Thursday, 11 June 2009

The Art Of Fisting

Old Knudsen would just like to give a raise the roof to Susan Boilface who was the runner up in Britain's got talent but fuck all looks she had a wee mental break doon at not winning and spent some time rocking in a corner of a mental health clinic. Hey don't judge we've all been there right?
The time and rest sure did Susan good as she came out looking refreshed and dare I say younger.

Susan Boyle is now doing a 20 date tour and we at Old Bitter Balls wish her well.



Old Knudsen gets around, just ask yer ma. I have been a long time personal friend to many stars including Sylvester Stallone as pictured above. Old Knudsen doesn't like to name drop but that picture was at a party hosted by DeNiro and the photo was actually taken by Hugh Jackman, its been cropped otherwise you'd see Helen Mirren and Tony Curtis on either side.

" Why yes Old Knudsen we would like a 3-way tonight."

Name dropping and bragging is so tacky so anyway I've long worked with Sly on the Rocky series. In many interviews over the years hes mentioned how my boxing career was the inspiration for him though it never stopped him from changing things to suit his films.


Old Knudsen is courage on a stick. "Fuck with the Hornivore you get the bull" is something that he might say, he loses many friends with his blunt way of speaking and the fact hes a cunt but he is the most interesting man hes ever met.

I was a young naive boy growing up in Hells Kitchen, "You fucking donkey" was what the head chef ogre used to shout at me in an Edinburgh accent which as we all know is the soft ghey Scottish accent invented by Sir Walter Scott for the tourists. I'd go into the freezer and punch the frozen meat in frustration and after 47 years I had a right hook and upper cleft lip to be proud off, sorry boxing terms I'll try to keep it simple for you lot.


I got into underground prize fights which were held in the subterranean home of the mud men who I usually turned to dust in the second round. I got the attention of promoters and beautiful weemen, one such beauty was a Nubian mattress monster named Adrian. I was upset that Sly made Adrian into a homely white gurl but what could you do he had bought the rights to my story?


In all the 36 Rocky films not once did I see the stigmata scene which to my mind was very important because I then went on to form a cult. Fighting under the name Stony Knudsen I got the snot beat out of me until my trainer Mickey played some trumpet music which kicked in my post hypnotic suggestion that I was Superman and I made a come back winning the fight.

Mickey used to bet on me a lot and he'd say things like "You're gonna eat lightnin' and you're gonna crap thunder!" and " You're a bum, Knudsen. You're a bum." Looking back it seems like a very abusive relationship that scarred me deep and made me insecure about my bum.


Stony Knudsen was the heavy weight champion of the world twice. Not this world but it still counts . Micky died, Adrian died and several homeless people went missing but I have my memories. Sometimes I'll strap on me gloves and have a fight because thats what fighters do they fight. I never tell people I'm going to fight them I jump out of doorways in the street, ach its always a rush to see the the shock on a young mother's face as she gets flattened by the famous Stony Knudsen, something to tell her friends and the police about.

4 comments:

Selchie said...

nice one! see you're on excellent form! Thanks for the morning chuckle me n the hub)))

mago said...

Tell me about Schmehling!

MJ said...

Is Susan Boyle carrying your love child?

HoodChick said...

Am I the only one on the planet that hasn't heard that homely bitch sing?