I Like It When They Lay Still

Old Knudsen recently had yet another brush with death. It involved a tube of superglue and a female tiger at the Belfast zoo. It was one of those ideas that made perfect sense at the time ... anyways it's still fresh so I don't want to talk about it.

Death .... while I haven't seen any evidence that I can actually die I have thought about mortality.  Years ago in SoCal I knew this redneck guy that wore crappy jeans held up by braces. He liked guns and was a lawn Nazi, he also called black people piccaninnys. 

Toby as I'll call him cos that sounds soft as shite got bowel cancer. He went on for years complaining about everything and getting into people's business. He hated it when people said "hot enough for you?" so I made sure I said this.

Eventually they wheeled him out on the trolley in a burgundy coloured body bag. At his funeral service you'd think that the best guy in the world had died. All these people that I had never seen at his home got up and shared their lovely stories about Toby. Even a black dude got up to say how great he was.

Where was the racist rednecked lawn Nazi that would point out how your car needed washed? Where was the guy that banged on my door to show me that my rose petals had blown onto his garden? I shrugged and said it was potpourri .... he was not impressed. 

 
On Sulawesi, an Indonesian island east of Borneo they dig up their family members and make them look good to keep them in their memories ... If I saw my granny at the door I wouldn't forget that in a hurry. If my parents turned up there had better not be a strong wind as they were cremated. Looking good Ma, lost weight? Is that a new pot? Makes you look 140 years younger.

Even after 7 years of death Paul could still get the ladies. Nice and stiff

So the point to all this is ... Old Knudsen has a point? That's a new one.  All these people that died suddenly became lovely kind people with any faults forgotten.

Is it wrong to speak ill of the dead? People speak ill of the living all the time and guess what, the dead won't hear all the insults and won't kill themselves after a Twitter backlash. 

Patriotic type people seem to only like dead soldiers. They'll parade in their memory but if you suggest supporting the troops by not sending them off to die you'll get scorn.   

If dead people were as nice as they were while alive then we wouldn't have war or hunger.  So therefore Old Knudsen fully supports Skynet and its mission to make people nice again. The only good person is a dead person.  

Dying On Everest

Old Knudsen fights for many environmental rights such as the cutting off of shark fins to make soup out of .... who the fuck eats soup besides weemen and hipsters? Eat the rest of the fucking fish too. And trees, during a storm they can be deadly so lets get rid of those, Jap snipers also love to hide in them. The environment is vitally important to Old Knudsen, good shaps, good pavements and some hanging baskets make a great environment.  

In my youth I went through a 'because it's there' phase. Why did you kill that fella, "because he was there"why did you grab her boobie .... you get the idea and so armed with the stupidity of youth I climbed Mount Everest.

That was before oxygen tanks, we carried up paper bags full of air so we could breath at those high-altitudes. It was tough going, the sherpas that were carrying me died halfway up and so I had to put some effort into the climb. 
I must admit that I'm embarrassed to say that I died up there, frozen in place as I sat doon to eat a tub of ice-cream, it was yummy strawberry sorbet. You know what it's like, yer surrounded by snow and suddenly you get a craving for some cocaine or ice-cream, luckily I always carry both. 

My fellow climbers only noticed that I wasn't there when they reached the top and wanted to put up the Union fleg which was securely in my pack, since it was before everyone had camera phones I was also the artist and so they couldn't take a picture of the event either which annoyed them. I can only draw stick people anyways.

On the way back they saw me sitting there frozen to death. I had a weird out of body experience in which I could see them kicking me and then rolling me off the mountain. I was flying with the eagles, anything was possible now I was free of my meat suit prison, I was about to check out some lassies in an all female volley ball team locker room when I felt I was being pulled doon to earth. 

The friction of the roll and the warmth of the lower altitude had defrosted me and I was alive again ... I had really wanted to go to that locker room. 

   

George and Ruth Mallory.

Another climber who died on Everest years after Old Knudsen did was George Mallory. Mallory served in WWI and was one of the ones doing the shelling during the battle of the Somme, afterwards became a bit of a travel writer, climbing around Europe and India and at the age 37 he thought he'd be getting too old to climb Everest so he had better get on with it .... because it's there.  

He joined a 1924 expedition and set off from the base camp with Andrew Irvine. It is not known if they made it to the top and both Mallory and Irvine went missing for 75 years. Irvine's axe was found just sitting on a rock in 1933 and in 1936 and 1975 climbers reported to have seen Mallory's body. 

He had a broken leg and a hole in his head probably from his ice pick. 

In 1999 Conrad Anker found Mallory below where the axe had been found in 1933. On his body was a brass altimeter, stag-handled pocket knife, a monogrammed handkerchief, a metal tin of stock cubes: Brand & Co. Savoury Meat Lozenges, a piece of paper with numbers on it probably the pressures for his oxygen bottles and a pair of snow goggles.

They had hoped to find his camera but maybe sometime in the future we will. Did he reach the top or die on his way down? Until we get the camera we may never know. However they did not find a picture of his wife Ruth on his person, he had promised to leave it at the top if he reached it and no picture has been found at the summit. His body was then covered with stones and a short service was held. 

An Indian climber nicknamed Green boots. 

It takes a lot of effort to move at such heights with little oxygen and so carrying down another person would be very dangerous. Climbers have walked past many a person in the act of dying and those people are still up there. At the moment climbers are being asked to carry back any waste or trash they bring with them or any they find, that's almost a hundred years of frozen poo. 

You'd think that climbers would be environmentally friendly but it seems that they are just a bunch of cunts looking for a cool Facebook update. Eventually maybe the bodies will be brought down too. Bodies like green boots there is used as a marker for climbers. 
Attempts to find Mallory again to figure out if he made it or not have failed but others (including Sir Edmund Hillary and George's son John) have said that it doesn't matter if he reached the top or not as getting down safely is part of a successful climb. 

   

  

Robin Williams After Life

I have a confession to make, I never thought that Robin Williams was funny. I liked Mork and Mindy when it was on but only because it was different. Trying to think what Robin Williams movies I liked I came up with Insomnia and One hour photo, both serious roles. Insomnia has Williams playing a manipulative killer and One hour photo as a lonely man who becomes a stalker ..... maybe I could relate to those guys or something.

It was like he was trying too hard to be funny that it annoyed rather than amused me, ah well that's me.
In a 2010 interview with The Guardian newspaper he said, "In America, they really do mythologize people when they die" now he is getting that treatment but I think it's because he really was loved by those who grew up with him and whom he made laugh.

 

What dreams may cum. 

What dreams may cum is a 1998 movie in which everyone dies. Williams' character (who is dead and in heaven) needs to go to Hell to rescue his wife's soul as she committed suicide. It seems that those who kill themselves give themselves an afterlife of hell and torment.  At the young age of 63 it wasn't his time to go but he made it so, I hope he can find the peace he didn't have during his life. 

Everyone now has an opinion on suicide, depression and comedy genius. No no no you don't have to be a humorous person to be depressed, Old Knudsen has suffered depression for years and he isn't funny, I'm no a clown to amuse you with a butt monkey dance so fack aff! 

Idiots in the media have said things like Williams was a coward and selfish. Here are the facts from someone who not only suffers from depression but has been suicidal upon occasion. 

No one knows what depression is, medical people may say it has to do with chemicals in the brain so they throw pill upon pill at you until something works .... medical science my arse, medical guessing more like. 

No wonder Old Knudsen can pass himself off as a doctor, yer depressed? take two of these and maybe 3 of these and snap out of it ..... have you ever just tried not to be depressed? ach go away yer being a right downer. 

Depression is a monster that lies in wait until a time in which it thinks yer vulnerable then it attacks. It chips away at yer very core making you believe shit about yerself that isn't true. Sometimes you can fight it back and say "wise up, I've got no time for this shit" while other times you'll listen to it and even believe it. 

It keeps telling you that there is no hope, that yer a loser, that maybe the world and yer family might be better off without you. Logic and reason leaves you and what this monster tells you via yer own thoughts seems like the truth. They are yer own thoughts after all, repetitive dreadful thoughts.

People can tell you the real truth, you aren't a loser, yer an intelligent, funny, caring person and the world is a brighter place with you in it ..... you hear the words but they sound hollow and you dismiss them in favour of yer familiar and therefore no doubt true, monster thoughts.   

His series was cancelled in May and he had the start of Parkinson's disease so there was no doubt plenty of room for doubt and fear. 

But .....

Suicide is selfish .... FACT!

If you kill yerself you are taking the easy way out, the cowards way .... FACT!

Suicide is selfish because it leaves behind people who loved you, who needed you, not only have you ripped a hole in their lives but a part of them blames themselves. There will also be resentment at having lost someone in this way and guilt at having felt the resentment. Children of a parent who have committed suicide may often end in that way themselves

Robin Williams had a wife, a daughter and two sons, he took her husband and their father from them. 

The thing is that depression itself is selfish, that's the nature of the beast, it's all about yerself. It stops you thinking about others and caring about them, what you do feel is self pity magnified 10 times until the crap that the monster is telling you is the only truth and maybe, there is only one answer because no one else could possible understand.

Depression makes you selfish, depression makes you a coward. 

Williams had always felt fear and anxiety all his life, about what? about everything! Alcohol helps to a point or rather makes you think it helps, his cocaine habit didn't help so much which was why it was more easy to give up. Paranoid and impotent was how he described himself on coke. 

How does Old Knudsen know all of this? Old Knudsen is no coward, he has done things that would be deemed exceptionally brave, not the jumping into a river without thinking to save a puppy brave, that's the easy brave, I mean 3am, lonely long walk to do the deed that may harm you but you do it anyway again and again. 

The fear that comes with depression has made me a selfish coward .... well to my mind anyway, and yes it's a real illness . 

Selfishness and cowardice are things that are opposite to how I live and how I want to live and that is what I have to remember to get me through no matter what lies my monster tells me.

If you live life having done altruistic deeds then it makes it easier to believe that it is who you really are which is why I believe in actions being more important than just words. 

I try to be a man of my word, I try not to be a total cunt. I don't pretend to try I do it, I try.    

If you can keep your head when all about you, Are losing theirs and blaming it on you, If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too.... blah blah blah.

If, by Rudyard Kipling is a poem that is more like an instruction manual than just a poem. My late father clipped it out of a magazine and sent it to me once. It is the best advice a father could give to a son if the father didn't really do emotion and advice.

Why have I described my depression as a monster? because I can fight a monster, it's easier to externalize depression in order to fight it than say fighting yourself. I get angry at my depression and kick it's ass. I hate what depression does to me, I hate how it makes me feel so I direct that hate right back at it .... rather than directing it at myself.

Sometimes self-loathing will win a skirmish but not the war. Old Knudsen has embraced it to a point as it's surely a part of him as his fine muscular arms are. Being at war with yerself isn't a good way to live so making fear and that side of you yer bitch is vitally important, keep it close as you would yer enemies so they can't pull any of their shit.

Embrace all yer sides the good and the bad so you'll know what to work on and what you are happy with.  

Depression often feels as if it comes in waves, some waves bigger and more powerful than others, keep yer head and don't panic, the waves will be over soon enough. Robin Williams forgot that, he didn't see any hope, he had the narrow panicked tunnel vision of someone who was tired of struggling in the currents. 

Just a rest that's all I need.  

 

He was funny, he was brave, he was hairy, he was human and he will be missed.

His last Instagram was to his daughter Zelda at the end of July, wishing her a happy 25th birthday. I hope his family can find the strength they need during this time.  Zelda who is an actress has had idiots on Twitter giving her a hard time and posting inappropriate pictures saying that they were her father. She is quitting Twitter due to it.

Sometimes it's people rather than depression that are the monsters.

Suicide Blonde

 Glad to see she kept her dignity by keeping her socks on, that is sooo hawt!

Before she died Old Knudsen only knew Peaches Geldof as being the daughter of Bob Geldof and for having a stupid name ..... not as stupid as Fifi Trixibelle but on the same level as Pixie. 

I had not posted my opinion on Peaches because well I didn't have one as I wanted to see how everyone else saw her. She was called the UK's Paris Hilton with the above picture cumming from a  heroin-fueled one-night stand back in 2009.


She had a history of drug abuse getting caught paying dealers and leaving a drug shopping list in a pub, yeah she was a tortured soul and self medicated to get by.
I didn't know the lass but losing yer mother to a drug overdose at an early age must have sucked, it's a classic casebook move for her to do the same.

When parents abuse their kids there is a high chance that the kid will be an abuser just like if a parent commits suicide then there is the high risk the child will do the same. A learned response to what is happening to them.
Getting caught in the shadow of someone who shaped yer life can be difficult to escape, with depression you live as if you have blinkers on, only seeing the bad shit and thinking the bad stuff no matter what people around you say.

When people think you should be one thing and you pretend to be that thing then yer just wasting yer life and not being true to yerself.
Society thinks that Old Knudsen should accept things the way they are and since he lives in a socialist cuntry that he should be grateful for anything he gets such as poor healthcare. Oh and never complain cos because everyone else is happy enough, it must just be you  .... well Old Knudsen doesn't go for that and would rather be himself and hated than one of the sheeple who are bullied into submission and also hated anyway. 

I have heard that Bob was not the most supportive when her mother Paula Yates had died of a drug overdose, he was more into appearing as if things were normal and sending them to school as per usual.

Peaches taking a selfie when a ghost hand appears in her picture.  

Bob Geldof does strike Old Knudsen as being a bit of a dick but respect to anyone who can make the fame from one hit song last a life time. A song that cashed in on tragedy like that other cunt Bono and his Bloody Sunday tune. 

 Don't worry, her phone is safe.

You should not speak ill of the dead but I do believe in speaking truthfully about the dead as Old Knudsen is not one to gloss over shit. Aye don't mention the durty secrets, just let others repeat them rather than learn from them. 

Peaches had two young children, should she be doing hard core drugs still? You can possibly forgive a little weed as you would a glass of wine but I'm sorry lass, injecting heroin when two young children depend on you is a cuntish thing to do. 

Aye whatever ....  you and Kurt Cobain are such dark souls that no one understood, I have another name for it, self pitying addict, that's what.

You were 25, married with kids so it is time to grow up and put others first for a change. Maybe you didn't mean to die, you just meant to be high as a kite while you looked after yer 11-month-old son... nice one Super nanny. 

There is no excuse for choosing drugs over yer children, you were a selfish bint who dragged others doon with yer issues that you hadn't dealt with. I wonder if any of the children will grow old or will they be "tortured souls" too.

She lived life too fast and the various staging intertwined, the junkie party gurl had no place in that nice home in Kent with her child. 

I don't want to hear in the news how tragic and sad Bob is because everyone who knows him wants to kill themselves, I want to hear the truth and how people in the same place in life can handle things better.

We can learn from Peaches and Paula, if you are self destructive then either kill yerself before you involve others in yer life or man up, face yer issues and do the right thing by yer children. Fear of what will happen to yer kids should be enough motivation.

   

Dead Knight Time

How will you be remembered after death? Will anyone remember you? Does it really matter? As long as people remember you then yer rest in the cosmic soup is going to be less than peaceful.

This knight said, "If I die in battle, make me a statue on my crypt with me in my armour, with cool lions on my shoulders and my mighty sword resting on top of me, but above all, make me look like a bold warrior who died surrounded by the bodies of his slain enemies .

If you make me look ghey I will cum back and give you the willies ..... what are you laughing at? 

 

60 People Who Will Die In 2014

Deadpool sees all

I've read the tea leaves, consulted the oracle and phoned the people up to ask how they were doing. Now I have come up with a list of folk who will die in 2014. See you in December for a final score. 
If one or two don't die by the 31st December then give me until the 2nd of January to fix it.

1 Ian Paisley
2 Kirk Douglas
3 Stan Lee
4 Betty White

5 Olivia de Havilland, I shall miss our marathon sex sessions but yer getting on a bit and yer sis whom you hadn't spoken to in years just carked it so go and make up.   

6 Eli Wallach
7 Zsa Zsa Gabor

8 William Shatner, yay made it! got away with killing yer wife but now you can go and be with her.

9 Mickey Rooney 
10 Donald Sinden
11 Doris Day
12 Lauren Bacall
13 Hal Holbrook
14 Dick Van Dyke
15 Sidney Poitier

16 Jerry Stiller, I love this guy but time waits for nomads ....

17 Roger Moore
18 Martin Landau
19 Ed Asner

20 Clint Eastwood, “Respect your efforts, respect yourself. Self-respect leads to self-discipline. When you have both firmly under your belt, that’s real power.” ..... Poor Clint caught Alzheimers off some ghey black people and shot himself before he got too bad, for fucks sake!  He did a film called Deadpool which was shite so this is karma. 


21 Sean Connery

22 Kim Novak, a sexy witch who never left Old Knudsen's wank bank.

23 Chuck Yeager
24 Henry Kissinger
25 Richard Attenborough
26 George Bush Snr

27 Ex-Pope Benedict XVI, a total cunt much like the current Pope but Benny wasn't playing the PR game, he was playing the long game.
 
28 Jackie Chan
29 Bill Cosby
30 Jimmy Carter
31 Mikhail Gorbachev
32 James Randi
33 Kenny Rogers

34 Charles Manson, this sad sack didn't even have the balls to kill anyone himself, instead he relied on drugged out hippies to kill heavily pregnant weemen .... what a loser.

35 Mick Fleetwood
36 Fats Domino
37 Chuck Berry

38 Chuck Norris

39 Muhammad Ali, not so tough now ya draft dodger. Old Knudsen beat him in a fight in 2009, his wheelchair was difficult to push over but I did it. 

40 David Hasselhoff
41 Robert Guillaume
42 John Cleese
43 James Earl Jones

 

44 Stephen Hawking, I'd be a genius too if I rolled around with Google in front of me. Old Knudsen beat him in a fight in 2009, his wheelchair was difficult to push over but I did it.

45 Patrick Stewart
46 Charlie Sheen
47 Axel Rose
48 Robert Downey Jr

49 Tom Baker, for a timelord age has not been kind to him.

50 Kris Kristofferson
51 Cillian Murphy
52 Amanda Seyfried
53 Paul Weller
54 Rihanna
55 Dick Cheney  

56 Stephen Fry, this bloke is just so British, no wonder the Fleggers all want to be like him. This cunt got depressed and took some pills in 2014..... no one noticed for 6 months. 

57 Willie Frazer, the durty sheep flegging fucker. He claimed to have cancer when he was being sentenced for his crimes of incitement but has never mentioned it since. This ridiculous wee man needs to not be alive, maybe this is his year. 

58 Jonathan Rhys Meyers
59 Dalai Lama   
60 Martin Sheen 

Some may be wishful thinking but putting it out there may get the universe to make it real.

Odd And Dead

A strange November it was for deaths. The fates seemed to decide that time was up and that was that. Sylvia Browne the woman who claimed she was a physic and made millions out of guessing the names of loved ones died. She was 77 and of course we all wonder if she knew before hand ....  I doubt it. Her death was one of those in which you catch her name on the news and look up and go "oh" no emotional attachment just that you didn't expect to hear it.  

Lewis Collins a British actor of limited range died in his LA home of cancer, he was aged 67. He always played a tough guy capturing all the typical tough guy tells like the raised eyebrow, the flared this is serious nostrils and the mouth shaped like he was sucking on a sweet much like Daniel Craig.

I look at Collins and have always imagined him to be a conceited arsehole type who didn't make it big but might have if he wasn't a dick, that is the impression I get from just looking at him.

One of those celebs who you don't hear of for 20 years until they die. 

Then of course Paul Walker who will now be known as Paul Walker from the fast and the furious franchise .
Walker who was only 40 was the passenger in a Porsche driven by a friend from a charity event. I'm guessing the friend went too fast and might have been showing off when all of a sudden a tree jumped out from no where and killed them both in a mighty fireball.

 Guns don't kill, trees do.

In 2011 Ryan Dunn from that TV show Jackhole also died in a fireball in his Porsche GT ... they blow up when you don't expect them too, what a perfect penis substitute. Dunn killed his male passenger in that crash.

I've not watched a single Fast and furious movie because I know they are shite and I won't. I doubt this little speed bump of one of the main actors dying will slow the franchise it down any, I can only hope, it's not as if anyone else couldn't do that role.  Seven Fast and furious movies  WTF ? Make it into a TV show and call it the Dukes of Hazard for fucks sake.

I imagine that the people who watch them also loved the Expendables and all that shite Jason Statham does ..... shame on you.  

The lesson to learn from Walker's death is that a man with a big shiny red Porsche is probably a dick and might kill you and maybe you should have re-posted that thing on Facebook.

Don't worry Harry Potter and Transformer actors there is no karmic justice from making bad movies, this was just a tragic accident, if there was justice then Nicolas Cage would have died years ago.  

  

Kirk Douglas Dead

Interest has risen since I told the world that prince Philip was a zombie, now people are asking, 'are there any more high profile zombies?'
Being undead is no longer such a social taboo in Hollywood and there are more than you'd think.

Kirk Douglas died of a heart attack in the mid 90's during a coke fueled orgy, as he has connections he had already arranged for his CIA buddies to inject him with the unstable secret serum which has been in general use on the public in such states such as Florida and Arizona with mixed results. A successful zombie rate of 40% is better than death and it looks like Douglas beat the odds. 

Being a Hollywood legend, Douglas has an army of volunteers allowing him to feed of them just for the honour of being ate by a Hollywood star of his status.   

Son Michael Douglas actually caught zombie syndrome after giving a rim job to undead Angela Lansbury. He now juggles being undead and being a has been movie star and father to three ... unless he eats one.

James Gandolfini Dead

Rest in peace James Gandolfini, so much for the Mediterranean diet keeping you alive forever, the TV commercials lied !!!

Posers

 

Paris Hilton the famous ....... well Paris Hilton was recently snapped posing beside her injured boyfriend as he was on a stretcher being carted off to hospital.

Well that isn't the worst thing shes posed for. Remember yon Jewish ghetto when the Nazis were rounding up the Jews to kill?  Well Old Knudsen does, Hilton saw them and said "thats hot!"

Can the silly bint do anything else anyway?

Ach if weemen didn't have yon gash between their legs Old Knudsen wouldn't even talk to them .... does that sound sexist? 

Prince Philip Dead

Why do we keep trying to fool ourselves? have we not seen enough death to be able to take it like adults?  Everytime some celeb gets ill especially old uns they always perk up and after the collective world sigh of relief the fcuker goes and dies, yes Robin Gibb I'm looking at you.

Only the likes of Ian Paisley get better after an illness because that fcuker is too bitter to die.

Why can't they just drop dead from outta nowhere like Heath Ledger and Michael Jackson? .... oh the drama, I'm still holding on ya know.

Old Knudsen is Jubileed out. If I see one more pampered inbred royal it will be too soon ... Gog save the Queen BTW.
Prince Philip's birthday is on Sunday and men tend to go after their birthdays, they have to see what they got one last time ya see.

I've claimed that Prince Philip died in December 2011 and I'm sticking to it but the news of his death will be after his birthday and the nation will go into shock..... blah blah blah, he has lived longer than most fathers and grandfathers and what is so special about him besides having been born into privilege?

Old Knudsen reserves the right to say whatever, move it along. Ray Bradbury just died and he did a lot more for the world than be mouthpiece garden ornament with a ton of medals.

Yes the Prince served during the war, well not to belittle that but so did many others and they didn't make it to the age of 90, besides he was navy and that doesn't really count its the army that wins wars.

Ka - Chow!  
      

Yes this is another Prince Philip dead post because Old Knudsen likes to mess with the Interweb search engines.

The Saturday Informer

Patrick Swayze died at his Beverly Hill's home of pancreatic cancer he was 56.

The Dirty dancing, Ghost and Next of kin star had been fighting the disease since 2008. His last words were concerning the ratings of his show The Beast.



Also Apocalypse Now actor and former US president Martin Sheen has died of a heart attack aged 68. Sheen who was a big believer in UFO's founded the California United for Non Terrestrial Species and was in Northern California on a stake-out of the skies near Lampton Mountain a UFO hot spot.

Old Knudsen will keep you informed when # 3 happens.


On an upbeat note, Donald the cute wee puppy was rescued from his home when it caught on fire killing all 5 occupants. Donald only suffered a little bit of smoke inhalation and is said to be doing fine.

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