Wednesday, 15 June 2016

Human Pop Up Ads

The thing I've grown to hate are human pop up adds in malls. You walk through a mall on yer way to a specific shop but in the way there are kiosks or just a table with a billboard and pacing around it are usually two bored yet eager sales people.

It reminds me of Botanic ave in Belfast back in the day when you had to run the gauntlet of day drinkers all asking, "ya got 20p mister?" you'd become more aware like Jason Bourne with senses heightened and maybe cross the street several times if you couldn't be arsed telling them to fuck off.

A mall should be a safe place, you go to the shop and buy something, you don't go to fight off sales people trying to sell you things you didn't even intend on getting.

Excuse me sir would you like to save £50 on your electrical bill? 

Do you mind looking stupid? No, I don't want to save money on my electric bill, I want to pay the full whack as it makes me hard, that and cutting hookers are the only things that do it for me since the war. 

We're young Americans on a mission to save your soul, would you like to hear about the Lord you heathen Brit? 
Our Lord is better, listen to us. It says so right here so it must be true. Don't think, the Devil wants you to think for yourself, join us.
Old Knudsen HATES people phoning him up trying to sell him something, he HATES people knocking his door trying to sell him something, he HATES being stopped in the street by people trying to sell him something. 
What do you know about my heating costs? I will find you and kill you unless you get a proper job. 
I have the Internet. If I wanted to watch shite TV shows and maybe one decent one I'd sign up for Sky television but I don't like sports, soaps and reality shows so fuck off! 

Old Knudsen's ad block plus is a short swift karate chop in the air and a "no thanks" before they even finish. I don't slow down I keep walking but it annoys the fuck out of me. I didn't even make eye contact for fucks sake.

It usually isn't religious people as Jehovah's Witnesses just stand in the street now unless you engage them. The Mormons will try it on though. It's utility companies, TV satellite and cable companies, mobile phone companies and numerous charities. 

You go out to buy some fat balls and those self adhesive plastic sticky hooks and someone asks you about changing cell phone providers, what the holy fuck? Did I look like I wanted to complicate my life today? 

No I don't want to sample yer pretzels I doubt you've even washed yer hands and who the fuck else has breathed over them. Old Knudsen doesn't touch hand rails or the rubber rail on escalators without using his cuff over his hand but you want to offer him Ebola food?     

Then there are the charities. It you want to support cancer in children which is a sick fucken idea cos kids shouldn't be given cancer or guide dogs for the blind (they get everything) or adopting some dog you'll never see if it even exists then give them yer loose change. 

They have collection buckets but instead of giving them some money and being done they talk to you and try to get you to £3 a month forever from yer bank account. 

I like supporting Alzheimer charities and the like cos at least 5 of Old Knudsen's family have had or have it but do I want to support it until I die? I might start liking breast cancer or clean drinking water in the future who knows? Trends change and fuck my crazy family.

Alzheimer's is caused by malicious fairies that want to trap you in the fairy realm, how can giving them £3 a month stop it? Rowan trees in yer garden and iron stops fairies, everyone knows this. If yer relative has Alzheimer's just give them a knife made of iron and they'll be protected .... don't say I said to do this as I have numerous lawsuits already against me for the Energenup health smoothies and don't need yer slander. 

For Americans you should get yer relative a gun with bullets coated in salt. Just because you can't see the fairies it doesn't mean they aren't there so let them fucken shoot and quit yer judging. 

Would these charities not make more in a day by rattling their buckets? I often give them money out of guilt and don't really want to take their pens or wristbands as that defeats the purpose. I don't even want a sticker as my philanthropy is a personal things not a one-upmanship thing to show I'm morally better than you without yer sticker.    

Aye £3 forever is no doubt better than a few hundred a day, even if only a few agree. Then the charity CEO's can get better cars and bigger houses. 

You know what would make me give more to charity? Aye you've guessed it, presentation. I would so wear her daffodilo.




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