Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Flip And Flop

 Creationism says that Megan Fox's hoo hoo is the work of Satan and is a portal to Hell

Back in 87 Old Knudsen lived a healthier closer to nature lifestyle. This involved the breathing in of burning herbal remedies to relieve the painful memories of war .............. movies such as Platoon and Hamburger hill and also Dirty Dancing but Old Knudsen doesn't want to talk about that.

Old Knudsen also practiced the Mongolian version of yoga called yogurt. A painful back breaking exercise done in a yurt ........ his teacher was named Burt and after some herbal remedies that in itself became very funny.

So I wanted to tell you something that happened one day in good old 1987. Old Knudsen woke up early that day when something outside his bedroom windy made a banging sound. Old Knudsen proceeded in a westerly manner and spied outside......... Ach its just pooping Tom taking a dump, that lad needs more fiber.

It was 2.30pm so might as well start the day. After trying to have a shit himself after being inspired by Tom, Old Knudsen had a protein shake of raw eggs, seaweed, yak's cum and pineapple, yeah disgusting but there was no strawberry left so pineapple would have to do.  

A few stretches like the upper facing dog's body it was out the door for a jog. Doon the block and Old Knudsen's body teased him with the need of a bowel movement, 'no way body ya just going to do a shart ya cannae fool me' thought Old Knudsen the door keeper of fecal dominance ........ Did you know that if you sprint while shitting the laws of gravity will let it drop harmlessly to the ground behind you?  if its solid.

It was going to be one of those days but better out than in.

So while jogging in the Delaware and Raritan canal state park or D&R as we call it Old Knudsen was struck by the complete silence, only the sound of his own footsteps to be heard.  Stopping to look around him his spidey sense tingling like a full bladder he looked with his eyes, he then looked beyond that, feeling the breeze upon his skin the smell of the earth and the trees that lined the way invading his nostrils. Something was odd ......... oh yeah My two dads was on tonight, what a cute amusing show that is. 

Continuing running now thinking about two dudes raising a child a new sound could be heard from behind Old Knudsen. You don't need to do two tours of the Crimea Campaign to know what the sound of danger is. It can be screaming, the noise of walls falling, the East Enders theme tune or in this case a clattering on the asphalt path and a heavy breathing , no not the stiletto wearing flasher again ......... no such luck.

It were modern day living dinosaurs.   Ya know who wouldn't be surprised to see dinosaurs? Jeff Goldblum, schizophrenic people and creationists.  Old Knudsen isn't a lanky alien killing Jew nor are we crazy DIE YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!!! and Old Knudsen certainly is no Gog botherer who tends to get a little bit carried away by the old fairy tales.

The creationists are not right .......... thank fuck!  these dinosaurs were a government funded scheme to recreate dinosaurs by having Ostriches and crocodiles fuck while high on LDS. They look sooooo real.

Around 6,000 years ago Old Knudsen used to outrun these things all the time and in 1987 that was no exception. Shit did I say 6,000 years? ach ya caught me there. Me and Moses had a pack of trained Velociraptors that would hunt doon all those tribes that Gog didn't like and smited them but good.

Saying that out loud does sound a little nuts but its true. Everything changed after yon big footed midget ran off with my precious 9ct sovereign ring to the lands of  Mordor ........ which is the Scottish corruption of the name 'Murder' but it kills tourism if ya call somewhere Murder.

Ballymena, a Northern Ireland town used to be called 'Sheep shagging shit hole' but then changed its name to Ballymena , it still didn't get any tourists and is still known as sheep shagging shit hole but it has lovely shopping.