Wednesday, 4 March 2015

Man On Mars

Mars base 2.

You've maybe heard of Dr Joseph Roche, an Irishman who works at the Science Gallery in Trinity College Dublin, he hopes to get picked to go die on Mars. 

Out of 200,000 candidates worldwide he is one of the final 705 chosen, not so fast lad it's only a 4 person mission. It is supposed to take place in 10 years time and until then some of those picked will be trained as astronauts which will be shown on the telly as a reality show. 

Aye it does sound like a load of bollocks  that will never leave the ground as couples get drunk in hot tubs as they dream of the stars and being the first people to die on Mars.  Yes I did say die, there won't be any coming back but look on the bright side with all the lethal doses of radiation from the sun they shouldn't last any more than a couple of months. 

Since Old Knudsen is part cockroach I put my name doon too but got picked for a different mission due to my experience. During the war I sailed a Spitfire during the battle of Dunkirk, I also flew the first Doodlebug which we affectionately called the V-1 flying bomb .... lol! 

I trained for 4 months in wild west gun slinging, have watched the movie Top Gun 23 times and yes Iceman, I am dangerous. I was abducted in 53 by aliens who refused to probe me for silly reasons of hygiene and on weekends I fight young children in cage matches, that is just the tip of the iceberg of Old Knudsen's experience, you weren't there you don't know. 

Bill O'Reilly the top news man on Faux News vouched for me fine character. Aye me and Bill fought together on the Falkland Islands when the Japs invaded. In El Salvador we saw nuns get shot in the back of the head .... Cos we did it, I said, "Bill yer a mad man" and he replied stone cold drunk, "Line them up Knudsen, you don't know what I've seen in the heat of combat, and the smell" ... I apologized for the smell but shooting nuns excites me tummy a little too much.   

Bill wanted to sign up too but in 6 years from now he expects the rapture will have taken him up and away from all the dirty commie liberals and the zombies that will walk the Earth. He's a brilliant man is Bill, like a cross between John Wayne and some other draft dodger er people who get a deferment to avoid joining up like Wayne did for WWII and Bill did for Nam, both big supporters of the wars though. 

In 9 years since I've got nothing planned, I'll be blasting off to Mars to set up a base for the later stage of the reality show, maybe called 'Dead people on Mars do the darndest things' like who kills who for the last of the water etc. 
I'll be making living accommodations covered in sandbags full of Martian soil and growing plants and breeding insects for them to eat. The Dutch non-profit group Mars One who run the show want me to hide out to cause trouble off camera so that 4 people dying of radiation poisoning is more exciting to viewers. 

Don't worry, once they are dead I have a plan to wrap meself in tinfoil and trampoline off the planet and sleep for a few months until I reach the moon and then get a lift back from the Reptoids, it's science bitches! 


Cathy said...

Brilliant, I love it - dying on Mars, I'm so glad Old Knuds did a post on this because only and I mean only you could set it all to truthful rights and try to climb aboard. In some ways this is the most ridiculous hair-brained scheme ever thought up by a wealthy person who needed more wealth - or it's a temptingly futuristic plan to check out the great red ball knowing your safety is of no concern to anyone. Kind of frees you up. Hope they send more than 4, I think it's 6 teams of 4 each - 12 guys, 12 gorgeous dames. We shall seeee....

Old Knudsen said...

It's like if Celebrity Big Brother planned to send people to Mars, very dodgy. Since it's a reality show they will have back up astronauts as I wager there would still be laws against killing off 24 people in 10 years. 4 people will be expensive and hard enough to keep alive. India or China will be on Mars long before 10 years.