Tuesday, 22 March 2016

Let The Mole Do The Acting

Exodus: When white men collide.  

Old Knudsen's self loathing is great but it does have limits. I did buy and watch Exodus gods and kings and wasn't put off by the poor reviews, how shite it looked or the bad punctuation in the title. Star Trek into darkness and me blog have poor punctuation and they never not fail to educate and entertain. 

Yeah well I decided that going to bed and skipping to the end was the best course of action but I sat through most of it until I really needed to pee. 
No one can hold out under torture indefinitely, that was the first thing taught to me during my resistance to irrigation interrogation training. I laughed at bamboo splinters under me finger nails and I chuckled when they tore those nails off but after 20 minutes of American Idol auditions I was screaming and crying like a baby .... THOSE SONGS DON'T SOUND LIKE THAT .... THAT WERD HAS 3 SYLLABLES, HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET 10 OUT OF IT? 

In the 1930's I went into a jazz club and said what is this shite? Thus the name scat has stuck to the shoe of jazz ever since and that method of singing is still scat. 

Christian Bale was mesmerizing as Mosses .... no, not his acting, that has just gone down hill since Empire of the sun. That giant mole on his nose inside his eye, I couldn't stop watching it. Yes they did removed it in the movie posters. This blog even got tons of hits because of it and has the Austin powers mole joke clip.

Rachel Nichols the green chick in the Star Trek reboot and Kira in Continuum had a mole under her right eye. It made the show worth watching. She played a time traveler who was a mole in the police dept but after a couple of seasons she had it removed which is crazy as her time traveling flashbacks then didn't make sense .... all credibility was lost ... thank you very fucking much.   

In Exodus G&K, Bale is one of the many very white people to play Egyptians. Sometimes I can ignore the historical inaccuracies such as a hump back who just wanted to fight with the Spartans or Braveheart wearing woad paint but this movie just wasn't exiting, you were waiting and hoping for the plagues to happen. 

    We do a training montage and then we'll be good enough to fight the English and or the Persians. 
Blue eyes .... the Egyptians hated blue eyes nearly as much as they hated gingers, maybe they had some Irish over on holiday once, yeah that would do it. News report: Drunken Irish revelers break off the nose of the Sphinx.
If they put those with blue eyes to death than how come Ramses their pharaoh had blue eyes? 

   Wot me? Nah they are grey with a hint of steel mate. 

Priests in ancient Egypt shaved off all their hair to make them go faster (that's why all the baldy sickos say they do it) and to avoid getting lice. There weren't high ranking priestesses, in fact females who found themselves as Pharaoh (cos they killed everyone else off) wore fake beards like the male Pharaohs did cos real ones were too Greek and like really weird. The Egyptians were the first to put the werds weirdy and beardy together.

     Yeah that looks normal. 

Moses would not have had a beard. As well as all the other white dudes and women there was Ewen Bremner from Trainspotting who in a very cleared up Scottish accent explained the plagues just before he was hung hanged. 

  I dinny ken about da frogs, lets deep fry the fockers.  

Ben Kingsley played a sage ol Jew, on his first meeting with Bale he asks in a very cockney British way, 'whose yer fatha?' .... I thought he was going all apples and pears, elephant and castle and saying 'hows yer fatha' ..... so I did a bit of the old hows your father and before you know it I've got a baby in a fucken basket.

Does Kingsley care what roles he does anymore? Michael Caine hasn't for years and when they need a sage black dude they call for Morgan Freeman. 

Sigourney Weaver dresses like that anyways so it saved money on the wardrobe, yes yes yes roles for weemen over 70 I get it, you get what you can. 

Mosses it seems was like William Wallace, he trained up the slaves and they fought against the Egyptians while in hiding. This was not good enough for God. 

 Woops wrong god.

No not him either.

God can't be a dame, that's crazy. 

An old Jewish guy? God is Protestant for fucks sake. 

God as a small white boy ... now yer talking.

So a little boy appeared to Moses (a pedo's fantasy?) and said he needed a General to fight. When the war of attrition wasn't getting fast enough results the immortal god who can be everywhere but only hangs out in the Middle East because "those" people will believe anything said to sit back and watch. Then he let loose some crocs, turned the Nile red and killed the fish, then he brought on frogs, then flies, killed the livestock and gave the people bad skin conditions and then locusts. 

God as a child, like those Star Trek episodes where the almighty alien was a 5000 year-old spoiled child that just wanted to mess with humans.

You'd think that people living in the desert would say, "yay frogs, yay locusts! now we eat like kings" but no, it seems they only ate grain which like the rags "those" people wear is very very flammable. Maybe bread should have a fire safety warning on it. 

Those people was said a lot. The main story arc was Moses letting go of those he had lived with all his life in the lap of luxury to go on to accept durty poor slaves as his people. God (maybe it was an angel) was a bitter wee shite. He'll make the Egyptians suffer and will bring them to their knees because they made the Jews suffer for 400 years. 

You'd better follow that god or he'll really fuck you up with all the frogs and hoppers you can eat. 

 If yer gonna act with a rubber doll then try not to throw it around as it'll move like it's rubber.   

The plagues did the trick and after fast forwarding I saw that Moses decided they were 'his' people and took them off to wander the desert for 40 years because he was a cunt that wouldn't ask for directions. Alexander the Great traveled over the known werld but you get lost in one wee tiny part of it??????  Nomads are fucken mad.

Lets also ignore the fact that the Jews weren't slaves in Egypt but like Trump's 'thousands of Arabs partied during 9/11 in New York'  if you say it enough times you'll eventually get people saying, uh yeah, I remember that too, it was on the news but must have been wiped when more news happened. 

Even Israeli archeologists can't find evidence of a large number of Jews being in Egypt or them settling down anywhere and they want to find proof .... then there were the tombs of the builders that were recently found and that weren't slaves .... awkward! 

So the Jews did fuck all but want the credit?  ... yeah we totally built that shit. Kudos to the real builders, if only someone had mentioned you in one of the few books/scrolls to survive through time. I bet the library in Alexandria that Caesar burned to the ground had 'How I built the Pyramids using large magnets'  by Bert the builder amongst it's 400,000 scrolls.  
 Better not call Saul.

So you had Exodus Gods and Kings .... from the director of Gladiator opening at a measly $24 million with a budget of $140 mil, when you have a flop like that what would happen with a TV show that sounds similar to it and has those people in it?    

Of Kings and Prophets had a good load of swarthy types in the cast with Saul a warrior king as played by the aging Ray Winstone hacking apart various tribes solely on the word of a prophet that speaks to God ... allegedly. 
He told you to slaughter all the Amalekites you fuck wit, what didn't you understand about that? You left the king alive to be paraded through the streets so yer gonna get it .... probably from someone with a name that starts with D ... Daniel, Damien .... it's definitely a D A sort of name, it'll come to me right after I walk doon and slice that king's throat .... if you want something done ffs. 

It was shite because lets face it the Bible (old and new) is a shite story. It only makes sense to tribal warlike people who promote a shepherd to king for killing a big bloke. Ach the Navy SEALs that would be president if that really happened, that's no way to run a nation. 

 Call me Dave.

David was allowed to go off and kill a lion that was killing the local goats so he could cancel out his father's debts, after killing it he was made the royal music man because shepherds are famous for their mad music skillz.   
I don't know how it ends as that show was canceled after two episodes ... I'm so glad I didn't watch the second one.  

 You can't beat tities, knob slicing and midgets. 

Game of Thrones (or Tits and dragons) has made many shows possible but no one wants to see Bible shite because we know what's gonna happen. Sword stories are great but have a story and a budget to back it up oh and some nice tits too .... if not then use men in kilts, people love that shit. 

I hope Ridley Scott and anyone else that white washes the Middle East have learned their lesson, now quit making shite films. If you know yer movie is shite then add some moles to the stars. Oliver Cromwell had moles, what about presenting him as a warrior king that talks to god out to rid the werld of troublesome Irish folk, warts and all.  

'I won't believe in heaven or hell, No saints, no sinners, no devil as well, No pearly gates, no thorny crown,
You're always letting us humans down.
The wars you bring, the babes you drown, Those lost at sea and never found, And it's the same the whole world 'round.
The hurt I see helps to compound, The Father, Son and Holy Ghost, Is just somebody's unholy hoax

And if you're up there you'll perceive, That my heart's here upon my sleeve, If there's one thing I don't believe in

It's you, Dear God' 
~ XTC 


dh said...

... so you did not like it ?

Old Knudsen said...

Noah with Russell Crowe was better and that was as bad as Hitler.