Saturday, 3 April 2010

Whats All The Fuss About Mary?

Raniero Cantalamessa the personal preacher of the Pope has been given the chance to clear the air about his comments likening the abuse the Pope and the Catholic church has been getting to the Jews and the Holocaust.

"The Catholic church does not want to take away from the suffering of millions of Jews at the hands of the Nazis or even from a handful of traitors that didn't enjoy getting molested by the soldiers of God. It shows you from the backlash I received that we the Catholic church are obvious the true victims in all of this."

He pauses to take a sip of Holy water which can be bought in the lobby for $9.99 a bottle, you might as well buy a bottle as no outside drinks or food are allowed in the Vatican. Also try our God power bar, the energy snack that gives our priests the boost to get through the day, $7.99 for one or buy two for $6.00.

" Since my Jewish friend no longer speaks to me and besides it was just a commenter on my blog ' Whats all the fuss about Mary?' I spoke to a negro friend and he likened the harsh comments and blame the Church and pontiff gets to Slavery.
Whipped and chained with months at sea to be forced to do something horrible called 'work' and killed if you didn't do it and being treated like animals rather than people.......

It occurred to me during my weekly shoulder rub that maybe people took offense at the Jew remarks because they aren't clergy and are unenlightened and out of touch so maybe they might be able to see that we are being treated like niggers instead of hooked nosed money lenders."

A young man in a sharp suit rushes up and whispers in the Father's ear. Cantalamessa looks annoyed and hisses, ' well my Jew friend doesn't mind' and the young man leaves.

" It seems some people don't like the word nigger which shows you they will take offense at anything because we use the word all the time around here, even the Pope himself uses it. Ok then those people of colour whatever."
The young man in the suit holds his hand to his head in distress and the pope gives Father Cantalamessa the thumbs up.

" I was talking to a female friend who likened the Pope to Nosferatu but since she is a woman what the fuck does she know? ta- bum a little humour to break up the seriousness.
No but really folks I was talking to a fellow priest and we came to the conclusion that the
alleged victims of abuse against the Catholic church are like whiny pro choice women on their periods, c'mon get over it.
If those who were touched by the hands and knobs of God when they were children have a problem then they must be gay and therefore should be rounded up and put into camps, its what everyone is thinking right? "

He looks over at the pope for validation but he is busy on a dream quest communicating with God.

" To put it into simple words for all you non-scholars the so-called victims of abuse from pedophile priests which we have said was a regrettable thing to find out about since its caused so much trouble for us is the Devil and his demon fags trying to destroy the good thing we have at the Vatican and we can't believe that you don't see that .................. Maybe SNAP, the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests should think about telling its members to 'snap' out of it and give us an apology."

He chuckled a little and glanced over to see if the pontiff was back from his vision yet. The holy saliva was being wiped from his holy chin by an underling.

"I'm gonna hand you back to big 'P' Benedict the master of the beatitudes or 'Masta beati' have a good Easter and take a moment to think what its all about, yes bunnies, eggs and us! Rome you've been great Cantalamessa out!"

The Vatican wishes to remind people that what is said at the Vatican by anyone isn't the official Vatican stance and as usual they cannot be held accountable.

The archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams took a moment from looking like a stoned hippy to say, "What the fuck?"



Fat Sparrow said...

"The holy saliva was being wiped from his holy chin by an underling"

Yeah, I'm really not paying for Holy Water after that.

Anonymous said...

You have a problem with the pope?

Reggie said...

Q: What's the difference between acne and a priest?
A: Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13.

Fat Sparrow said...

Bwhahaha! Oh sweet pickles, it's been a while since a joke made me actually laugh out loud.

Old Knudsen said...

Sparrow: don't drink anything a priest hands you it might be his Jesus juice.

Mago: Yes

Reggie: fucking sick, see you in hell.

donn w2Nz said...

Rowan's eye brows could launch a thousand ships.

You know that hundreds of millions of Catholics are going to look the other way right? They don't have a plan B...nope.