Wednesday, 11 November 2015

World Profile #3: Scandinavia


Scandinavia is an area made up of the three nations of Norway, Sweden and Denmark though through historical links Finland, Iceland and the Faroe islands are also Scandinavian. A common Germanic heritage all the Scandinavian languages are intelligible to each other with Danish being closer to Norwegian. When the Danes conquered most of soft England they introduced many of their words into the English language. It's funny because while we use the word berserk, meaning to go crazy the Norwegians will use the name Texas to mean something crazy or out of control, that sounds so Florida. I knew this bloke who was really Detroit in the head.
Language is forever changing and evolving in 100 years who knows, money might be replaced by a system of credits called the fuck, then you might not have any fucks to give. "Give me all yer fucks or I'll cut you." 

With the exception of the Sami people and Syrian refugees, most Scandinavians are tall blonde people who may or may not be golden gods. For cuntries that are covered in snow for most of the year they think nothing of having bikini teams ... bless them.

Scandinavian cuntries don't really have tourist sites, their idea of tourists are that only the fittest can survive or you don't get to see their stunning Fjords. Real climates and environments that can kill weeds out the fat soft American who only came because their surname sounds Viking, "you mean we have to walk there?"
You walk around a Scandinavian cuntry you can see who buys all of that hiking and skiing gear that Lidl always has. There are more fleece jackets in Sweden and Norway than the whole rest of the werld. Five feet of snow would have most cuntries declaring emergency, there they just put on some crampons, get their ice pick and go to werk.   

Scandinavian cuisine still harks back to the time of the Vikings in which food had to be cured and stored and all the animal was used. Baby goat eyeballs marinated in a sheep lips and arse sauce and urinated on by an old seaman is a Scandinavian delicacy. Horse baby batter soup is another fav ..... that also contains urinate and sometimes nuts, no not those kind of nuts.

It is difficult for an outsider to tell the sex of a fully clothed Scandinavian which is why the men grow facial hair and the women have long hair. Either one could use a sickly weedy Brit like a toothpick but luckily the Scandinavians are all so laid back. They got all their aggression out during the Viking times and now just kick back with saunas, Volvos and swingers parties.

Will they have sex with you? ..... sure they will, it's no big deal to them, it's us that have the hang ups. They only really wear clothes when it drops below minus 10 or when some new trekking gear becomes fashionable.

Who can forget Justin Bieber's Danish wake up call when he was touring there, I bet he remembers. Now he tours there 3 times a year.

The Scandinavian men are exactly like they are in the Viking movies .... except they didn't have 2 horns on their hats, that's soo silly.
If these cuntries had to go to war they would slay all round them ... with swords but luckily they are all relaxed with their IKEA furniture and socialist ideas that doesn't pollute the environment, doesn't make the 1% a ruling elite and looks after all their people very well, if you can take the boredom. Socialist cuntries rate lowest in ambition and creativity but guarantee you healthcare, education and 3 hots and a cot .... so fucking civilised. 

So yeah, Scandinavian cuntries with their northern lights and beautiful but bleak scenery are one big happy socialist love in, yep they're getting all the sex but hey at least I can mostly guarantee that my food is piss free.      

1 comment:

k said...

All the sex and most of the quality television. If ear you are correct about the fate of we flabby amreekans-the scandis would eat us alive. But what a way to go.