So Wet And Pink

Friday and Saturday nights at the Ohhmm well being clinic manning the suicide chat/hot line can get a bit difficult.

Without giving too much client confidentiality away I had this lass named Barbara from Invergarry call me up to tell me she was considering ending it all.

I asked her why in my pretend to be interested voice and so the silly cow told me.
She is an over weight plain looking woman who suffers from depression and is addicted to cold medicine. She has 3 teenage children who do what they want and disrespect her all the time. The only highlight in her day is watching Eastenders. Her husband works a lot of overtime and she knows he is having numerous affairs, she is lonely and desperate and hates herself, people dismiss her because shes not got anything interesting to say and so had a load of pill bottles in front of her and a bottle of vodka to wash them doon with.

I am well trained to deal with this type of situation but this time I was drawing a blank so I said well good luck to her and I hope things get better soon.

I actually had the telly on but I was sensitive enough to have the sound turned doon. The film 'Cobra' was on with Sly Stalone and the action was getting started so she called at a bad time, hardly my fault.

The goth boy who thought he might be ghey I gave him great advice,smile more and wear sunny colours, get a hair cut and join the navy ya fucking poof. Whats long black and full of semen? a submarine and they always go doon. You'd have to be ghey to wear those uniforms.

I never get repeat phone calls, nor do I read the news paper after my stints on the hot line, too depressing.

Well that's my part time job as you older readers should remember, my main job is as a life coach.

Even famous people need help now and again, I helped Charles Manson get over his low esteem in the 70's before he became famous.

In 1980 I was on the cusp of getting John Lennon out of that dopey hippy phase , make war not love was going to be his next LP, a more metal sound to it.

John Denver had a fear of flying but me and my mate Steve Fossett convinced him that statistically speaking they are safer than cars. Two birds with one stone.

I got Kurt Cobain over his fear of guns as its people that kill people not guns.

Christopher Reeve was worried about being too tall to horse jump, I said wise up yer only as tall as you let yerself be, yer Superman for fucks sake what could possibly happen?.

I convinced Steve Irwin to branch out from crocodiles, diversify I said to him, get out of yer comfort zone and take a risk.

Its not my fault they fuck up I told River Phoenix to try heroin not get hooked on the stuff, silly bugger.

The fella in the picture above is the famous guru Wang Chung from the eastern star promise of a better way temple. Even wise men need a star to follow. Now that was fucking class, did you hear that? star to follow, I just pull this incredible stuff out of me arse like when a dog swallows a deflated balloon and half of it hangs out of its hole so you pull on it, funny as fuck when it snaps out.

Chung thought the path to enlightenment was to deny all the pleasures in life and sit in the lotus position and eat a bowl of rice a day.

I said to him, do ya think Buddha ate a bowl of rice a day? look at that fat fucker, hes morbidly obese hes like one of them Americans they have to cut the wall off his hoose and have a crane lift him to the Dr Phil show.

You know what they say about fat people right? always so fucking jolly, skinny people are always going around cold and miserable eating a stick of celery for lunch then boaking it up not realising that it doesn't matter cos they are boring as fuck and ugly, plus their breath stinks of vomit and the enamel on their teeth has all been eaten away.

Chung looked at me as if I had just told him the meaning of life, Billy Graham eats corn on the cob and fried chicken and that cunt is 89, live a little man.

Chung's temple gets a lot of donations so in thanks for my help he took me out on the town for a Curry and a piss up, that wee gook can sure put the Southern comfort away.

He kept going on about the Dalai Lama and what a cunt he is stirring up trouble against the Chinese, oh no you don't see him being a martyr . Anyway Chung became my best fucking mate and we ended up having a three way with Patricia the stripper, ah good times.

The only blight on the night was the fight we had when I caught him looking at me cock, none of that oriental gheyness now, they don't all know kung-fu you know, after I kicked his arse I felt like doing it again an hour later.

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The Wanking Post

I worship the religion of Santeria which is an off shoot (pardon the pun) of Free Presbyterianism as any of you half educated half wits will know.

To give it its Scot's Gaelic name "Regla de Ocha" which loosely translated means 'The only true way and the rest of you are damned to burn in hell.'

Our way is a way of love (terms and conditions may apply) and we have our own version of the Bible as dictated to from God Himself to Angus McJobby in the year 666 BC .

We are a most enlightened Church and are against Gheys, Catholics, Jews, Slavs, Dirty Arabs and People of colour........... unless they are hot of course then they are ok we just don't notice.

Hot Asian gurly-boys are fine in my opinion and that of my minister and if you don't like them then you must be a gheyer or something.

I don't believe in evolution, just look at that word, isn't evol just a little bit too much like evil? and to evolve well nothing good can come of that. Why ask questions and think for yerself when you can just read the good book or ask yer pastor?

The world is 5000 years old and if you find anything older then that's the work of the Devil, simple enough to explain.

I believe in Intelligent design, if it was a bad idea would it be called intelligent? don't try logic on me, even though I only have one leg I can still run rings round you logically cos I got the smarts and God is on my side as the great Adolf Hitler once said and look at him, from a poor family to ruling Germany and most of Europe, the American dream but with lederhosen.

God made Adam and lilith but she was uppity and wouldn't make the tae when told to so, she then went off to fuck lots of Demons in a cave which is what the Slavs are descended from. Then God made a better more subservient woman named Eve who wasn't too bright and there was the whole original sin thing which I have never forgiven weemen for.

And so'eth did God remarketh, "Fucking weemen they just never listen."

"Luke, fling the poo."

Getting back to intelligent design, after mankind fought the apes for control of the world and wiped out the walking talking ones we were left with humans. Also left was the stupid monkeys and primates that fling poo and blog etc.

George W Bush the third or fourth most powerful man in the world could in no way share any kind of ancestry with apes. Balderdash I say.

Due to Intelligent design the primates still had opposable thumbs and what does any animal no matter how stupid do with the gift of opposable thumbs ? they masturbate.

Ever notice that given the power to tug the lad they will make full use of it and will be the only other creatures apart from superior humans that have sex for pleasure? monkeys and apes still don't have souls like all the other animals which is why they can't get into Heaven and why we eat them.

What disturbs me the most about this picture? the size of his knob or the furniture?

Disclaimer:
If anyone is outraged, insulted, disgusted or just remotely pissed off at this post then, Old Knudsen fuck yeah!

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Please Adopt Me!

To protect his identity we covered his eyes they are indeed slitty, heres one of the many times he asked to be fed "long time."

Angelina Jolie went to Vietnam to adopt her third child which makes 4 kids all together but whos counting? We all know what trouble makers white kids are and how untrendy they are at the moment which is why there was surprise and disappointment when her natural born child came out white, hey she tried but the Pitt Juice beat all cummers.

The latest orphan to join the Jolie-Pitt clan was an older Vietnamese boy named Wang Chung, in fact the picture above may be the very first there is. Angelina was shocked at the size of him but his records do say hes only 10, he does have this annoying habit of grabbing her breasts and asking to be fed, this was from half starving in the jungle so he says, he also has a 3 packs of cigarette habit that needs to be broken also.
We wish you luck Angelina and Brad, little Wang seems very affectionate towards his new mother so things are looking good, especially for the lad .