shooting two of my buddies) and seeing the carnage I panicked and ran. I could run faster than our squad leader so when they got him and ripped him apart with their teeth I had enough time to escape, also I tripped up Harry on the way past so I had plenty of time for my brave retreat. 

I still can't walk past a 'Build a bear' shop without having flashbacks. The transport off Endor was full of shaking crying Storm Troopers, the Shadow Troopers were missing in action, they were cloaked and then we couldn't remember where we sent them. Still no bloody droids though, do droids even exist? 

 Yer son called, he has a Father's Day surprise for you.

Luckily I got the news that I'd be transferred to the Death Star (just a name as Big Ball was taken) there would be no evil teddy bears there, I'd be safe unless I pissed off Vader that is, years of steroids gave him a bit of a temper and having no willy too, that would make anyone testy so to speak .... He was a vet so you have to respect him. Sure he killed a load of children but past is past. 

He would force fondle female trooper's boobies so a bit of a jerk ... but again a vet so blame PTSD eh. 

We'd call him Derp Vader behind his back as his robotic legs made him trip all the time, but we did it out of respect and very quietly in case we incurred his droid rage.

I looked out a space window of the transport ship and saw the Death Star sitting there in the empty blackness of space. Nothing could get me out here. I was to guard the thermal exhaust port which is the weakness built into all Death Stars just for the lolz ... as if anything was going to come in through that lol.   


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