An Atheist Goes To Heaven

One day back in 2014 God was having one of his moods, "I don't know why I even bother with social media, the memes and the bitching just upsets me, why can't they just stop with the thinking and blindly believe in me?" 

Michael, one of Heaven's senior managers hated to see God in such a state as that usually led to God drowning the world, so far they had managed to keep him satisfied with some storms and earthquakes but it was getting more and more difficult. He then suggested the idea of bringing an atheist up to Heaven for a visit to see how great it was and that it actually existed.

Ken Bickerson was just an average guy who had decided at some point in his life that there was a scientific answer for everything and even though he was afraid of the dark he didn't believe in ghosts or monsters and blah blah blah, "A delusion is something that people believe in despite a total lack of evidence." ~ Richard Dorkins


You don't get on Brainyquote.com by being wrong ya know.

Only atheists believe that they won't go to Heaven, many God botherers think otherwise and I don't just mean baptizing yer dead ancestors like the Mormons do. 


One day Bickerson died and found himself at the pearly gates. St Peter looked him up and down with disdain, "Another baby eating atheist I see, off to Hell with you."  From inside the exclusive gated community St Michael rushed out and said, "It's ok Pete, this one is on a day pass" He rushed Bickerson inside much to the annoyance of the other atheists waiting in line outside and he explained what was going on. 


"You write short stories and have a blog so just report back on the wonder of Heaven and you'll be back in yer body alive with that cute girlfriend with the banging hot body." Explained Michael.

Bickerson saw beautiful landscaping, a wonderful rainbow and a shining citadel in the distance, "wow is that Heaven?" he asked in a daze.

"No" answered Michael with a sneer, "that's Valhalla, Odin said they'll keep the drunken singing down while you're visiting but he had a glint in his eye so I wouldn't count on it."     

Michael gave Bickerson the tour, pointing out the children's home, "set up by an atheist ya know, Christians don't really look after their kids very well so this atheist on her way to Hell barged in and said she was going to care for them because it was the morally right thing to do, as if they know what morals are, no offense."  Bickerson dry retched, "what is that smell?"

Michael rolled his eyes and pointed, "rivers of semen" a sock tried to float to the milky surface but gave up the struggle and sunk, "if you like we can visit the ponds of period" Bickerson declined.

"Is that who I think it is?" asked Bickerson in disbelief . "Yeah it's Sir Jimmy Savile, Vlad the Impaler and Adolf Hitler, as thick as thieves they are."

Savile had been knighted by Pope John Paul II who is infallible and also did a lot of work for charity. Vlad the Impaler killed many Muslims in the name of Christianity and Hitler hedged his bets and asked for forgiveness before killing himself.

Father Charles Coughlin, Fred Phelps, Jim Jones, Marshall Herff Applewhite Jr, David Koresh all good Christians are living it up in Heaven, hey even the Green river killer who killed over 48 people is assured a place when he dies .... a Pentecostal ya know. 

"It's all about love and forgiveness" said Michael with a broad smile as Savile, Vlad and Hitler snickered into their hands.

  
Entering the great hall God called out, "Kenny my man, you were wrong I exist ... lol!" The people in Heaven looked happy and at peace, dancing to angelic music, not even the "chug, chug, chug" being chanted from Valhalla put them off.  

God continued, "women know their place, children and pets don't get in the way and you might even find the odd atheist up here ... of course divorcees and queers go straight to Hell and for some reason most atheists choose that too." 


Bickering looked around at the smiling blank faces in disgust, "so you're up here partying while others are being tortured in Hell, what kind of Christians are you?"


God sighed, "that's exactly what Jesus said."  With a wave of his finger Bickerson was put back into his body but with his memories of Heaven wiped. "fucking atheists" fumed God, I am so this close to smiting Nepal just for the sake of it.

Meanwhile in Hell.


Lucifer: "Hey JC my man, I'm so bummed out, people keep saying that Hell is full of torture and suffering but in reality it's just us with our cool homies having a good time, the only suffering is when we run out of beer am I right bro?"

Jesus unzipping his man diaper and peeing into a can, "got that covered, look, water to beer."


Lucifer raises his can and takes a drink, "and it tastes Delish!" 


"I don't like seeing you unhappy Lucy, I'm done with trying to preach to those selfish cunts, 4 times I returned and 4 times they killed me, why don't we let a Christian visit Hell so they can tell everyone else that it's better than Heaven, there's bingo and yoga and we weren't stupid enough to build beside any rowdy Vikings."

Lucifer raised an arched eyebrow, "we do have all the cool, interesting famous people, I like your thinking, lets do it." 

How Do You Like Those Apples Eve?

Why don't I like Stephen Fry? Cos he's a smug, sulky, pseudo, intellectual git ... does that clear it up for you?
He was being interviewed by Irish TV host Gay Bryne ... heh, heh they are both gay. Bryne ripped off the US show The actors studio by asking Fry if he got to Heaven, what would he say to God?

Fry is also famous for being a celeb atheist, being an atheist makes you appear smart you see, even though Old Knudsen is getting as fed up with idiot atheists as he is the god botherers. 

Richard Dorkins is an atheist and he's as thick as pigs shit. Yer an atheist so you make a living talking about God. Move on and discuss something more interesting for fucks sake.

So Fry's answer to Bryne's question was similar to what Old Knudsen will do on judgement day.   

"I’d say, bone cancer in children? What’s that about?"

"How dare you? How dare you create a world to which there is such misery that is not our fault. It’s not right, it’s utterly, utterly evil."

A GIF says a thousand and one words.

"Why should I respect a capricious, mean-minded, stupid God who creates a world that is so full of injustice and pain. That’s what I would say."

"Because the god who created this universe, if it was created by a god, is quite clearly a maniac, utter maniac, totally selfish. We have to spend our life on our knees thanking him? What kind of God would do that?"

"Yes, the world is very splendid, but it also has in it insects whose whole life cycle is to burrow into the eyes of children and make them blind. They eat outwards from the eyes.Why? Why did you do that to us? You could easily have made a creation in which that didn’t exist. It is simply not acceptable."

He said that he would have more truck with the Greek gods as they never pretended to be perfect and all knowing, they were much more human. That is why Old Knudsen can relate to Loki, a god that is easy to understand because he/she is more human. The Christian god is a cunt. A total hypocrite who uses abuse tactics, "maybe if you had prayed harder you wouldn't have lost yer baby" or "hey I gave you free will so not my problem. "

Punishing everyone because of a few is not fair and is not something a god of love would do. 'God works in mysterious ways' or 'he gave yer child cancer to test you' .... Oh please! That is as tired as the 'oh the shark thought the surfer was a seal and was curious and so bit off his leg' .... yeah seals don't have fucking legs the shark was just being a cunt.  

One journalist wasn't impressed with Fry's comment and called his answer 'rather passé' he then went on to say "God granted us free will not only to do bad things but also good things – like finding a cure for cancer or caring for those dying from it" .... way to go arsehole, blame people for having loved ones who died from cancer. Well maybe if you were better you'd cure cancer, you had the free will to study medicine so it's yer fault. 

He then also blamed the Devil for bad things happening so Tim Stanley for the Telegraph, yer a shit for brains dog rimming dick! .... just saying yer dumb is simply rather passé don't you think?

If we have the power to do something about it is our moral responsibility to do so.

As I've said before, God is a product of millions of different people , all with a different idea on what God thinks, of course he's a maniac with all those voices in yer head so would you be. 

'Please God give me strength to put up with people today, no don't give strength to the starving children of Africa to help them live another day, I'm far better than them and they would just waste the strength making more babies that would starve.' 

God gave us free will and yet he punishes us for what Adam and Eve did 6,000 years ago and are you comfortable with Eve getting 98% of the blame for the whole Applegate thing? God stop being a sexist cunt and quit it with the labour pains and the original sin. I don't even like apples.

The whole Bible thing shows God as being jealous and vengeful, a rapist and a dead beat dad. He has way too many issues without others giving him theirs too. It is said that the last leaf will only fall from the tree when God wills it, in that case Fry is right to question the almighty because there is a lot of unnecessary shit we could do without. 

If you don't think so then yer a mentally stunted person who hasn't experienced enough hardships in life, the kind of hardships that happen because shit happens for no apparent reason other than bad luck. Sure you obeyed the commandments but maybe you could have done more BAM! dead family.

Explain to me again the bone cancer in children? Where they horrible sinners or was all the pain and suffering and the very short life just God's lessons? I'm sure their parents would get so much comfort from whatever excuse that God has. 

On judgement day I'll be behind Stephen Fry (I'll no have him behind me checking out me buns) and God will have some explaining to do cos whatever sins Old Knudsen has, God has far more blood and suffering on his hands .... he has a LOT of explaining to do.