The Lidl Has Eyes

 Ghey hipsters love Lidl.

I love Lidl, it's a German store that has good quality and good prices. They very often sell weird stuff that you never knew you needed. I didn't see any of the kilts they said they would be selling for Burns night. While Knudsen isn't a Scottish name he does have many Septs and Clans in his family tree and is tight with money and smells like pee.

Only a real man can wear a skirt, weemen wearing them is just so ghey or something.

I bring to you a Lidl mystery. If you pull up to a store you may see this fella called Stephen Graham from Fermanagh .... it may unsettle you how his teeth seem to follow you as you walk to the store or maybe it's his eyes that can watch two people at a time that un-nerves you. 

I'm watching you.

Just a friendly yet slightly creepy farmer, the whole cuntry is full of them.... well not friendly, just creepy farmers, with guns. 

I chopped up my family .... here, eat them.

Then you get inside the shop and the same fella is Martin Rafferty from Newry. There can't be two guys who look like that, who would think it was a good idea to clone this lad? 

The baldy fella with the eyes and the teeth wants you to taste his beef, how could you refuse? 

Well I don't trust you Mr Rafferty ... if that is even yer real name, once you lie to Old Knudsen yer dead to him.
Is he even a farmer? Leaning on a gate does not a farmer make. I can't seem to look away from him for long, this must be Lidl sorcery, I'm off to write them a strongly worded e-mail in which I will mention how this fella haunts my dreams, maybe I'll get some vouchers. 

Boycott Israel .... How?

Why will no one sit with me? .... do my pits offend? 

Trendy activists are hitting Israel where it hurts .... by hanging around a few shops and filling up shopping carts full of items they deem are Israeli friendly. Aye giving the staff more work to do will really teach Israel a thing or two.

So yer telling me these people are boycotting  McDonald's, Sainsburys, Marks & Spencer, Tesco, Dunnes Stores, Aldi, Lidl, TK Maxx, Debenhams, Boots, Smyths Toys, PC World, Revlon, L'Oreal, Estee Lauder, Timberland, Riverisland, Victoria's secret, Intel, IBM, AOL, Motorola, Johnson & Johnson, Kimberly-Clark, Keter, Nestlé, Starbucks and others.

Where are they going to buy their shopping from? why don't you go to Asda .... no wait Wal-mart owns them, ach yer either fucked or are just hypocritical wankers.
I doubt yer woman there will go without her quarter pounder with cheese meal, I doubt she'll go without anything .... except love, unless you count her 25 cats that is. 

Happy as fuck, they don't lose any sleep I bet ya. 

Hey did ya see that movie Frozen or Maleficent? what about Iron man and the Avenger movies? well those are Disney and on the boycott list, hope you enjoyed drinking yer Coca Cola while watching all the entertaining genocide you funded. 

I don't like that placard telling me I have chosen the side of the oppressor, how can they see this conflict in  such an easy black and white simplistic way?

There have been many injustices on both sides, kidnapping and killing 3 young men at a time when peace talks were close to happening, what about that injustice ...... or does that not count because Israeli lives aren't important when there is boycotting to do?

All these alleged boycotts (nope I don't believe they are doing them) on companies with vague ties to Israel are stupid, what's next a boycott on all made in china products because of their poor human rights record?

Unless it says 'made in Israel' then fuck off! Just boycott everything American , while yer at it everything British and European too as the EU gives aid to both Israel and Palestine. Why are you just trying to hurt Israel for anyway?  I'm not hearing the name Hamas being mentioned .... shit don't stick to them. 

Might as well say that if you support Gaza and Palestine then you support Hamas and since they don't want peace, they want Israel destroyed so you support war cos I never hear you mention Hamas and the atrocities they do just how you want to hurt Israel.

These brave morally righteous boycotters are really just stupid, naive little children trying not to believe in the boogeyman that goes by the name Hamas.  

Yes war is hell, especially on the skin. It's horrible hearing about the death and we are lucky it's not us however I will not be made to feel guilty that it's not me, that's dumb. I will not be manipulated by the media in any direction. There are no winners in this situation, however there are plenty of losers.  

To quote the brilliant and often controversial Bill Maher,  "Dealing with Hamas is like dealing with a crazy woman who's trying to kill you, you can only hold her wrists so long before you have to slap her."

Kicked In The Punjana

When a product is so good and speaks for itself then you can call it anything you want but when yer product only sells in low end grocery stores maybe a re-name might be a good idea. Here are some marketing fails.

I wonder if ass juice is used in the so juicy. Who wants to tell the world that their arse is juicy? The stains and the smell should announce it anyway. 

Vagina slitz .... first impressions last.

Maybe after their mammy buys them some loungepants she can then help them to find their Wally. Theres a specky cunt in a hat doon my hoosers!

We live in a time in which it is soo easy to make up nicknames for lady parts.

Does the rug match the drapes? just dye yer snatch if not.

I am a good boy with my package full of beef.

When my bone gets sucked my sass isn't that colour.

I like the Hyundai STD series, the Hyundai Herpes is a sporty wee number with staying power. It is now totally acceptable to buy a STD.

Busts and unblocks yer plughole or yer money back.

This is just odd, I don't know why this exists. Of course Old Knudsen bought it.

This was actually changed, before it said For Uppity Negroes but because that makes the word FUN they changed it.

I buy a packet of these and get a few bust the hole donuts.

To think, someone put thought into the names of these products, sure it may not have been much thought but still. I suspect that English is not their first language.