Zombie Night

You may have noticed that Old Knudsen might have a more than keen interest in ZOMBIES!!!!! not just because I've been back from the dead more times than Jesus, Joan of Arc and Elvis all put together but for other reasons too.

It all started when I was a child, I was bitten by a zombie and so I've never trusted them ever since ... no wait that's clowns. Due to my life experiences people are the biggest danger in the world, they are the ones who will torture you for pleasure or some other agenda, they are the ones who would kill millions to feed their ego and for power. Evil exists and mankind is one of its greatest tools.

Zombies being dead already and the fact that they want to kill you means that it's ok to kill them first, the morality issue is not there. A guy who was a dickhead in life and who gets turned into a zombie would be a joy to kill and with no consequences, you don't go to prison for killing zombies.

So there you have control issues and people who are easier to deal with cos you can head shoot them or use a hammer if in the gunless UK. In good zombie movies they know that people and their unpredictability are more frightening than the zombies. You come across a group of well armed people and those people want to take what is yers and possibly rape and kill you .... or kill you then rape you whatever works. People are still the monsters but there are less of them and hey, you can kill them too assuming that you can.

So that's why Old Knudsen likes zombie movies, you get to kill people without punishment and those who are left are easier to figure out.

I watched the movie Zombie night the other day, mostly because TV is shite and I was bored. How many times must we watch Hitler's rise to power, his super weapons and how he lost? I may be obsessed with zombies but British TV is obsessed with Hitler .... and shitty soaps and reality shows. I'm surprised there hasn't been a soap called 'Deutschland' set in Hitler's bunker. Hitler,"Ve invaded Russia in vinter? oy vey, vhen vill ve ever learn?"  Himmler, "You slag Adolf, you said you wouldn't execute my long lost ghey Jewish twin" Goebbels,"I gave ze order because I loved him, his last words were that you are really triplets und he is black." Himmler, "NNNOOOO!!!!!"

Yeah ok, I'd probably watch that.

So anyways Zombie Night, looks class right? Not to be confused with the screenplay I haven't written yet called Zombie Knight in which a knight from King Arthur's time cums alive and .... well I haven't thought it out yet cos I've want a zombie horse too except zombie horses wouldn't eat meat but don't be stealing it or I'll kill you .... no, seriously I will. 

Anthony Michael Hall and Daryl Hannah, two big A-lister stars, in Albania they are still A-list. AMH (the cool lazy way to say his name) did Dead zone and I liked that, he can act, except in this he just wanted to get it done to pay his rent. Daryl Hannah still has those smouldering good looks we first saw in Splash. 

Did I saw smouldering? I mean get her the fuck away from the heater she's melting. No wait this isn't her.

 

But still, you might want to turn that heater doon a bit.

In the first 10 minutes I was annoyed, who directed and edited this piece of shit? Anthony Micheal Hall was in a car with his teenage daughter and her friend stuck in traffic, "What's happening daddy?" ... "I don't know baby" .... "Don't worry baby" he called her Baby like 20 times, close yer eyes and it could have sounded like a bad porno .... the good ones just have grunting.

Yeah lets take a short cut by the cemetery, oops knocked a guy down lets all get out and check then run away from the car when zombies stumble at us. When you are afraid you have a heightened sense of danger, in bad zombie movies you live in a brain fart and have the reaction speed of a drunken sloth.

Fast zombies from 28 days later are scary, these ones stumbled around and could be distracted by someone throwing a shoe.
  

The mum from The Partridge Family was Daryl Hannah's mum, she was either blind with dementia or just highly strung it was hard to tell. A knock at the door, "DON'T LET THEM IN THEY MIGHT KILL US" ... someone shut that old bat up, yes killers always knock first. 

A noise from upstairs has the mum and Daryl shouting, "anyone up there?" Daryl grabbed a magnum handgun and added, "I have a gun and I will shoot it" it all works out well as the mum dies of a heart attack then turns zombie and gets shot in the head, not by Daryl but by another hysterical woman who picks up the magnum after Daryl drops it and does a head shot to the mum with her eyes closed.    

So much for gun courage but yeah, old dithers slow you doon when there is brain bashing to be done.

Why does he need a flashlight?

When a zombie was edited climbing through a window 3 times to drag out the suspense I started to fast forward, I wanted these fuckers to get eaten. Stop calling her Baby, she has a fucking name, it's Tracie! 
It's a TV movie from 2013 but did it have to be that bad? The Walking dead started in 2010 and that is far better, even back then. 
Alan Ruck from Ferris Bueller's day off had a small part in it and his performance was Oscar worthy compared to the others. 

The director was probably resting on his laurels after making the hit movie Piranha 3DD.
 

 

I haven't seen it but a movie that has both Gary Busey and David Hasslehoff in it has to be totes amazeballs.

For some reason everyone in Zombie Night kept waiting for dawn as if the nightmare would be over then, maybe that is when the budget runs out. The last scene is the dawn shining with the survivors walking off into it. I want to see a sequel that takes up where that one left off, they reach the end of the road and 50 zombies are coming at them and Anthony Michael Hall says, "vampires, it's vamps that don't like the sun not zombies".. and they die.   

Maybe I watch such shite not because I like zombies but because I hate myself.  Ah well, don't forget to tune into SyFy for *Z Nation* every week, it's bound to get better sooner or later.




*From the makers of Sharknado so don't count on it getting better.*

Nothing To Fear But Bad Stuff

To stop A-lister stars like Steven Seagal being lured to foreign state nations such as Russia the US government are recruiting their help and feeding their addiction of being on TV. Seagal who recently starred in straight to DVD blockbusters like Time to die, Vengeance rider and Kill them all (big hits in the Asian markets) has been asked to put his experience towards policing and has taken over the Ferguson police dept in Missouri.
His first actions was to make sure that everybody knew to call him The Chief and to not make eye contact with him. He has ensured that all police officers will be fitted with body cameras to ensure that the best angles of him get captured when he films his new reality show Justice Rides To Missouri. He even played with the idea of changing his name to Justice but Obama wouldn't let him as that just sounds like a ridiculously idea.

Gary Busey who once played an FBI agent in Point Break will take charge of the Concord police in New Hampshire because they have a tank. Stayed tuned to ABC for BearCat Busey as he dispenses law and order Hollywood style.
The stars of the Expendable movies have been asked to lead US military action in Iraq, they have yet to return the Pentagon's calls. When asked if the team from Stargate SG-1 will be seeing any combat in Iraq Obama answered he didn't know, he then rushed off to torture some folks before getting some golf in ..... what a leader.    

Well done to US border patrol for capturing 3 evil ISIS fighters who tried to sneak over the border from Mexico to blow up American freedoms. Each one carried 50 LBS of explosives, an AK-47, combat knives to behead citizens and a Koran each .... not shown in the picture for security reasons.

During enhanced interrogations in which one of them died (probably a hidden cyanide pill) the other two told of ISIS plans for a wide scale invasion and how they mocked US border patrol security as their people are everywhere.

Bob Carnage a Republican senator from Alabama said, "How can we tell if the guy that mows your lawn is a Mexican illegal or an ISIS illegal or even an illegal ISIS fighter who speaks Mexican? I warned Obama that this would happen but of course he wouldn't listen, what if they are carriers for the Ebola? I bet those Jihadis don't even test for it."

Ever wonder why Obama wants to take yer guns? The President has been gutting the White House, as some of their furniture is over 100 years old and has been using the guns as modern art fixtures.

   
He'd rather use American guns and has asked ISIS if he can have them back if they are done with them. The Treaty room has now been renamed the Glock room with the popular handguns contrasting with stark white walls and shiny chrome furniture. 

The CDC still say that Ebola is not airborne and neither is Richard Branson's Space plane or the
Antares rocket. 
While many cast doubts about the out sourcing of space travel to the private sector Wal-Mart has revealed its plans to fire a rocket into space, only Gary Busey has come forward as a potential passenger so far, his own space travel plans to land on the sun during winter time when the sun is cooler fell through when his financial backers withdrew support after learning about the mission.   
   

After the CEO of Apple announced he was ghey, Pope Francis the CEO of the Catholic church says, "Homosexuals may not have a place in Heaven but should be tolerated by all us normal people as they have other gifts of value to give to the world ... I don't mean we should be friends or anything, we should just not actively denounce them at the moment."  He then went on to say that if he wasn't celibate he'd be totally into consensual adult women, as long as they knew their place and kept their mouth shut.

Which reminds me, our moment in time on this day has Bill Clinton greeting the crowd and hugging Monica Lewinsky .... Anything to tell us Francis? 
 

 

Fucking tourists and their sexual abuse, or did the cameraman shout them out during a quiet period?  

A video has been doing the rounds on Social media, it has a tasty slut young woman in jeans and a t-shirt walking the streets of Manhattan for 10 hours and a hidden camera picks up on all the catcalls and inappropriate greetings she gets. Old Knudsen found this hard to believe so he did the same. 

It's true, Old Knudsen felt like a piece of meat just there for the sexual gratification of others ... ah well enjoy while I can huh. A message to all you tasty weemen out there complaining about unwanted attention from stalkers and would be rapists. Some day you'll be fat and old and yer perky ta tas will be around yer waist, you'll think back to this time and wish that some crazy eyed bloke with his hand in his pocket fondling his penis would shout "damn" as you walked past or purposely walked behind you for 10 minutes mumbling about puppies in a sack. 

CNN had comedian Amanda Seales (centre) who lives this harassment everyday and author Steve Santagati who wrote a book called The Man-ual which tells men how to behave like real men on to the show to talk about it. 

Santagati said he was an expert because he was a man and that men can't think like weemen anymore than a woman can think like a man ....FALSE!

Men and women think the same, it varies person to person though. Boys will be boys or she's on the rag are just excuses to behave like a cunt. It has nothing to do with our sex how we behave and has a lot more to do with if we're a dickhead or not or have bought into the whole gender definition thing. 

He said that women like nothing more than getting complimented on how they look and since this video was done by an ad agency then maybe a lot of the guys were planted, Seales reminded him that she gets this all the time and doesn't walk about hoping that people will compliment her on the pants she is wearing. 

He then said how he lived in New York for 10 years and it was a tougher town back then [insert eye roll] and if women don't like it either stand up for themselves or move out. 

Seales mentioned how a woman in Detroit was killed for standing up for herself, Santagati's response to get a gun was met with stunned silence as it was just too stupid to reply to. 

Seales had the ultimate response, you (Santagati) wrote a book on how real men need to behave so instead of arguing about this you should be saying, 'women have voiced their complaint and they don't like it so we should be looking at ways to stop this from happening.' Santagati said those men had no class and it's true, they don't but Santagati should be hunting them down for a duel or something rather than throwing it back at the weemen to have to do something.   

There are so many ways to slut shaming that are so subtle but they lead to the effect of moving the blame onto the victim.

The video in question has been called racist because you mostly see black or brown men harassing the gurl doing the walking. From other videos I've seen that it is mostly black men who voice their opinion, it does have to do with culture ... the same way they have to talk through a movie at the cinema, the Hispanic men have the machismo thing going on where they are the dominant sex and as for white men ... more sneaky and passive aggressive with their sexual harassment but bolder in groups. 

Men and women also learn from what they see as a child. Very often this will decide their future behaviour. 'I was beat as a child so I'll beat mine' or ' My dad slapped my mom around so this is what married couples do.'

To boil it down, if you don't know the person then you don't need to be giving them yer opinion about how they look, they probably don't want to know that you'd have sex with them as they were probably thinking about how creepy and rapey you look and how to get past you while keeping out of arms reach.     

Well I enjoyed my New York experience, far cleaner and less hairy than my Turkish prison experience which I am still dealing with in therapy.  In other countries this lass may get raped and stoned to death for walking around the street alone so all the creepy calls and inappropriate chat up lines from strangers means we're fucking civilised so gurn up .... there is a bright side, you just have to look for it.