Eskimos Are Cunts!

I haven't been getting into the swing of blogging recently as real life events seem to be getting in my way. I have to organise a surprise birthday party pour moi, that's Greek 'for me' to all you uneducated types (my readers in other words) no doubt you all marked on yer calendars last year when I posted about my birthday in order that I get my presents and money orders on time so I don't have to tell you all when it is as for how old I am its none of yer fucking business and having left school at the tender age of 12 to pursue a career doon a coal mine or (doon pit) I can't count up to that number anyway.

All my Hollywood A-lister buddies and other celebs will be cumming to it, except for the ones that have work of course. I don't want to name drop but my guest list includes Tom Sizemore (depending on parole restrictions) Charlie Sheen, Gary Busey, Victor Mature (depending on the power of voodoo restrictions) Amy Winehoose is free to come to it, Tony Curtis of course, it wouldn't be a party without Tony, Eva Longoria will be there as I told her paparazzi will be there with their cameras, Kathleen Turner, Gwen Stefani (who won't be drinking) and Gavin her hubby. Cher will be there with her new body, his name is Jake. The Blairs since they don't have real jobs anymore Robbie Williams will get his fat arse over here from LA on Dave and Posh's jet, so just a small party really I don't even know why I mentioned it. Beyonce and Jay & C won't be there as they are still sore about me marrying them without a license but that's how I roll pimp lad.

Other good news, I put a pony doon on the nose of 'The rich widow' and won big, she had to be put doon afterwards but that's what so great about the sport of kings. My gut told me to bet a monkey but being Scottish I couldn't bear to part with it.

For mongs....... I put 25 quid on a long shot horse to win a race and won I wish I had bet 500.

Last year was shite so I "read" porn.

So this year I shall be attending the 12th July parades in Belfast. The parades in Killamory are just becoming too sectarian as we keep getting a nasty crowd of trouble makers in from Glasgow, and there was big trouble last year when they burned a Catholic effigy is that the right word? no I mean Catholic clergy that's it we burned a priest at the top of the fire, he was probably a pedo they all are. The peelers broke up the 11th night bonfires and traditional drinking and fighting so everyone was sober at the start of the 12th day just not the same and an 11th night just isn't the same if you don't see a guy running for his life across a car park being chased by 5 others, its like a sign of good luck for me like a shooting star or shooting a president.

I have travel arrangements to make, I'll be staying with Ellie and Manuel while I'm there, probably more with Ellie as she is a female and a cheap drunk and Manuel is having some work done according to his Blog, I think its lipo and a scrotal tuck besides have you read him? hes a cunt. I just need to find out their addresses and surprise them if anyone can help me that might be nice.

So busy busy busy and I have a voodoo sacrifice to make, it takes work to look this good you know.

I have been doing exercises to ward of old age, I do repetitions of lifting cans of beans, I saw it on the senior channel the other day but then I started getting a bit too buff and realised it was because my beans had them wee sausages in them.

I wonder if anyone has ever thought about marketing tins of beans for the older amateur athlete with rubberised labels and different weights with less sass and more beans, something to think about or you could just yap about the lack of tits in my post, why post tits when tits read my posts ? that's in the bible you know.

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The Friday Slag Off

Travolta has really let himself go.

I've never been too impressed with that John Travolta fella, ugly as fuck and has the acting abilities of my 4th wife faking her orgasms which is pretty crap. Now he makes geezer movies with Tim Allen, I hear its a sort of Deliverance but on motorcycles. Anyway the fat fucker can put away more pasta and chicken than Steven Seagull the famous pony tailed bad acting martial arts guy which is a lot, look at him now he looks like a big fat woman, maybe he should cut doon on the Grease if he wants to be Stayin alive, ok that last one really didn't work .

He flies his own passenger jets even though hes not allowed to park on his own home's landing strip at the moment due to the state of it but the thing I could never understand is how can those big metal planes stay up in the air as they go by so slowly? I think the only reason they crash is that the pilot has a moment of clarity and says, " how the fuck are we stayin up in the air? I don't believe in this voodoo magic anymore" and crashes.
If I flew planes and I was a big fat fuck of a Scientologist I'd hit the Slim Fast so it wouldn't crash nose first with the weight of my big belly and over sized face.

Before anyone says it, no he wasn't good in Pulp Fiction, that film sucked arse juice the only good thing that saved it was Bruce Willis and the bum sex rape scene, none of that contrived dialogue about burgers or the dopey music thats supposed to be cool but really its lame, are you really going to take cool lessons from Tarrentino as he sits in his shell suit and gushes over American Idol contestants ?
Samuel L Jackson, controlled, loud and angry, in every fucking role .

Nicolas Cage, the amount of crap you're making at the moment tells me that you're trying to make yer money before people start to notice how you haven't aged well and you have to start actually acting.
Acting yer age, Harrison Ford, you're 64 and definitely no Old Knudsen I suspect on the 4th Indiana Jones film they'll be hiring more stunt men, whats the title of the movie, Indiana Jones and the quest for senior discount ? I hear that the only bag you'll be wearing will be a colostomy bag . They killed off Kirk by making him fall off a bridge in which he broke his hip, Picard was too intimidated by him to let him live, that fucking French pussy , so Indi stay away from any icy paths and Frenchmen with English accents.
Edward Norton is going to be the next Hulk, I'm surprised anyone would do a sequel to such a shite first film, as for Norton, well done on picking yet another great role whats yer secret? do ya pick them drunk? out of a hat? or do ya not give a fuck anymore?

For those who want ta know who I like, well little Matt Damon can do no wrong (I blame Clooney and Pitt for Ocean's 12) with the next Bourne film cuming out soon 'The Bourne Absolutely' he is taking over from that crappy Bond franchise well done lad, he doesn't forget his friends either, Ben Affleck is in this new one billed as "tall thug" he gets killed in the first 15 minutes and isn't given lines as they don't want him to spoil it.

I wonder if he lets just anyone stand and watch him workout, er I mean lifting weights is just so ghey.