Monday, 23 January 2017

How To Get Your Prayers Answered

God always answered his prayers for hitting Nazis ... right up to the time he was killed. 

You don't have to be a church goer to get your prayers answered. You don't even have to believe very hard at all in order to get your prayers answered. Nor do you have to do good stuff ... who the fuck has time to do good stuff? You only end up getting beheaded by ISIS or something when you try to help others.

Has never read a book in his life and now he's President. 

It's easy to get your prayers answered and you don't have to promise your soul to anyone including God.   

Old Knudsen has spent years studying scripture ... after 3 years he gave up, the Aramaic words just wouldn't make sense so he just read the English translation instead.

What Old Knudsen found was a vital secret. Biblical scriptures contained words of power and as any student of ceremonial Magick knows the words of power have ... power!

Yes, they had the power to render Old Knudsen unconscious. The best fucken sleep I've had for years. 

In the modern age we don't have to go out shopping, we can do it online. We don't even have to meet people face to face to have a conversation with them, you can even wank while talking to them and they would never know ... unless you blog about it. There are even chairs that you can poop in while online so you don't have to move cos moving to do things is so 20th century.  

Social media has taken out the tax dodging middle man (the church) and you can get blessings or help save a child with cancer online. 

Well done Timmy you are now a man

Back in the day I would walk into Tesco and argue with people, now all I have to do is say, "ach Hitler, Trump and Bill Cosby aren't that bad and Roman Polanski is a genius of cinema and therefore can fuck a child if he wants to" .... it's awesome! ... a real ice breaker.

Trump supporters that complain how whiny Libtards are tend to be whiny and very thin skinned pussies themselves. I never get such a child like response posting negative things about Hillary and Obama than I do about Trump. 

Hillary supports fracking ..... crickets

Obama commits war crimes with his drones daily ...... crickets


The Internet is awesome but can it really help you get yer prayers answered? Why yes it can. 

Look at the picture, why do you think God isn't helping the poor wee African child? Firstly helping Africans ... is this 1985 for fucks sake? 

They don't get help because they probably aren't praying in English. Santa doesn't stop their either and rightly so. Africa is a big place so there are many that have been taught English and the way of the Lord, they still won't get into Heaven but at least it looks good. Great effort guys! 

They tend to clog up the psychic airwaves praying to not die of hunger or for the militia to stop raping their mother or some shite. 

Like God, Superman, Spider man and the Higglytown Heroes, Old Knudsen is here to help you. 

Find out yer location first. You can check trees for which side the moss is growing, see the direction of the sun rising or setting or check the envelopes of any mail you get to yer house, that should tell you where you are. Don't ask a spouse or neighbor as people lie and are out to trick you. 

You might accidentally ask a Liberal with a New World Order agenda who will steal yer guns when yer distracted or a Trump supporter who'll probably steal yer washing as it hangs to dry and any loose change you have lying about ... it's their way. 

Boko Haram preparing to kill an aid worker.

If all else fails just ask Google. Once you've established where you are you have to get into the mind of an African. You'll have to fight the urge to kill lions and jump up and down on the spot chanting, think about what you are doing. Are you awake or sleeping in Africa? 

Sleeping Africans can't pray. While there is a lull in the God communication network knock one out ... a prayer I mean. It might piss the all mighty off who was having some quiet time but at least it will get through. 

Time yer prayers for when part of the world hasn't woken up yet. 98% of Old Knudsen's prayers cum true. It's a FACT! 


Large and in bold so it must be true. Old Knudsen is old and prays not to die in between the breaks of his favorite TV shows ... I'm still here. 

I prayed to find my soulmate then got an e-mail I found in my spam folder from Emily who wants to taste me. 
I prayed for my bowels to hold until I got off the bus after I had yon curry. Well that was the 2% even God can't control the effects of a curry. You'd think I'd learn by now. 

An old woman from Brazil was praying to a figure from Lord of the Rings she had mistaken for a saint. Her grandson noticed and her prayers to be mocked on social media worldwide came true... She prayed when Africa was sleeping. 
She also prayed for wealth and not long after the story came out a load of Nigerian Princes have been wooing her.

Old Knudsen was praying for a big dick and his arresting officer on Saturday night was named Richard, hardly a coincidence, he was big too. 

So do as I have suggested as well as click LIKE or type AMEN on those social media posts. Don't listen to people that put up memes saying God isn't your fairy godmother and doesn't grant wishes. How dare they pretend to know the will of God .... damn them all! 

God keeps up to date with technology and even has one of those eye pods in his ear. Heaven gets great Wee-Fi reception and he reads EVERYTHING even yer messages. He's like the NSA except he has been invited in to yer hearts and computers. 

Even atheists have God with them because all the Bible thumpers pray for them. So send him yer prayers you aren't really talking to yerself for that would mean that we ourselves are God, and that immortal invisible beings that care about YOU and how you have sex and who you have sex with don't exist and that right there is crazy talk, of course they exist.



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