Tuesday, 22 September 2015

Ask Old Knudsen And He Shall Enlighten

You've got a nice ass, reminds me of my daughter's. 

I haven't had an e-mail asking for advice in ages so I was happy to get this one.  

Dear Old Knudson

I'm a long time fan and reader of your blog Old Brittle Balls and I'd like to know what advice you can give me about awkward small talk. 

I often get cornered in a shop or at a bus stop and I'm usually too polite to ignore it so I smile and laugh but inside I'm dying and would like nothing more than to stab them in the face with the Rambo knife I carry in my purse. I hate myself afterwards because I didn't do anything, please help. 

Stabby in Huddersfield  

Dear Stabby

British people like to think they are quaint and charming when they engage a stranger in the street in conversation but the reality is that they are boring and probably lonely for a good reason. 

Try not to think of people who engage in small talk as human though remember there are some silly laws about stabbing people that you may want to read up on. 

When someone says, "It's a blowy day, I heard it'll probably rain later" you are well within your rights to say, "do I look like someone who gives a fuck?" stating the obvious can be like an illness for some, of course it will rain later, at some point. Tell them how you can predict the weather by tasting the droppings from yer cat and how you never leave home until you do, it didn't taste very rainy today. Stating something weird in a serious deadpan manner is an enjoyable past time often employed by the old though anyone at any age can do it if all their fucks have been given.

Then there are the chirpy people. Why are they so chirpy, haven't they been following the refugee crisis that has suddenly just happened from out of nowhere? ... it's an invasion of drug dealing rapists and what's worse is that they are foreign .... all those halal drugs will drive doon the prices of British drugs, you mark my werds, economic collapse for the good white British dealers.  

I take a page from my sister's book. Whenever someone says anything to my sister Jamelica she thinks of what bad things might happen and cuts down yer day with them. "My son is studying for his a-levels" .... "I hear A-level grades have really gone down over the past two years and employers don't value them anymore, not that there are any jobs unless you have a degree, I'm sure he can get a job in KFC or somewhere like that, is his heart ok? I'm always hearing about young men just dropping dead from stress, you actually look a little tired yourself like my uncle just before he died, do you need to sit down?"    

Never tell Jamelica about births or marriages or you'll live to regret it. No one makes small talk with Jamelica now, in fact no one really talks to her at all anymore. Luckily she is ugly, well boring and not rich so what is the point of talking to her?

Fun topics to put people off making small talk. Talk about your sex life in detail, discuss mental health, anal bleaching, dog fighting or cannibalistic desires you have. 



k said...

This is timely Old Knudsen. I was just wishing I had some conversation deflectors at the ready. Thank you. I should have known you would have the answer.

Old Knudsen said...

Yer welcome and though you commented I'm sure that no one will assume that you are Stabby. Just leave the blade at home just in case, I know they are asking for it but the police aren't going to fall for yer cover story so easily next time.