I Do It My Way

You should all know by now that I'm a Time Lord. I can travel through time, space and open fields at the speed of very fast. You should all know from watching TV , films and reading books that you can't change time or you fuck it up in some horrible way and the Time Lords will send the mud monsters after you if you do, also that its a good plot device. Well if I could go back and give myself a message, advice or warning what would it be?

When Ugga brings me his wheel design and offers to bring me in as a partner don't laugh in his face, say "yes."

Pull out before I cum when having sex with Nessie the Neanderthal to avoid creating the Greeks.

Do not invest heavily in Bronze just as the Iron age hits.

Don't holiday in Pompei in 79 AD

Don't give Columbus yer best guess on which way to go because just look how that turned out.

When fellow Scot Alexander Graham Bell tells me about the telephone at a dinner party, don't laugh and mock him saying "will there be wireless phones that can take pictures too?" Invest!

Don't marvel at the Titanic's speed heading towards an iceberg and wonder if the look out has seen it, shout something. That was a swim and a half I can tell you.

Take credit for fighting Hitler to the death and tell the world he was a Gorbesh Demon who go up in flames when you kill them, the world has to know.

Send Britney an e-mail reminding her to wear a pair of gunties when getting out of cars, that was nasty.

Never trust a Lemur.

Wear condoms when I shag Salma Hayek and Halle Berry and don't let Tom Cruise talk me into giving him a sperm sample that has to be pulled off by him in a quiet room, I'm not Suri what he used it for.

When I set up my first Blog give it a deep thoughtful title that won't turn prudes away and don't fucking swear so much or you won't get the right fucking audience, instead you'll get sex made cunts who want midget sex and cock, no wait that's me.

*What message, warning or advice would you give to yerself?*

*Fully expects this question to be abused like Gary Coleman at a pedo convention.*

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Let Them Eat Cake

While I'm on the subject of angry sex did you hear about the Tsunami about a week ago in the Solomon islands? about 39 people dead which is always unfortunate. They have been complaining about the lack of government aid to help them.

Then I got to thinking if a disaster happened 100 years ago what did they do? did they go on about the bloody government? what about Pompeii when Mount Vesuvius erupted in 79 AD hiding the city for 1,600 years, did the people expect Rome to send out a task force and help the survivors live, if so would it be ROMA and not FEMA?

When Katrina hit a lot of the people huddled in a Stadium and waited for help or on their roof tops, then they complained when it wasn't fast enough, and played the race card, victims to be sure.

Heres my point, poor people in a disaster are just as fucked as those 100 years ago, no in fact Oxfam will send you mosquito nets for yer bed, you know the bed that floated away on you but getting a package always cheers people up.

Everyone thinks they live in a socialist country when mother nature destroys their town a most convenient attitude, sorry folks if you were rich or famous you'd get help stat as rich and famous people are at least 1000 times more better and important than poor people, that's the way it is their lives are far more valuable and their shit don't stink. A 1000 troops could die in Iraq but if one of them was a famous American Footballer guess who gets the air time? poor or unfamous families don't grieve or feel pain, that's a proven medical fact.

The most vile and widely read newspaper in Britain by the common man 'The Sun' would have headlines like this and in this order.

'The Queen is recuperating after her ingrown toenail surgery' full story centre pages.

'Off To Phwoarr' Page 3 beauties Ruth, Becky and Mel visit the troops.

' Is Robbie off to rehab again?'

'3000 killed in an earthquake in Wherethefuckistan' see blurb on page 12.