Monday, 22 June 2009

The Constant Stomper

Old Knudsen is an avid gardener, a constant gardener some might say. Here he is standing in his garden . Viburnum, Pomegranate, Avocado, Ficus, Lantana and some fast growing skinny tree on the left of the picture that smells like skunk if you brush up against it, stray dogs don't like it.

Working in the garden is not work as I enjoy it however there is one thing Old Knudsen enjoys more than gardening, ok if you include torture, sex and torturous sex there are 4 things he enjoys more and the fourth would be stepping on snails.

The edible European Brown Snail or "Escargot" was brought to America in about 1850 to be served in restaurants, of course snails being more intelligent than Americans they escaped, no offense to any slimy, spineless Yanks reading.

Now a pest ............... snails not Americans though a good argument could be made for that, they eats Old Knudsen's seedlings which he doesn't like.

You can hunt snails by following the slime trail they leave, like tiny legless weemen they are, or you can use Old Knudsen methods.

If you get a heavy drop of rain near dark go outside with a torch (flashlight) when its over and the snails will be out and about. You can simulate this by heavy watering.

Why oh why do you kill them Old Knudsen? asks the pathetic tree hugger, "Cos I likes too".

Snails and their naked cousin slugs have homing devices in them from the time when the Pyramid builders The Yorkolons were doing DNA experiments on them. As you all know from Archaeological evidence The Yorkolons raced Gastropods for sport until the recession of 5000 BC and people started buying smaller 4 walled houses instead of giant 3 walled ones.

The head Yorkolon named Gog climbed aboard his mother of a ship Heathen and blasted into space in disgust.
5000 years later Gog's son Reebus came back to Earth but was chased away by blood thirsty Jews who mistook him for an Arab.


Back to snails, you can throw the buggers over walls but they will return, if you stomp them their ghosts may return but yer seedlings will be safe.

Who doesn't like popping a big Pusey spot? (zit) You lie! stepping on snails gives you a crunch and a pop especially if they have the thoughtfulness to be on a hard surface such as concrete.

Other snails may be attracted to the dead mess to feed on, get em!

Old Knudsen's record is 81 snails in a day. Last week he got 40 and the other day he got 7.

Old Knudsen makes sure to delete these creatures fast and brutally with no suffering because if some big boot appeared in the sky he'd appreciate it doing the same for him.


6 comments:

MJ said...

You're an avant gardener.

mago said...

Eat them. Or collect and sell them as specialty. With garlic and a fine white. Around here the escargot ("Weinbergschnecke") is protected: Stomp and get shot.

tony said...

Your Onto Something Biblical Here.............
God Gave Man A Soul.
Knudski Gave Snails A Sole.

Old Knudsen said...

Germans, er I mean Frankies don't need much excuse to shoot you, they never change.

Boxer said...

I'd like to see what you do with a slug. No crunching. Just goo.

Donn said...

I can't comment because I can still see the beautiful shemale below.

oh fiddlestix!