Stop The Drill In Woodburn Forest

Here's how it starts, a fossil fuel company maybe called 'InfraStrata' or something else not very friendly sounding asks councilors if they can leash public land so they can drill an exploratory hole to look for oil or gas ..... it's just an itty bitty hole so who cares?

The councilors like money so they agree. The public land is in a wooded area called Woodburn forest and near Woodburn reservoir. No where in the world has there been drilling allowed on public land that is a water catchment area, it supplies water to the local towns and even a part of Belfast .... but the councilors like money.

If they find oil or gas then they'll pay more money and turn it into a commercial well. Councilors like bigger amounts of money. In far away Ballymena the councilors voted that drilling should happen and that the crusty protestors should be removed.
Of course the roads that reach the site are public so the police can't really do much according to the law unless money is applied that is.

Funny how there has been more action to remove protestors at a drilling site than there have been to remove the idiot Loyalists at the Twaddell Avenue protest camp, money talks.  

 InfraStrata make Hulk angry!

Actor Mark Ruffalo even weighed in and said what a pack of cunts you'd have to be to drill in Woodburn Forest. He might have used other werds and maybe added ' bag of dicks' to the Minister for the Environment, Mark H Durkan.

A licence granted to Infrastrata to drill in Woodburn Forest, 350 metres from a reservoir supplying drinking water to 131,000 people.... What the fuck? Either a incompetence or a major backhander, it's Norn Iron, it could be either or both.

Infrastrata and NI Water say there is no risk to drinking water as the two kilometre drill shaft will be shielded by steel and concrete. Because there have never ever been any accidents or fuck ups and the chance of putting cancer causing chemicals into clean drinking water is worth the risk .... yer a 1 in 5 chance of getting cancer anyways so quit yer whining.


Who doesn't like to drink and wash in Biocide T and Barium Sulphate? 24,000 kgs of Barium Sulphate will be injected into the water table ground to release any gas there .... sounds safe right? The chemicals all get magically removed and do not seep into the water table at all ... it's magic bitches! ... you just have to believe.

 Doing the 'po po' they are trained to stand this way and Mrs Peeler on the left, dat ass! I'd like to do some drilling of my own. 

Ruffalo and his organization Water Defense will be sending out home water testing kits to residents because no one else is looking after them.

At far away Ballymena the Mid and East Antrim Council which are responsible for the Woodburn area have said.

"Hey bey, we like money, tractors, cocaine, sheep and a God that is Protestant, it won't affect our watter so may your childer enjoy their cancer."

In Northern Ireland we don't have much environment, trees get cut down and hardly any get planted to replace them. There are a few nice places but over all it's bleh, not very dramatic, you have to go to the south of Ireland for places that Hollywood want to make movies in as they just use CGI for the north. 

They shot Robot Overlords here but pretended it was England. 

Fracking has polluted areas in the US for decades but because it's a large country they can get away with it somewhat though less and less as we see the damage. We're like 50 miles across we'd be toxic in no time.  It pollutes the ground, it pollutes the water table and it pollutes the air with all the polluted dust it kicks up, there is no coming back from it. 

We have fuck all environment without officials deciding to risk it without telling the people. If the Minister for the Environment and all those others that voted to drill weren't already open to the idea of a large commercial operation in the area then we wouldn't have any exploration drilling ....  This is just the beginning if they find something.

It's perfectly safe, except for all the times it hasn't been.   

Those cunts in charge want to drill and want to poison yer ugly wee kids, this isn't a NIMBY (not in my back yard) issue with the eye sore of wind turbines (which look class) this is important shit, no invented epilepsy or cancer from staring at wind turbines, you'll be able to taste and smell the change. 

Drilling all to sell it elsewhere and we are left with the fall out, literally until they use us up and leave to drill in the next clean water catchment area.     

James Nesbitt Has The Luck O The Orish

The people of Northern Ireland don't speak proper. An education more interested in you remembering all the fairy tales of the Bible than talking good like the Queen does. There was a good reason that regional dialects were kept off the telly for decades.

You know us Norn Irish people, always ready to scream "racism!" when presenter Christine Bleakley isn't offered a job in England or gets subtitles ... aye, we're the fucken Paddy race and we'll cut ya. The Scots are a diluted version of us so if you picture an island full of Glaswegians .... you get the idea. 

James Nesbitt, a son of Old Knudsen's Ballymena where that other legend Liam Neeson was born stars in a show called Stan Lee's Lucky Man.  I don't know what Stan Lee has to do with it besides being an attention hoor in the title.
A Ballymena detective on the edge, living in London has a gambling addiction which ruined his marriage. He's also a bit of a dick so no stretch in acting for Nesbitt. He is given a magic bracklet that he can't get rid of and it brings him amazing good luck .... oh no, I'm doomed to keep winning the lottery.

I'm sexy for the UK ... just not enough for the US though. 

Why do they never play the lotto? The time traveler's wife, in that they did the lottery, instead Nesbitt bets on dog racing ... well I did say he was a dick, dicks like dog racing.

Most people are concerned about whether he is wearing a wig or has hair plugs but Old Knudsen's shoulders go up every time he speaks.
That's the US market out, they'll never be able to understand him. Old Knudsen had to clean up his own accent and slow down for the Yanks to understand him and even then if they just didn't expect an accent there would be a blank look. Americans go straight into condition black with that thousand yard stare when faced with something they don't expect. "Killer pads? why the fuck would I want killer pads which don't even exist? I'm in the air conditioning section of Ace hardware, maybe I'm looking for cooler pads ... oh for fucks sake, I'll do a mime."


Old Knudsen has long shed his Ballymena accent (on purpose) but will still speak fast when annoyed. My accent has been described as lilting ... so fuck yous.

Nesbitt lays it on thick, "c'mon big fella" he says to a card dealer in the first 5 minutes. He looks for the murderer of a Chinese fella named Lau. You may pronounce Lau with ow! when you hit yer thumb but with an 'L' at the front, Nesbitt goes around talking about Loy .... similar to the end of 'alloy.'

Remember the scene in Inglorious basterds when Landa was getting them to re-pronounce the Italian werds they were brutalizing, why don't people correct Nesbitt? C'mon people, lets show some real English/Paddy hatred going on here. "Fucken Paddy, cumming over here taking our jobs when e don't speak good like wot we do innit .... guvnor, cor blimey."   

Maybe it's the luck of the Irish .... the whole show is racist! By having a Paddy as the lucky man they are slyly giving credence to the luck of the Irish which started as a derogatory term to explain Irish success because it couldn't have been down to hard werk cos they are always drunk and fighting so it must be luck. 

 Preforming 'Three men and a lamb' at the The Braid Arts Centre in Ballymena

Liam Neeson, one of Old Knudsen's people I know with money close friends has got several werds written into his contract that he refuses to say on screen. He also refuses to suck cock ... on screen that is. 

The werds he won't say are:

Ferry or even Fairy .... what you'll get out of him are Furry, which is about animals having anthropomorphic attributes like walking upright and speaking. The expression "It would skin a fairy" meaning yes, it is rather cold today can be mistaken as being anti-furry as skinning one on a cold day would be quite harsh. 

Shower and combined with power shower is a disaster. You'd get purr shurr or something similar, a very difficult concept to mime yer way out of.  
  
If you are concerned for the poor this may also sound like purr. 

Neeson never orders a Latte or he'd be saying lattie. 

A Buffet could become an all you can eat buffy, which is great if yer a vampire slayer. 

There is a fella on Russian Toady Russian Today (RT) and he keeps going on about news updates on the ourr .... c'mon people, a little bit of effort, would someone please tell these yokels they aren't talking in English.    

Luckily Neeson and Nesbitt were raised sheep shagging cuntry bumpkins and didn't have the Belfast accent to deal with (another dialect Old Knudsen avoided) as then things like Top, Shop, and Box all become Tap, Shap, and Bax.  Yes it was funny when Top Shop opened in Belfast.  




   

Liam Neeson Visits Ballymena

Liam Neeson has agreed to do a film promoting his birth town of Ballymena. Recently he was awarded the freedom of Ballymena which means he is allowed to enter any homes in the town and watch you sleep and maybe eat from yer fridge depending what you have.

Here he is at the beautiful Slemish mountain (490 foot high ... wow!) it's the plug of some extinct volcano. It is where the St Patrick after being captured as a slave was forced to tend sheep before doing what Neeson himself did and escaped the fuck out of there. On a clear day from the top of Slemish you can just about make out Big Ben in London and the London eye if your eyesight is really good. To the east you can see the Mull of Kintyre which was the castle that Rob Roy MacGregor lived in.

Beautiful Fairhill shopping centre. If you can find (not free) parking after being trapped in the town's one way system then come here. Shop at the 50 stylish shops you can find in Belfast or Abbeycentre (a very tiny and lame mall) and marvel at how the main doors open and close as if they know you want to go in or out .... you may have to push past the locals who find this phenomenon amazing. If you stop in for a latte, make sure you pronounce it properly as latty as the Ballymena baristi tend to be uber snooty about coffee matters.    

Remember you are in the Bible belt so heads and arms need to be covered. I almost played Ballymena's moral compass the Reverend Ian Paisley once but they wouldn't let me hold a gun in the movie poster so I said "NO!" .... but not like he did cos I can't do voices.

Visit St Patrick's army barracks .... sure it's closed now and they are turning it into housing but still. It's beside the two high schools .... which are also closed. Oh, it's near the leisure centre, I remember running home after a good swim when I was young. I ran because the Protestant fuckers chased me to beat me up which is why I learned to box  .... ah, good times.

Enjoy our famous Michelin factory, that has now closed down.   

Marvel at Gallaghers cigarette factory, that has now closed down too.

Our beautiful Wrightbus factory is still open, though it did lose out on a major contract to a Belgium firm ... we didn't take that well.

Having the key to the town city means I can cum and plough your field, whether you like it or not.

One thing Ballymena has a great supply of is coke, just ask anyone for some, we have an annual snort the charlie off a wheelie bin festival.

To save the best for last they say that blondes have more fun.With a ratio of 10 sheep to 1 man you know we have fun here.
You won't see many women in Ballymena but that's because they often tend to look manly, I blame the the chemicals that run off from the farms into our main fishing river.   

Ballymena people are known for their friendliness, unless you are a stranger, soldier or a Fenian like me. Don't look them in the eyes and most of all enjoy Ballymena .... *the city of the seven towers.*


*It's just a name, no towers and it's just a town*    

    

ISIS List Future Attacks

Daesh (the terror group formerly known as ISIS) captured our own people and cut their heads off, we gasped in horror, they cut the heads of numerous Kurds, we protested in anger, they set a Jordanian fighter pilot on fire, we said wha? they beheaded 30 Christians in Libya, 5 Libyan journalists, they killed 200 Yazidis ..... to be honest with you Daesh we lost interest ages ago. Sure it was shocking and shit but you get desensitized to it very quickly and the new Avengers movie is out as is the royal baby, how fucking awesome! 
 

Puff daddy diddy got our gurls back, yay for our hero!

We even got 234 of our girls back who were captured by Boko Harem and all we did was use hashtags, the Islamic State has lost its edge, lets call it the Ishamic State. 214 of those gurls are now pregnant which means we can use the baby DNA to find the terrorists #dnachecknow and #catchmybabydaddy.

Yes the real figure of abducted gurls is 2,000 since the beginning of last year but 234 is a win since we did fuck all to help them. 

We will tell you where we'll attack ... is next Tuesday good for your death Obama? 

Trying to be scary Daesh has released a load of US cities that they'll attack. We were just saying fuck you Indiana the other week so threatening to attack Michigan City and Bolivar isn't that worrying.

Seven of the places to be attacked are in Texas ... yep one of the most heavily armed states in the US full of Scots/Irish descendants always gagging to shoot someone so good luck to you. Two assholes were shot at a draw Mohamed competition last week, firstly don't fall for the old 'this will piss off the raghead' trick and secondly don't say "draw" in Texas.

Daesh have released another statement saying that they will also attack Ireland too because they have heard how beautiful it is and infidels do not deserve it. Who the fuck said it was beautiful? If you like grass and rocks then it is since the fucking Sassenachs cut all the trees doon and no one ever thought to replant them.

Turns out they were talking about Northern Ireland which to be honest is very beautiful, breath taking or is that the stench of Belfast lough on a warm day? A beautiful country province on the outskirts of the UK where the ethnic minorities are less than 1% but speaken better English than the yokels locals .... and that is why we hate them, coming over here taking the jobs we're too lazy to do, you never see them waving flegs or joining flute bands, what's wrong with them?

So besides the racism, xenophobia, poor education, violent behaviour and alcoholism the Norn Iron people are a warm, friendly bunch and are blessed to live in the land that Jesus himself settled in, he had a wee farm in the glens of Antrim which was where his mother was originally from.

If Daesh want trouble we've got loads, remember the Troubles? Terrorism is what we do in our leisure time, which is all the time.

We will attack your cities of Poleglass, Ballybeen and Rathcoole, we will not harm Belfast because the HBO executive and the bastard Jon Snow said it was bad enough.

We shall rain fire onto Liam Neeson's house in Ballymena, it will be a parking lot within an hour. The streets will be strewn with tractor parts, dead sheep and cocaine. All seven of Ballymena's mighty towers will fall and the Bible belt will be a Bible shoelace. 

We won't touch DerryLondonDerryLondon because that place looks fucking dangerous though we will make sure to visit the giants causeway because piles of rocks are really interesting.

We will obliterate the home of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, AKA the Earl and Countess of Strathearn, AKA the Baron and Baroness Carrickfergus. Even their castle will not keep them safe.

We were going to destroy Larne but someone beat us to it.

Your gleaming city of Bangor will fall into the sea and the evil that resides there will be drown and made food for the fish. 

Your beautiful Ireland will be no more and your town centers will be as ghost towns with holes in the roads and dilapidated buildings that you'll have to put stickers over as to hide your shame.

Well that's depressing, we'd better all panic, Daesh are coming to get us. Ach the Americans might panic as they are not used to being hunted, they've had sheltered lives but we had decades of cunts threatening and even trying to kill us and you know what we did? ... Aye we did drink a lot, it was a grand excuse. We lived life and didn't let the cunts get in the way of it.

Besides it's not like we won't see them coming a mile off, we have natural radar for foreigners and thanks to our poorly maintained infrastructure a brick to lob at them is always near by.  



 

   

I Killed You In Another Time Line Just For Fun

Did the TV show Dr Who rip off Old Knudsen's life? Well lets just say there are similarities. Old Knudsen does travel through space and time but not just in a time machine, he also uses mind expanding drugs too, the shamen of ancient Ballymena would often use Charlie, White, Snow, Toot, Rocks or Wash to enter on a vision quest and very often it would take you back through time only to have you emerge back in yer own time covered in blood riding the wrong way on Ballymena's crappy one way system on some strange tractor.

The legal system prefers Old Knudsen to use his Turdis, and so does his septum. While Old Knudsen has traveled through time to punch the odd historical cunt, he has also gone back in time to shag the odd bit of historical totty, a time traveler has to have his fun.

The main thing Dr Who has gotten wrong is that Old Knudsen doesn't run, it's not that he's really brave it's just that he doesn't do running. Invincible trash cans with plungers and we're all going to die? The fuck we are, run if you want Old Knudsen is going to fuck up some wheelie bins cos I've just eaten and can't be arsed to run.    

Anyways did you enjoy Easter? 

Look everyone Jesus isn't really dead. 

So I went back to 33AD ... it was a Friday and the Jews were getting the Romans to crucify Jesus. It was well nasty, almost put me off me bag of salted wolf nipple chips, the Romans sure know how to put on a show.

When he was dead and totally bereft of life me and Darren my companion partner chum assistant landed the Turdis in his crypt and took his body .... *lol!*

Yes it was funny seeing their faces when he wasn't there but even better when we did a weekend at Bernies all over the town. Thomas was a bit of a doubter, wouldn't surprise me if that cunt was an atheist. All through his life Jesus had the others blindly accepting but Thomas would say something cuntish like, "well they were very big loaves and fishes and everyone only got a bite" .... or "sure he turned water into wine he has a home brew kit but it took him 6 weeks."  Aye he also turned a tree into a table, some cattle into burgers, made a blind man see by finding his glasses and walked on water .... it rained that day so everyone walked on water but Jesus thinks he's special.   

Questions and doubts are for the weak. Showing Thomas the spear wound and the fact that Jesus could nod his head convinced him .... peer pressure played its part too.  

So yer welcome about Easter, I'd actually just wanted to fuck with their heads but a holiday and chocolate bunnies is a fucking win.

You say I'm famous for shitting myself when I died ... that makes me sad. 

When you read about Hitler you see that he just didn't bother the last couple of years, he barely left his room nor did he make any decisions. I went back and made Hitler watch a movie called  Inglourious Basterds and told Hitler that it was based on real historical fact.  Yes Hitler, you were killed as well as many of yer top men by a group of Jews who could barely speak any German ... feel wick ya loser. 

He did indeed feel wick to speak plainly he was scundered . Hitler felt embarrassed at having failed Germany so badly that he became depressed and a total shut in. Yes, Old Knudsen won the war by fucking with his head. 

One day in 1944 he heard the birds singing and the sun was out so he left his bunker to go for a walk and BAM! he entered Old Knudsen's historical fightclub. That right there was probably the last straw. 

Don't judge Old Knudsen, it's the way he rolls. Old Knudsen also talked Bonnie Prince Charlie into invading England just to have him get doon there and a friend tell him that London had a massive army which made him retreat .... it had fuck all of an army Ka-Chow! 

I also suggested to Columbus a nice vacation destination out west and swapped the Titanic's unsinkable blue prints for ones I had made in photoshop. The 4th funnel was fake you know, the original only had 3 but I didn't like odd numbers, very unlucky so I had them slap on an extra dummy one for luck. 
Apart from terrorism, Game of thrones and the crisp sandwich, Belfast is only known for a maritime disaster ... no publicity is bad publicity .  

I didn't know that Houdini was joking, otherwise I would have left him his secret key. Some have called Old Knudsen a madman in a box, others have called him a dirty fucker who rapes dead bodies, Old Knudsen refuses to let these small minded labels define him or shape the person he is.

Did you have a good Christmas last year? .... well there might not be any more but don't worry you won't notice, it will be replaced with 'Happy oral sex day' not really for the children but they'll learn. 



*When Old Knudsen types lol he is doing it scornfully as there is never any out loud laughing from him ... lol*

50 Shades Of Hay

Anastasia Silver goes to interview young entrepreneur Christopher Hay. She encounters a self made man who is beautiful, brilliant, and intimidating ..... Mostly intimidating.

Ana is startled to realize she wants this man and is desperate to get close to him but due to his lack of personal hygiene she remains distant.

Unable to resist Ana’s gash between her legs, cheap perfume and fake tan, Hay admits he wants her, too .... but on his own terms.

Shocked yet thrilled Ana hesitates. Before long though she is tied up in the barn and getting hot lunches on her chest. Maybe she should have told someone where she was going.

Hay is a Ballymena farmer, tormented by demons and consumed by drugs, alcohol, the Bible, mammy issues and the need to control.
Ana is unlike any female he has had before, mostly because of the lack of all over hair and her canny ability to walk upright and use her opposable thumbs to text with, Hay is intrigued, only his mother could interest him as much as this wan.

The couple embark on a daring, passionately physical affair, Ana discovers Hay’s secrets such as his police record for sheep worrying and explores her own dark desires such as line dancing. She belongs to him now because he knows all her social media passwords and can track her every movement with a GPS ear tag he uses to combat sheep rustlers. 

"They faced each other in the dimly lit kitchen, tall and wide he stood there holding a length of garden hose, Ana bit her lip thinking about the beating he was going to give her, she gazed at his full and manly chest and admired his six pack, 'Shouldn't that be in the fridge cooling?' she asked since she hated the taste of warm beer. Hay looked over at the six pack sitting on the counter, 'I'll teach you, ya bitch for questioning my drinking habits' he strode towards her with the hose held aloft, his rage burning like fire, her inner goddess sang as she knew that this was a beating she well deserved."

In the second book Hay takes iron pills for anemia, 50 shades darker coming out soon. 

Neeson Opens Fire On Gun Violence

When actors go off script you suddenly remember that they are people just like you and me ... well more like you than me cos yer a cunt while I'm fucking gleaming.

Liam Neeson, or Lame to his friends was asked a question in relation to the Charlie Hebdo shootings in Paris. He replied by saying, "There's just too many... guns out there"  yes Lame there are, also too many Pokemon, how is anyone ever expected to catch them all?

"I think the population is like, 320 million? There's over 300 million guns. Privately owned, in America. I think it's a disgrace. Every week now we're picking up a newspaper and seeing, 'Yet another few kids have been killed in schools' then talking about his Taken 3 character "A character like Bryan Mills going out with guns and taking revenge: it's fantasy." 

Well except when people actually do go out with guns to take revenge.

I have no idea why he started ranting on about the US when asked about Charlie Hebdo, from Ballymena ya know so not too bright, maybe high on the drugs. He isn't the first actor to make their millions blowing away bad guys on screen and then complain about gun violence.
Taken 1, 2 and 3, The A-Team, Non-Stop, A walk among the tombstones all have him totting a gun while others like Krull, Excalibur, Gangs of New York, Kingdom of Heaven, Rob Roy, Star Wars and Batman mostly contained hacking, slashing and stabbing violence which is more acceptable to liberal audiences.   

Yes it is a shame when you read about a school shooting, it makes you angry enough to kill the shooter if they are still alive .... of course I'd kill them with a hammer, knife or car as gun violence is wrong.

PARA USA who worked with Neeson on Taken 3 say they regret having worked with him and urge companies to cut ties with the Taken franchise .... I guess their cheque has cleared so they can say whatever they want as I doubt there will be another Taken movie.

Well you just never know. In Die Hard 5 John McClane was reunited with his son who was all grown up, maybe Neeson's character will have a son from a previous marriage who likes to shoot and beat people up like John McClane's son did ..... the family business.    

Never mind how many guns are in the US, just say yer fucking lines and shoot the bad guy, yer 62 it's a bit late to get a real job.
Blame the English, if they hadn't have been such cunts then the Americans wouldn't have written the right to bear arms into a part of their law.

Taken By Fear

Liam Neeson recently told of how a teacher from Texas wanted to take some students to Europe but  the parents said no because they had seen Neeson's movie Taken 2.

Well it is Texas, what can you do?

I know that Neeson can only do one accent and that's a Ballymena one but he's a very powerful actor ..... especially around the eyes. After watching him in The Grey I was nervous about strapping mini broken bottles to my hands and fighting wolves .... aye sure I've done it hundreds of times but now I was *ascared*. After the movie Jaws I never swam in the sea, that was mostly doon to the temperature of the water and the amount of raw sewage I could imagine being in it though.

Irrational fear is for the weak and kinda scares me a little.
 

Thanks to Neeson's movie Non stop, Snakes on a plane and Castaway I now have a fear of door handles, don't mock my fear you never know what that person touched right before they opened that door. I don't know what they have to do with those movies, don't ask stupid questions it's irrational fear, that means back to rations just like the war ... don't mention the war it was hell.

 
Yes I have seen yon movie Fury set in World War II and now I have a fear of Shia LaBeouf, thanks for bringing that up by the way, me therapist will be wanting to have some words with you. Look at him method acting his liddle heart out ... STOP IT!!!   

Do actors and film makers not know the power they have? Do they not have a responsibility to society?

After seeing Tom Hardy's todger and saggy balls flying around as he got naked and attacked his prison wardens in Bronson I developed a fear of going back to prison. I had this cunning plan to go and find all the old bodies, dress them up in silver suits and blast them off into space and if anyone ever found them they might think they were from the future.

Aye me plan did have one or two problem areas. Turns out that going back to prison wasn't that scary. The shower gang rape was how I remembered it, like drinking petrol, after the first few you don't notice the others. I do miss being able to fart though.

Wow, that post escalated quickly.

It's ok to come to Europe .... yeah maybe not ones from Texas, Florida or Arizona, you stay away. We are a friendly bunch, sure we might judge yer horrible fashions .... fanny packs? aye we call them bum bags and it's not against the law to hang those people who wear them.

You won't get kidnapped, the last thing a European wants is to be stuck with a mouthy American telling them how small and quaint everything is ... We aren't fucking stupid, we know that means yer cuntry is a dump that needs knocked doon and modernized. Indoor toilets indeed, the world is our toilet!   

With no guns all you have to worry about are criminals with knives and hammers, the police won't help you as they do not like to get involved so it's best if you know an ex-CIA operative, from Ballymena.

Europe has a lot to offer visitors from the States ..... um, we have old stuff. Even our modern stuff looks old. You also won't have a clue when yer being insulted cos you'll be too busy admiring our accents that you can't understand.

Don't believe everything you see in the movies. I know that when an alien invasion movie comes out that uses real places all the Americans look out the window or check the news just in case. The Bible also did that trick .... clever huh?

Sam went to Ballymena to admire the sheep .... I'm just fucking with you, sure there are sheep in Ballymena and they may be very attractive but Sam didn't exist though some other Sam may have lived in Ballymena at some time. Oh my hed is sore now, what is real?  

Don't let fear rule yer life, it's always a Brit that ends up being caught in a hostage situation or 192 people died in a plane crash, one Briton was aboard, we even claim the Irish when a Brit isn't available.

Shit, I really do need to worry then. Aw fuck it, I'm from Ballymena hey.




*Don't bend my shite it's a real fucking werd* 

 

Maurice Mills Prophet Of God

They hate us cos they anus. 

Everyone knows that Hurricane Katrina, the 2004 Tsunami and 9/11 were all caused by gheys. Yes they were God's divine retribution for taking it up the ass ... When I say everyone I mean religious whack jobs like Pat Robertson who think that free and critical thinking is the work of the devil. 

Maurice Mills, a member of the DUP in ..... Ballymena, the city of enlightenment. He said that Hurricane Katrina happened as a result of the “filthy practice of sodomy” he has been awarded an MBE in the Queen’s New Year honours list.

The councillor for Ballymena is a committed born-again Christian ... aye he should be committed. 

It was said that he had been recognised for services to local government certainly not for services to humanity such as equality. Why is it that people with the name Gaylord or Maurice bang on about how wrong sodomy is? .... maybe you should have used more lube Maurice. 
I'm sure he has tasted cock in his time, he lives in Ballymena for fucks sake, the place where horse play actually involves horses. 

 He said, "The media failed to report that the hurricane occurred just two days prior to the annual homosexual event called the Southern Decadence festival which the previous year had attracted an estimated 125,000 people."
 

How can this be so filthy and so wrong yet feels so good? I just can't stop myself.

He's certainly well informed on ghey pride stuff, I didn't even know about that. I bet he thinks about sodomy long and hard.

"Surely this is a warning to nations where such wickedness is increasingly promoted and practised."

There was me thinking it was because New Orleans has an average elevation of about six feet below sea level and the storm that had started 6 days previously over the Bahamas and became a Category 3 hurricane caused the levees and seawalls that held back the lakes and the swamp lands to break.

All along it was a vague punishment from an invisible being in the clouds who will put up with bigotry, beheadings and child abuse but doesn't like consensual sex between queers ... Now I feel stupid for not seeing that.

The Southern Decadence festival was actually cancelled in 2005, maybe a few hold outs who didn't evacuate celebrated but no, it didn't happen. There was probably more buggering going on in the Bible belt Ballymena than in New Orleans on that day.

“If I were to apologise for my comments then God would have to apologise.”  

Old Knudsen actually thinks that God has a lot of apologizing to do. Nice that Mills equates himself with the almighty though .... very DUP minded. Such a humble Christian, like Jesus himself. 

Mills won't be buying the latest band aid single anytime soon either, "This abominable and filthy practice of sodomy has resulted in the great continent of Africa being riddled with Aids."   

Always about the sodomy. A negative first experience might do that to you but you notice how he never mentions anything negative about sucking cock or rimming .... I'm just just laying out the facts. 

Knighted by the Queen and by the Pope. 

This year's list of honours include various actors and numerous well off and entitled people who deserve awards more than you do, even the Queen's head gardener at Windsor got an award ... it's who ya know. 

Mills is certainly not the first arsehole to receive honours from the Queen, shit floats it seems. Sir Jimmy Savile got an OBE and KSCG, Ian Paisley was made a baron, Rolf Harris got an OBE, MBE and CBE .... being a favourite of the royals used to save you from prosecution but more and more we're making even those self-entitled twats pay for their crimes.    

Maurice Mills is a bitter, full of hate homophobe who serves a political party based on sectarian division and governed by Bibical laws the way that they have interpreted them. 1,300 died during Hurricane Katrina but Mills probably thinks they deserved it. Empathy is for poofs.

Northern Ireland is the only part of the UK that does not allow same sex marriage and with the DUP as the ruling party I don't see that changing anytime soon. We just don't do equality here. 

For years it was the Catholics, should they really be allowed proper education and the chance to be considered for jobs the same as a Protestant? For years Protestant property owners had a vote for each property they owned, power was assured to them. Homosexuality was illegal up until 1982 and weemen certainly knew their place and did not have a voice or a choice. 

Gheys should be allowed to marry each other so they can experience the misery called marriage, then they can divorce like all the "normal" people do. 

As like the gheys, weemen in Northern Ireland are also second class citizens, if they get pregnant by accident they have to ruin both their life and the life of the unwanted child by giving birth. If they can afford it then they can travel to England for an abortion but they have to pay for it all.    

That is why you have housing estates full of angry resentment filled couples who scream at their kids ... they couldn't afford an abortion. 

Even in cases of rape or a health risk you'd be lucky to get a termination. Doctors would rather do nothing than risk getting into trouble. 

Thank you Queen Elizabeth for rewarding piss poor attitudes and hate filled cunts such as Maurice Mills, he now feels validated not just by God but by his monarch just like Savile and Harris. 

There is a reason that Liam Neeson got the fuck out of Ballymena as soon as he could, you don't see him buying a cottage there do you?  

Feel free to discuss what you have read with Mr Mills: Tel (028) 2564 3924  .... Mobile: 07740 758551 and e-mail cr.mills@ballymena.gov.uk 

I'm sure he would love to hear from you. Committed Christians like nothing more than to spread the werd of the Lard.  

In Search Of

I'm a hero, I'm a guy, I'm a hero who likes apple pie .... and cocaine.  That's me hero tune for when I go and beat up Nazis and children an shit.

I stand for justice and truth, and I sit for lap dances. I have searched this world far and wide, high and deep, drunk and itchy. If you hear about something strange, in yer neighbourhood, who ya gonna call?

 Ballymena Knudsen!  

If you don't have my mumber then I mustn't like you, e-mail me instead. 

I went on the search for the illusive Sasquatch or Bigfoot. A large ape-like creatures that goes around leaving footprints and can only be captured on poor quality video.

I went to British Columbia, every since the Colombians and the British colonized the area reports of these creatures have been numerous, the British Colombians are a very mellow people, unless you start selling potted plants or something.

I usually don't listen to half the threats I get but they did mention something about growing and selling plants in pot .... now that was strange.

There was a decline in sightings around 2002 which coincidentally was the same time that camera phones came out, experts believe that the mothership probably beamed them up around that time or they returned to their home at the center of the Earth. 

Well I when looking for a Sasquatch and unless they were hiding on those secret farms I kept finding they don't exist. 

Maybe they do live at the center of the Earth and one pops out to scare hikers now and again but there is no evidence to support their existence. 

Biff! and onto the next mystery ..... UFO'S. They are real!!!! I look up at the sky constantly and say, "what the fuck is that?"

No I'm not talking spaceships, we know they are real, I'm talking UFO .... unidentified flying object. During my search I took a dizzy spell and fell flat on me back, as I lay there in my vomit (I left that bit out) I looked up and saw this mysterious round object in the night sky and I said, "wha the fuck is that?"

More dizziness took me and I blacked out. I think I was processed by a sky demon or something since I woke the next day around noon and found that I had managed to find my way home and I don't recall how I got there. I hope the blood I was covered in didn't mean anything serious.

Now for the next mystery ..... Ballymena, what the fuck is that about? 

A town in the Northern Ireland cuntryside that's famous for Liam Neeson, and and and ..... it's also known for it's drugs, farmers, xenophobia, tractors, being in the Bible belt, Ian Paisley's stomping grounds and for fucking sheep. 

Some have disappeared, never to be seen again in it's one way road system, attracted by rumours of great shopping, a rumour started by the farmers themselves. 

Little known facts about Ballymena: 

Obama oftens gets drunk and toys with the idea of nuking it. 

There is a Hellmouth under the town. 

The manager of the local Boots the chemist was burned for witchcraft after he had automatic doors installed. When they realised that his spirit was still around, opening the doors for people to walk through, the shop was then burned to the ground.

Ballymena once had a hipster ..... once. 

Tire marks can still be seen in the road from when Liam Neeson left the town. 

98% of sheep in Ballymena have been victims of sexual abuse, you can tell the ones as their wool is baggier than usual because of their body issues and low self esteem. While Ballymena sheep produce more wool they will never look you in the eye. 

If you see a billboard advertising Fairhill shopping centre, do not go. The floor gives way and traps visitors in a basement dungeon and the locals eat you. 

Those touchy about Ballymena sheep shagging comments have usually fucked a sheep. 

There! another mystery solved, Ballymena is real.