Step Back Breathe Repeat To Survive

Remember when television was entertaining and even educational? There were limits and it would finish at the end of the day. The US would have the national anthem and flag in the wind and the UK would have God save the Queen with her during a Trooping of the colour parade.

It really sucked after coming home from the pub to get that. I'm awake why isn't the TV?

The few TV shows on television meant you would be forced to do other things in the real world. Television would have 'events' such as Roots, The Thornbirds, V and Salem's Lot. The buzz about Stranger Things or Game of Thrones doesn't complete as it's everywhere, even Comic Cons are a regular thing.

Water cooler talk can be about anything these days. Sports fans talking about games hasn't changed though :::yawn::::

We retrained our brains to become television minded and addicted as TV shows became more and more and all night. There is no longer a beginning and an end to TV.

No watershed in which the more adult shows are shown when kids are in bed. You can get up in the morning and watch Rambo slaughtering whole armies with an M-60 as you eat yer cornflakes before school.

In the UK Children had news shows that would explain the news to them, there were science shows like How, Tomorrow's World and in the US Bill Nye was the science guy.

Cable TV said there would be no commercials because people paid for it ... they lied. There are even whole channels devoted to selling you things. The cable packages are set, you get shite with one or two good channels. More choice with less choice.

The Sci-Fi channel showed less and less Sci-Fi then became Syfy and notorious for crap low production movies and shows. The History channel showed things like 'The Real' story of the Bible and became the Hitler channel. Wall to wall Nazis and the Alt-wipe went "YES"!

TV got dumb and now in the UK you pay £145 a year for a TV license whether you watch it or not. £145 for Soap operas, reality shows and sport. It has nothing Old Knudsen wants, Sherlock and Dr Who got shite.

I don't mean to be one of those smug people that say, "oh I never watch TV" it just happens that I have standards.

The wildlife documentaries were boring as shite but had educational bits. Old Knudsen got annoyed when he saw a baby elephant of something struggling in quicksand ... just fucken help it out you ghoul of a cameraman!!!

Now with climate change denier Rupert Murdoch owning National Geographic you can expect to see the droopy native boobs replaced with 'Who was Mary Magdalene?' Next up: 'Where Sherlock Holmes grew up'. 

The Internet is the same. Back in the day you'd have e-mail forums and groups, Yahoo was a major player. From these communities grew mySpace, Bebo, Facebook, Twitter and Google Plus ... where dreams go to die.

Remember when friends sent you Google Plus invites and you go, um no thanks.

There wasn't much content at the start and now there is too much. Youtuber is actually a job title. Like the reality TV shows that script their drama or shag each other for drama the people on Youtube have to keep out doing themselves. Stopping a bullet with a thick book ????

Some pranks like the bullet one often go wrong. While that stunt killed the book holder others skirt around with casual racism for laughs but when Disney dumps them it isn't so funny. Who would have thought that Disney was picky?

I don't get the reaction videos. Watching someone watching something. Look, someone thinks something is funny, how entertaining.

Fuck  plot, dialogue, acting and quality, reality TV has taught us that all that is of lesser importance than what others think.

We've stopped engaging ourselves and investing ourselves in TV in favour for a proxy self. Maybe we feel better that others enjoy things more vividly than us .... fuck that's sad.

Others stare at the screen emotionless only looking at the camera now and then to include the viewer.

Then there is the instant gratification that you matter, that your vote matters ... click LIKE!

Thanks to the brave souls online you don't have to pay for TV shows. Old Knudsen would hate it if he had to pay for some shows that have 5 mins of good stuff and stretches the rest of the show out to 40 mins with lame shit. How many times have you watched The Walking Dead and thought how unsatisfying it was?

I reward decent shows by buying the DVD afterwards. The second season of Dare Devil (not the first) and American Gods for example.

The Internet contains the vast knowledge of humanity ... also a ton of free porn and kitty videos.

That knowledge can be manipulated to show you what some wealthy person or company wants you to see. You search for a story about Hillary and get a load of sites spouting lies but look legit and not just Fox News ... that climate change denier Rupert Murdoch sure has his fingers in a lot of pies.

Then there are algorithms so when you think you are seeing what is actually happening in the world what you are getting is based on every LIKE you've clicked or link you've read.

On Twitter I see the same news article republished 2 days in a row and a couple of times a day. There is no beginning and no end, all this is rewiring our brains and we HAVE to step away at times to maintain our objectivity.

Weaker minds see an alleged expert saying Hillary sold 20% of the uranium in the US to Russia or that she had people killed and they believe it and ignore the facts or how many times it's de-bunked.

Like religion. A well dressed important person and his friends tell me something, who am I to disagree no matter how crazy it seems? ... self worth and knowing your place.

We are no longer engaged and entertained with TV and certainly not by the Internet, we've become click LIKE drones as TV and Internet merge.

With all the content fighting for your attention is all feels like a constant scream. WWIII isn't about to happen, Seattle isn't in range of North Korea but the Internet has you convinced it is until the next week when something else comes along.

The Horror Of Social Media

Mysterious serial killing spirit type guy Kevin Kinders, friends people on social media and never LIKEs their posts. Sometimes he leaves weird comments that have nothing to do with the post so the poster reads and re-reads wondering if there's a point or joke they are just not getting. "I can't just not respond to this as I've responded with witty banter to all the others ... FML."

Every year on the day that his whole family was murdered by a psychotic hobo that abducted and raised Kevin he mysteriously posts a whole string of Youtubes of songs that only he enjoys but thinks everyone else should. He also doesn't care that his political posts about putting vets before Muslims or any other brown person makes him look like a twat.

Chelsea Manning is a vet .... I'll just leave that there for them to get worked up over. 

OMG it's like you know my entire life, who are you, NSA, FBI, Instagram? 

Remember when horror movies had some crazy dude chasing half naked teens with a knife? It was usually the plucky chick that lived in the end. Now because they've done knives, chainsaws and finger blades the public want something they can more relate too .... so bring on the lame.

Blaire Lily notices Skankhunt42 user name on her chat list but she or any of her friends didn't invite them. Soon Skankhunt42 starts killing Blaire's friends and manipulates them with humiliating videos and screen shots of drunken posts complaining about those fucken Jews ..... they start all the wars you know, just ask Hitler or Mel Gibson.  

Yeah ok people, which one of you cunts who claim innocence set up a fake profile? 

Glock is Austrian not German ....like there's a difference.

Wouldn't it be awesome if Gibson played an LA cop but like Hitler? 'I'm not stopping you for being black, I'm stopping you for being one of the inferior races, I also harass gheys, gypos and intellectuals that wear glasses.... I'm just doing my job for the Father Homeland security.' 

I think in this climate of far right being all right that this movie is needed. I would certainly watch the shit out of it, but on DVD if I saw it in the bargain bin with the Will Smith movies. 

I'll never pay full price for a Mel Gibson movie ever again, it's principle. Also his acting is kinda one note. When he was better looking and less crazy his acting was way better .... odd that. 

Back to Unfriended. Horror movies now deal with real issues than un-killable dudes with knives. Inmagine the horror if you lost some Interweb FRIENDS!!!! Yeah they took offense at something you said and instead of telling you they slope off and maybe block you or you realise they unfriended you 3 months later when you see them commenting on a friend's post .... what dicks.

If some unknown force started killing my social media friends I'd have to get more .... you douche bag Skankhunt42, I was this close to getting titty pics. Might I suggest yer next victim, this cunt lurks and never likes my posts. Well that's not true he liked my one post that looked like it was anti-immigrant but was really irony, I don't think he got it. 

Another movie dealing with the horror of losing people you don't really know. Friend Request. Laura has 800 friends until a vengeful spirit sends her a friend request that she accepts then it starts to kill them. It's not bad enough that evil spirits are out there lurking in old murder houses, basements and the dark in general but they are also online.
How does a spirit pay for its Interweb connection and don't they have anything better to do than look at cat pics and typing OMG ROFLAO?

The Belfast Telegraph did some excellent reporting of DUP politician and homophobe Jim Wells being targeted by evil online spirits from Russia trying to trap a man into marrying them.

Yes he got a spam e-mail and yes the Bel Tel did use that as a story. That blog on paper has gone out of its way to paint bitter, bigoted people like Wells and Ruth Patterson as nice normal people. Yes Jim, resign over homophobic remarks caught on video then months later deny them and the Bel Tel will do a piece about you looking after yer ill wife.
The evil Russian spirit claimed to be looking for a slapup man as she was a goodish woman with lots of love to give.

Wells who went bankrupt last year after his business dealings with a Nigerian prince fell through wants the public to be aware of random women trying these scams and how if they were capable of disobeying the Lord's law in the garden of Eden then they are capable of anything but that he is no fool and will not fall for these scams.

     No, not my WiFi connection .... I need the validation!

I think there have been movies called The Lurker and The Follower, not sure if they are about social media.  There was this horror flick called You've got mail ... I still have nightmares about that one. 

Some other titles can be:

Vaguebooker

You've been poked

Poke back

Unable to post

This page is no longer available

Cat Pics

I am following you

Dislike button

Friend of friends

Privacy settings have changed

List cull

What about an evil spirit that posts how you are going to quit Social media or cull their friends list every other fucken week. Or ones that love talking about dead children so they see nothing wrong with a Social media feed full of pictures of bombings .... I always click LIKE or comment with LOL .....  just to be social like.

Remember folks that is you see any breastfeeding pics to go behind yer so-called friend's back and in accordance to Sharia law report them for being explicit. 

These are nice boobies but ya know what Old Knudsen doesn't have saved in his Best wanks folder? Yep breast feeding pics. It's just feeding a baby ffs. 

 

Scared New World

So it's 2090, the world's population hit 12 billion and that was already with the prison culls and single baby families.
There aren't very much natural resources left, people are living for longer, they aren't very healthy but they are old. You can defy aging with organ transplants and cosmetic surgery which has cum a long way. Kirk Douglas has started making movies again for fucks sake. 

Looks 30 but is really 80 .... hawt or what? 

We had West Nile, Zika, Tika, Sudden Death Virus and Obula which is like Ebola but way worse. The US president Aidan Clinton Mezvinsky led the world in the revolutionary method to control help the people. 

If you have a job that makes under $40 grand a year then you are given the choice to be uploaded and Interfaced. If you make less than $30 grand then the choice is less um choicey. You can be put into storage or go with food.

    

Join the real world. Music, movies and social interaction are becoming cyberised so in Real World you can be yourself or how you want yourself to be. 

Want a perfect life full of perfect selfies? Want to show pictures of yer dinner but not the 12 bags of M&M's and 6 tubes of pringles?  You can have a cat that is cute and vine worthy instead of a cunt that smells and walks over yer keyboard. 

Real World is the new real life. There is news and events happening, everyone are famous non-celebs like Youtube celebs today. You can interact with famous dead celebs like Marlyn Munroe, Kim Kardashian or even the moody and sulky Curt Cobain as their estates have sold their rights to Real World and their images digitally upload. 

We don't need sets and actors, it's all done by computer now. 

'I just fingered Amy Winehouse up the duck pond, lol' .... User: DJ_CrazyAss456      

 In Real World Bruce Willis is still alive and has hair.

Of course the famous people that are dead are solely for entertainment purposes, there are lots of "real" people in Real World and real people have issues and problems. That's where Old Knudsen cums in. I make $48 grand a year but have decided to continue working. If the world trade alliance starts regulating body parts as it threatens to I may have to be uploaded and Interfaced if I lose my job. 

I get a temporary upload to Real World and help people with technical or other issues they may be having. I'm like a help desk. The other day I had to block an ex boyfriend of a lass as he kept looking at her wall, door and virtual underwear drawer. Now they pass each other in the street and don't even notice. 

I log in then go back to reality. Sure the food is synthetic and and you have to wear a oxygen mask but it's reality and I wouldn't want some fake werld full of fake people. Loads of white people in Real World as that is the most popular skin, probably because in reality not many white kids are born now. Having a white skin in Real World is going retro. 

  

I love my life in reality. I live in a nice hoose and have a dog that does the most funny things. I shag different chicks all the time and none of them mind the open relationship status. I think they just love my huge cock. 

You should see my dinners, they are tremendous, the best ever! When I'm not at werk, shagging tarts and laughing at Bruno me black lab that can walk on his back legs then I'm usually at the gym. I love the gym but not as much as telling people that I've been there. I take 3 holidays a year and might start collecting vintage cars ... who knows? 

The future is a wonderful place with all those people put into storage. Don't worry they volunteered. In 2016 it would be thought of as crazy to sign up with yer real name and phone number etc and then post all yer life details and photos for cybernet companies to use as they please but in the future it's fine. 

I do feel sorry for those sad fuckers that get uploaded, most forget it isn't real and take it way too seriously. I'm happy with my real, real world. My boss says I'm his best employee and that everyone loves me. He even suggested that I run for President of the universe .... seriously, me. 

Well I got to go and do some cross fitness sets and then have lunch with Virginia Mayo and Kate Upton, there may even be a threesome later. Why would I give up that for some fake made up life in cyber space? 

  

How Much Is Your Life Worth?

We all know that yer personal details are not safe online, Facebook, Twatter and loserville Google plus all sell yer shit. What you don't know is how much they get for yer phone number, work details and who you are connected to.

Obviously the more attractive you are the more yer details will go for. For tax purposes (in other words they don't want to pay tax) all amounts are in dollars. Tracy's details will cost a tidy $500, that includes all the stuff in the 'About me' section that she hasn't made public, all her photos and messages.
I have bought many personal details for my private files.

Social media encourages its users to be the best and have better more interesting lives than yer friends which means that only the best photos are used and quite often ones from 10 years ago but who cares as long as organizations will pay for them. Pictures of you with a celeb are like gold.

It's not just governments and insurance companies that want yer details, a shadow organization only known as The Mystery Shoppers buy yer details and track you through life in order to help you spend and consume. All yer LIKES, SHARES, RETWATS and SEARCHES are logged and assessed. Even yer TV is in on the act.
Ever have a friend go on about seeing an Anusol commercial like 20 times a day or that, "when I was diagnosed with genital herpes, I was devastated" commercial? You might say, "I've seen them a couple of times, not that many." That's because yer friend Googles for assfuck videos and info on herpes flair ups.

Last year the secret companies got into a bidding war for this ugly wee fucker's photo, it sold for $865 and has been used on over 738 memes. For people like Mark Zuckerberg it's handy that people are cunts. Who hasn't bought a kitten just for loads of cute kitty pics then tossed the creature into a river when it got older? .... don't deny it, you'd have 100 cats in yer hoose going by all the different kittens you've had, even crazy cat ladies don't hate themselves enough for that many cats. A cute kitten pic can reach $25 - $50 on the cat market, that's why Zuckerberg is rich.

Those make up free selfies that had us men demanding you make the effort was actually started by a social media think tank of behavioral experts in order to not only sell yer pics but to sell you make up too. Sure about $125 was raised for charity by the people who posted a selfie and actually donated because most people forgot about the donation part cos they were too traumatized by their selfie and getting the right amount of blur or the right filter for it to hide their natural 'ugness' .... You were here for the creation of that werd not to be confused with uggness as in ugly ass boots an shit.    

Duck face was started by the think tank too which as a way to encourage more photos to be taken. At first duck face pics were being sold for $60 but within a week the trend got so lame they only get $1.50 if lucky. People who do duck face now often get a media backlash or their accounts suspended or transferred to MySpace.

Sparrow face is where the money is at with Facebook and Twatter selling yer pics for up to $80 depending on how startled you look.

Yer life is being manipulated and sold but who cares if it wastes 6 hours of yer day? .... oh kitty. 


 





 

Man Grows A Vagina

50 shades of Grey made my parts tingle. 

Tom Johnson from Felixstowe ..... England noticed something was happening to his genitals, they were shrinking and shriveling up into his body. This process affects one in 500 men and is thought to be caused by a hormonal imbalance due to excessive emotional stimulation.

"On social media I pretended to care when I'd read about a shooting, natural disasters or animal cruelty, I just wanted the people (mostly women) to like me."  

On Twitter Tom followed people but never had anything to say, on Facebook he'd LIKE status' and just rephrase what everyone else was saying.

"Before I knew it I was signing petitions about saving butterflies and wolves, I hate nature I have allergies. I noticed some wet patches on my groin but ignored them thinking I just hadn't shaken it enough after going to the loo."  

Tom also noticed that his penis and scrotum were noticeable smaller but didn't want to go to a doctor in case they laughed at his small willy.

"I stopped getting erections but it didn't ruin my sex life since I have been married for years. My emotions seemed to be getting out of control and I took offense at everything. After the USA Mall shooting I went looking for stories around the world in Africa and south east Asia about shootings that didn't get as much media coverage and shamed the people who felt bad for the people in the Mall for not feeling bad about the 3 shot dead in Abidjan. I even looked up where Abidjan was." 

Eventually Tom did go to the Doctor as the only way he could urinate was when he was sitting down.

"I talked to my doctor who had to call in his fellow doctors for their opinions, some of them took selfies with my groin. It turns out that I have Sitzpinkler syndrome which is the German name for a man who sits to pee. After 6 months my male genitalia had turned completely female. I was liking Facebook pages called, 'Hugs not prison' and cried everyday because people just didn't understand that murderers, rapists and pedophiles were as much of a victim as their victims were, soon all the women that I was hoping to impress were telling me to man up and grow a pair or just unfriended me, the only ones I had left were the people too polite to unfriend me and Candy Crush players, I accepted their invites to please them but popping shapes in games upsets me too much, also my vagina weeps as much as I do."     

Sitzpinkler syndrome cannot be cured, only managed. It is advised to not click on stories that say, 'This man raped his victim but what he did next was worse' or 'What these teens did to a puppy will sicken you' this isn't burying your head in the sand it's not getting worked up on how bad the world is when you can't do anything about it. 
If you are male and have ever complained about America's gun culture or have texted £3 to the polar bears after seeing a commercial on the TV then you could be susceptible to Sitzpinkler syndrome. 

The simple test for Sitzpinkler syndrome is this, what would you rid the world of if you had to choose, kittens or titties? 

Those called David or Paul are 5 times more likely to develop Sitzpinkler syndrome than a Robert or John. 

Playing Call of duty and looking at porn might just keep Sitzpinkler syndrome at bay as will one night stands and bar fights. Doctors also advise that when looking at baby pictures to not think about sweet, helpless, bundles of cute but rather tiny, needy, manipulators who will get taller than you and put you in a home when you are old.

Waiting for a restroom stall to be free while men whizzed away at the urinals has made Tom realise just how good he had it once. Fuck Abidjan where ever it is.

Look Up It's Life

This could be you ... except yer reading this, you loser.

Old Knudsen doesn't like to be told what to do, especially by cunts .... which is everyone except him. So you get this Youtube that goes viral like yon clap yer Ma gave half of Scotland, it has a bloke speaking in verse about how if you don't switch off from social media or look up from yer phone then you'll miss out on life. 

Gary Turk not looking up. 

The poem starts off, I have 422 friends yet I am lonely, I speak to all of them everyday yet none of them really know me.
The problem I have sits in the space in-between, Looking into their eyes or at a name on a screen.

I took a step back and opened my eyes, I looked round and realised .... I'm an ugly cunt!

Ok that last bit was me, he isn't ugly, even with his very British lack of a chin and dull dead eyes.

For some reason he asks a woman for directions .... no chin and no cock either huh. The whole Youtube is a montage but doesn't show you the stalking he does to this lass to wear her doon, usually if you ask directions (I never have) you'd get them and go to the place, none of this "Hey do you know where the clap clinic is? ... and this may sound crazy since we've never met but can I cum on yer titties?"

How did he do it, is he a hypnotist? Hypnotists get pussy thrown at them where ever they go ... or is that ventriloquists? ach one of those two. Within the 5 minute video he fathers a child and grows old and dies .....  that'll teach him for looking up, he triggered some kind of aging vortex.

If you play Angry birds on yer phone or keep liking Facebook comments you'll never get yer hole. Nobody that uses social media has ever had a relationship or has ever bred ... that's a fact, right Gary?

Oh, check her out, I'm going to stand here and wait until she looks up and then we're going to have a lot of sex, shit! I bet she's texting her boyfriend, chicks who aren't ugly always have boyfriends.

I shall make her pay for this outrage with rivers of blood and shrubberies of skulls, mwahahaha! ..... wot, too soon? 

NO! Don't look up, it's a trap.

Of course this Youtube then tells you to LIKE and SHARE ......... you mean you .... used me?

Ok but this is real, we're gonna protest against Internet surveillance, we're going to TAKE BACK THE INTERNET! are you with me? Then enter yer name and e-mail address and the last 4 digits to yer social security number.

To really teach those NSA bastards also enter yer mother's maiden name and the town you were born.

LIKE and SHARE this post ..... and look up, there's a car coming.