Your Beard May Be Full Of Fecal Matter

This guy hasn't washed in 60 years and smokes animal shit so I'm sure his beard is full of cack. 

I've long been interested in the trends of clean shaven as opposed to beards and have watched with amusement the outright discrimination that having a beard generates from some .... 'oh you'd better be clean shaven if you want to apply for a job' ..... it's not a fucking face tattoo and unlike a face, neck or hand tattoo a beard does not display yer lack of class or IQ.

Not that this guy could grow any real facial hair.

Why will no one give me a job? Must be religious persecution because I have an upside down pentagram on my head, even Devil worshipers need jobs you know. 

The story going around Facebook is how yer hipster beard may be full of fecal matter, unlike clean shaven men. News headlines like, 'Beards contain more poo than toilets' get bandied about which means people are pooping on hipsters rather than using their shitters .... Hey I don't judge, nothing wrong with a hot lunch.  

Old Knudsen was smearing shit over his face long before the hipsters thought it was cool by the way.

The study was done by a TV station and not in a very scientific way, swabbing bearded men but no clean shaven ones .... oh c'mon people. 

Beardless Microbiologist John Golobic said, "I’m usually not surprised, and I was surprised by this, there would be a degree of uncleanliness that would be somewhat disturbing."

First day as a Microbiologist? Is that even a real thing? Does Mr Golobic not know that bacteria is everywhere? Yes even the kind found in fecal matter, did you know that when you smell a fart you are inhaling bacteria found in fecal matter?

I hope Mr Golobic never swabs his toothbrush, aye sure having the fecal matter of yer own family on yer toothbrush, face cloth and whatever is one thing but when the electrician doing a repair asks if he can use yer bog ..... 2 million bacteria per square inch on yer bathroom floor alone.

The kitchen sink is usually less sanitary than yer toilet so mix it up sometimes by crapping in the sink and doing the dishes in the crapper.

Yer carpeted floor is 4,000 times more dirty than yer toilet seat and yon computer keyboard ... well just don't think about it. Hey yer phone is ringing, someone wants to tell you that yer phone is 500 times dirtier than the toilet, yeah hold it up to yer face so you can listen.

MSNBC reported that 72% of shopping carts had fecal bacteria on them. Most food production has an acceptable amount (5%) of rodent feces/hair and insects in whatever foods they make. You can't avoid it.

There are many men who can't grow beards, sure it makes you less of a man but I'm sure yer a very nice person. Of course those people all work in the werld of personal grooming and the beard cum back is bad news for them. 

You are head to toe covered in bacteria, some maybe from the family related to fecal matter but not all bacteria is harmful, most of our bacteria is beneficial. Remember when those aliens invaded and as soon as they opened the door they died? .... good times, that was beneficial or remember when we gave small pox blankets to the injuns? ..... ok not a good example but if we didn't kill all those Native Americans with our beneficial European germs we wouldn't have all those fine American cities and states named in their honour. 

Showering in bleach everyday won't get rid of the bacteria but washing yer hands and being mindful of what you touch will help you stay more healthy. 

Old Knudsen doesn't mind germs, his own but other people's germs are not acceptable. Cough and sneeze into yer elbow crack (vampire sneeze) not yer hand, push elevator buttons with yer knuckles and when a public restroom has a door you have to pull or push in order to get out use yer cuff over yer hand. 

Who the fuck designs a restroom with doors you have to touch? No wonder many people just don't bother to wash their hands. 

If you have a beard use common sense, pick bits of left over food out of it and give it a rinse after some muff diving, don't listen to the beardless facial hair haters, they probably kiss their wee doggies and kitties. Clean shaven men have as much bacteria on them as bearded ones have, their shit does stink.    

From Hipsters To Bukkake The Trends Revolve

Why trends happen, we here at Old Bitter Balls study history and the effects it has on the present and pay attention to the regurgitation of trends. Bare naked ladies ... the pop group had a song called It's all been done and it has been. How many times do we hear, 'leggings and 80's leg warmers are making a comeback' or 'you may mock my grunge look but it's all the rage'? ... probably never unless you hang out with fag hags at ghey bars, in my defense the Strutting Cock looked like a straight bar.

I don't 'get' Hipsters and so I want to punch them, it's a natural reaction to strange things. I get the beard, it went from porn taches to clean shaven to stubble to goatee and now full beard, sure there were some who indulged their mid life crisis and played around with the likes of a soul patch. Some more edgy and slightly metal groups had beards forever but the more they became mainstream the more acceptable beards have become.

Like Gangsta rappers who sell out by getting wealthy and now soccer moms listen to them.

Much to the upset of Old Knudsen's family he had often indulged his inner beardy, it was one more thing for them to belittle me about ... ha ha you look like a terrorist was what I got. To annoy them I started shouting Allah Akbar knowing full well their small minded unworldly wise mindset meant an IRA terrorist.
Old Knudsen got the last laugh when he saw Jamie Dornan become a hit with the TV show The Fall (set in Belfast) as then beards became the thing to have, Northern Ireland finally caught up with the rest of the world.

Over the centuries beards and the clean shaven look have battled, the (real) Goths and Vandals with their facial hair being barbarians against the clean shaven and civilised Romans. The British military enforce a clean cut look for appearance as well as discipline since with the Brits appearances matter more than comfort. During the Korean war the British still shaved in the below freezing conditions while the Americans let that rule slide a little and went scruffy.

Now the British say stupid things like, 'you have to be clean shaven or yer gas mask won't seal right' of course the navy are allowed beards because .... I don't know cos they are cunts maybe? Sikhs in the British army get away with all sorts of shit in order to not hurt their feelings.

Back to Hipsters, they are usually well groomed, hairy faced with big spectacles and they dress sort of like an emo goth going golfing.
Though their fine beards hark back to a time when bearded men sailed the 7 seas hunting whales and shagging native weemen as a change to the cabin boy or when men went up to the mountains in search of beaver, twat and pussy killing any red skin who dared suggest that it was their land, the Hipster doesn't do manly, their manly is being comfortable with being who they are which is quite difficult for many of us.

The Hipster in their quest to be unique and themselves have borrowed trends from the past and just thrown them together. The skater look, the grunge look, the yuppy look, the big beard (Edwardian?) look, the mammie's ear rings look, the metrosexual look, the vintage golfer look.

This look of disdain is my happy look .

It's more than just being themselves it's a uniform and if you don't get it right expect a harsh mocking though most Hipsters should expect that anyways. Remember when you laughed at spides who wore red trousers? ... well they made a comeback. 
The whatever attitude is important too. A serious Hipster always has to be first with the trends, they must tell everyone how they have been into singers or fads that suddenly hit mainstream popularity that they were into them seriously for years so yer discovery is invalid, if things become too mainstream they then refuse to like it anymore.

An off shoot to the Hipster attitude is when people say they have read the book when a movie comes out or they have every copy of the graphic novels ... this becomes annoying when they then compare the books to the movies and show real outrage that SOMETHING WAS NOT IN THE BOOK that was done on screen. It's like OCD gone berserk.        

It will be fun to see these Hipsters remain hip as they get old. They could then actually claim to know things that you wouldn't have heard of ... 'I was into e-mail back when it was on paper and had a stamp, you probably haven't heard of those, it was more dedicated and edgy than e-mails.' 

Shitty looking tattoos don't matter if yer pretty. 

Hipsters can get away with just about any look if they are attractive ... that is the number one rule. A guy with a beard and rippling 6 pack abs makes being a Hipster sexy. Just being a Hipster implies intelligence, like when you say you are an atheist or a liberal, that implies intelligence ... or used to. 

People have discovered that toys, cartoons and comics are cool at any age and no longer the domain of nerdy virgins who play World of Warcraft or Dungeons and Dragons. Old Knudsen is at home fondling a gun as much as he is an action figure of Ironman but putting a golfing tee through his ear and wearing Converse is a little too much.
Old Knudsen was into the alternative lifestyle when it was called being a weirdo that gurls feel uncomfortable being around.

     

    
Glasses imply intelligence too. Men don't make passes to gurls wearing glasses. That doesn't mean because glasses are unattractive, it means that because she has glasses on she obviously reads and is too intelligent to fall for chat up lines about angels falling from Heaven. The sexy librarian always removes her glasses which triggers her hair to fall down thus revealing her real sexy nature. 
 

Kit Harrington insulted Belfast even though he still has to live there and squints a lot, I suspect he wears glasses to see with rather than to appear intelligent. 

No longer does having glasses mean that you want to see shit, every pop star and boy band stick them on, they are a clear glass non-prescription fashion item.

We also use them in the porn industry to not get jizz in our eyes. When Old Knudsen sees a pair of Hipster glasses he either thinks of Christoper Reeve as Superman or bukkake, either way he gets a raging hard on, merely by memory association.

So trends like how men didn't shave because they didn't need to or to protect their face from the cold have been bastardized and turned  soft mainstream fads, just as tattoos have become. If a real man (like meself) grows a beard he then must walk around with an axe or a dead elk or people will think he's a poser.    

I was doing bukkake before the Japanese even had a word for it.

The great circle of trends have you wearing sky blue jackets and trousers when yer old anyway, as long as they cover yer arse you won't care if they are skinny or have yer mankles showing. Young people dress funny, old people shake their heads then eventually the young person becomes the old person and listens to music they would never have listened to as a young un because it wasn't cool enough but now they get it because they have life experience and they shake their heads at what the youngsters are wearing.

A Close Shave Zombie Attack

I'm dead, I'm supposed to smell, what's your excuse egg and onion boy ?

I like zombies and I can't deny. Something about being allowed to kill people without fear of prison and hey, they aren't really people, just like those half naked hoors on the Interwebs who aren't really people either. 

"You don't know my name, nor do you care. Fill your trashcan with Kleenex in my honour."

Ya don't have to tell Old Knudsen twice.  So a couple of things I've noticed about the living deed, you don't get zombies with beards. Maybe the odd closely trimmed goatee but not a real manly beard. 

Of course there is always some fucker like Hershel here to be an exception to the rule.  Hershel (from the walking dead) was killed by a human so that doesn't count. Does beards make you invulnerable to zombie attacks then? 

A 2010 report said that men with beards were more honest than those without, maybe zombies can't handle the truth.

Then again maybe zombies see beardies as really tasty food and that is why you don't see any. 

You have movie titles like Night of the living dead and Day of the dead and while Dawn of the dead has the word dawn in it that means beginning rather than in the morning. I can't imagine that zombies are really good morning people considering the amount of anger and resentment they carry around.  I bet that zombies lie in until noon like civilised people do. 

"You aren't going to make it through the night Mrs Wilson so you lie in and get some rest before you try to eat people.....  Is my husband here? ..... Fucks sake you stupid bint, your husband died 30 years ago, that's all we need zombies with Alzheimers ..... Are you my daughter? ..... in yer dreams."  

The Morning of the dead,  "Lets hide in the rest home, those zombies are less aggressive as they don't know what time of the day it is and forget to put their dentures or just forget to attack you ..... nice beard by the way. "

Just as long as you don't have any children in yer group as bored old people are attracted to children in the same way that sharks go for chum. 

If the zombie apocalypse happens on a Saturday night the UK will only find out on Monday as no one will notice on Saturday as staggering, aggressive people are the norm and with Sunday being the day of rest when God slept off his hangover the news outlets also have hangovers and don't report fresh news. 

Saturday of the living dead .......